(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)
I thought we’d have a lot of e-mails regarding Raven’s new film “College Road Trip,” but there was only one that mentioned it, and it was an otherwise unremarkable e-mail, so I didn’t include it. Instead, it’s the usual mix of butchered English, logical puzzles, and references to Raven’s weight. Enjoy!
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE
Jan. 12, 2008:
THE FIRST THING IM GONNA SAY IS………..OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT IM ACCTUALLY TALKING TO RAVEN SYMONE HERSELF!!!! [You’re not!]
LET ME JUST INTRODUCE MYSELF,MY NAME IS TASNEEM AND IM FROM UAE [United Arab Emirates]
IM UR NUMBER ONE FAN IN UAE [possibly true],AND EVEN IN THE WORLD!!!!!!! [probably not true]
I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPPY WHEN I SAW UR SITE!!
EVERYDAY, AT NIGHT WHATEVER DAY IT IS,I WATCH UR SHOW AND I CANT MISS AN EPISODE!!!
UR RLLLY MY FAVE AND WHAT I LIKE BEST IN U IS UR GD NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER CELEBS,U DONT WEAR CLOTHES THAT R OPEN AND SHORT CUZ FOR US THAT IS BAD, AND U DONT DO BAD THINGS,FOR PPL WHO R ARABS ITS BAD AND U R THE MOST ONE THAT DOZNT DO THAT
I RLLLLLY LOVE WATCHING UR SHOW CUZ ITS SOOOO FUNNY!!AND ITS SOO NICE IN EVERY WAY,I WILL BE SO HAPPY IF U ACCEPT ME ON MSN AND ACCTUALLY TALK 2 ME BY URSELF NOT SOMEONE ELSE
I RLLLLLY WANT TO TELL U THAT IF UR SHOW STOPS I WILL DIE CUZ I LUV IT SO PLZZ KEEP ON DOING NEW SHOWS FOREVER!! [Gulp. For heaven’s sake, don’t tell her that the show was canceled last year and the final episodes aired in November!]
U R MY FAVE CELEB PLZ STAY LIKE THIS AND DONT CHANGE AND BECOME BAD LIKE THE OTHERS LOOOL [“Laughing out out out loud”?]
PLZ COME TO THE UAE SO I CAN MEET U AND HOPEFULLY TAKE A PIC WITH U AND GET UR AUTOGRAPH!
PLZ PLZ ACCEPT ME ON MSN AND TALK WITH ME
AND PLZZZZ REPLY TO THIS EMAIL BY URSELF CUZ THAT WILL MEAN A LOTT TO ME PLZ DONT TLL SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR U TO ANSER IT!!
LOVE,
UR NUMBER ONE FAN
TASNEEM
[You are the most one that doesn’t do that!]
* * * * *
Jan. 17, 2008:
Hi Raven,
My name is Malak I am 10 years old and i am from Egypt and if you don’t mind can you please tell me why you are kicked out of Cheetah girls but please trust me i keep secrets and don’t forget i loved THAT’S SO RAVEN so much and can you please tell me why on the inter net they call you a bad person and please answer me back and my e-mail: [e-mail address] so please answer me back I want us to be best friends and you know why put waterballet because i am a famous water ballet player and can you tell me all the e-mails that you have that belong to stars for example zack Efron’s e-mail so Iam counting on you to send me back an e-mail
so buy! and nice meeting you!
[I believe water ballet is what’s more commonly known as synchronized swimming. Evidently they have this in Egypt, and evidently 10-year-olds can be famous for doing it. P.S. Zac Efron’s e-mail is efron.zac@gmail.com.]
* * * * *
Jan. 25, 2008:
hey rae,i hope this is the right address.If not please write back and tell me!!!! at [e-mail address] thank you for being a great person.
[Must Raven’s fans always present such perplexing conundrums?]
* * * * *
Jan. 27, 2008:
Hi Raven,
are you really Raven or is someone (your agent) answering? Please
tell me the truth.
Raven can we be friends Please we can be e-pals because i don’t have any friends cause I’m home schooled, and i Love you so Much I Watched every episode you made i love the part 1 and 2 of when you visit your cousin and hillbilly family. So BYE
LOVE YOUR NUMBER 1 FAN,
Jessica
[There is nothing sadder than a home-schooled child looking for friendship from a celebrity she’ll never meet. Well, unless that home-schooled child also had cancer. That would be sadder.]
* * * * *
Feb. 1, 2008:
Hi Ms Raven Im Anthony [last name] , Im 19 years of age and Im in college for design . I have always wanted to chat with you , but I could never find your email address on the web. But now that Ive found you I hoped we could chat and get to know each other before you have to much on your plate lol
I would love to hear from you
your Friend and Fan Anthony [last name]
P.S This is me [And here he includes a picture of himself. He’s a good-looking kid. He could probably get plenty of dates with real women he actually knows. I’m just sayin’.]
Later that day:
Hey rav it’s anthony I just want to say have a great weekend !!!
your friend and fan anthony [last name]
P.S your not fat
[Oh yeah? Then what was that crack about having “too much on your plate”??]
* * * * *
Feb. 5, 2008:
What are you doing today Raven!!! Also what is your real phone number?????????????From your best friend Sydney
[I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that Raven’s best friend probably already has her real phone number.]
* * * * *
Feb. 5, 2008:
hey raven why didn’t you e-mail me ? now i’am mad at you again. please e-mail me. this is your godchild remeber lemria elementry but now i’m in middle school in your home town. you came to my house .you probly forgot . cause it was like in 2007 in august. well bye. oh and my frien will e-mail you . and she will say hi i am you stocker. she just playing with you .
* * * * *
Feb. 12, 2008:
Hi Raven why do you never not e-mail me back so e-mail me back!! Thank you
[Not true! Raven has consistently not e-mailed you back!]
* * * * *
Feb. 14, 2008:
Hi Raven sis,
Wishing you a very ‘Happy Valentine Day’to you. I am your teen girl fan(15 yrs.) from India(Delhi).I read in class 11th with science subjects. I want to become your friend.You are a perfect and ideal girl for all your fans and other people for acting. I want to know that from where you have learnt the fantastic acting which you did in your superhit show ‘That’s so Raven’. I really copy you all the time because I love your acting and ofcourse you.
I have loaded your many photographs but I want your some latest photos from you which I have requested you earlier.
Please reply me.
* * * * *
March 15, 2008:
[This one is so annoying I had to take a screenshot of it and show you exactly how it looked.]
