A message from Mike Huckabee.
My fellow Christians -- excuse me -- my fellow Americans -- I come before you on the eve of Super Tuesday to remind you once again of a very important truth: God wants me to be president.
I know that in the past God's chosen candidate has not always been elected. Sometimes America has gone astray, ignored God's candidate, and put someone non-God-approved into the White House. And we have suffered the consequences every time, from the misdeeds of one Democratic president, to the incompetence of another Democratic president, to the dishonesty of yet another Democratic president. Let us not make that mistake this year.
Some say that I should not be elected because if I am, I will let my religious beliefs determine all of my policies. I say I will not let my religious beliefs determine my policies. I will let my religious knowledge determine my policies.
Some say I should not be elected because I am a dangerous crackpot whose dogmatic narrow-mindedness would cause this country irreparable harm. I say that's never stopped us before.
As you know, I recently said I wanted to amend the Constitution to make it more in line with God's will, as found in the Bible. But don't worry! I intend to follow God's will as found in the New Testament a lot more closely than God's will as found in the Old Testament. God's will in the Old Testament was kind of cranky. In fact, we'll probably just throw out the Old Testament altogether, except for the parts that say it's OK to kill gay people.
When I talk about amending the Constitution to be more in line with God's will, I'm specifically talking about abortion. I want the Constitution to say the same thing about abortion that the Bible says: absolutely nothing.
No. Wait. That can't be right. What I mean is that since God obviously doesn't want us having abortions -- don't ask me how I know that, I just do -- we should amend the Constitution so that abortion is illegal. God's not really keen on divorce, either, so you'd better get that out of your system now, too.
I make no secret of the fact that I intend to let the Bible do all my thinking for me if I am elected president. But does that mean that I am insensitive to the wishes of people who do not believe in the Bible? Of course not. I will take their wishes very much to heart, as long as those wishes are coincidentally found in the Bible. Otherwise, no, I really don't care what those people think. You're telling me I should place a lot of importance on the opinions of people who are going to hell when they die? I don't think so!
The United States is a Christian nation. It always has been. All of the candidates in this election are Christians, though of course I have to put sarcastic finger quotes around the word "Christian" when I refer to Mitt Romney. Oh, I know he SAYS he's a Christian, in the sense that he worships Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. But we true Christians know that there's a lot more to being a Christian than merely believing Jesus is the son of God, praying in His name, and seeking to follow His teachings. Being a true Christian also means home-schooling your children, fearing science, and hating foreigners. And in those areas, my friends, Mitt Romney falls short.
I ask you, who else among the major candidates could possibly be God's choice? Barack Obama, the Muslim? Mitt Romney, the Satan-worshipper? Hillary Clinton, the woman? Please.
Now, some naysayers have pointed out that the terrorists believe they are supported by God, too, as do the religious tyrants who run countries like Iran. How am I any different from them? the naysayers ask. To me, the answer is obvious. The problem with the terrorists and jihadists is not that they're zealously and fanatically devoted to their religion. It's that they're devoted to the wrong religion. I think you'll agree that there's nothing wrong with having a president who will force his religious views into every facet of American life as long as those views are Christian. I mean, we're all Christians anyway, right? So what difference does it make? Electing me would be like putting up a "no smoking" sign in a room full of non-smokers.
So when you go into that voting booth, and you're alone with your conscience, remember this. A vote for Mike Huckabee is a vote for modern-day fundamental Christianity at the exclusion of all other viewpoints. A vote against Mike Huckabee is a vote for the wrath of God to be visited upon all mankind. Choose wisely! Don't make God angry. You wouldn't like Him when He's angry.
Thank you and good night.
He definitely seems lucid on many points and has a good, moderate position on immigration (as opposed to the borderline-xenophobic stand of Romney), but something about Huckabee just shuts me down. He seems too self-assured, and his speech indicates a lack of understanding of ambiguity.
The idea that God Himself wants Huck in the White House puts me off - he's not doing anything dramatic enough to claim the backing of Providence. He's not as cynical and pandering as Romney but I'm still divided between the two of them.
I've never been more afraid of anyone as a presidential candidate than the Huckster. The good thing is that he's about out of money, so Super Tuesday should be the end of his Presidential Campaign.
The bad thing is that if John McCain (R-Old Man) is the candidate, Huckster would be a good VP for him. All the Repugs hate Mitt Romney so unless he's the candidate, he'll never be heard from again.
Yesterday at church the epistle was the bit of St. Paul's first letter to the Corinthians that most people like to use in Weddings. Here's a bit of it:
"charity envieth not, charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth: beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."
but of course it is not strictly speaking referring just to how married couples should treat each other. I wonder if Mike Huckabee thinks the passage has anything to say to him?
I don't know how many Hucksters visit the site, but I'm glad you included the relevant links to back up Hucklbee's statements.
Ron Paul 2008!
I don't think its Huckabee we need to be worried about...
I had forgotten he was still in a candidate until now.
I hope Chuck Norris begs forgiveness for endorsing Huckleberry.
I once read that Huckabee would not allow for his sermons from his preaching days be made public. Is that still true? I would imagine so, because very likely they contain some of the stuff in this piece. It frightened me that some of the rhetoric used sounded like stuff from the Westboro Baptist Church. Man, if anyone who sounds like them ever got in the Whitehouse it'd be time to move to Canada.
Can we get some "I don't heart Huckabee" shirts?
I hope YOU beg forgiveness for suggesting that Chuck Norris has ever made a mistake. If I were you, I'd try to hide. Except there's no hiding from Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real; it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
OMAllen - I'd thought Norris endorsed McCain . . . He pegged Huck? There's one more sign of the apocalypse.
Oh, and good Sir Snider -- the Hulk reference at the end was classic.
Chuck Norris might be covered with a manly rug of back hair, but Bruce Lee made him look like a buffoon. Plus Bruce had built-in sound effects. I think if Bruce were around today he'd definitely endorse Romney with a spectacular roundhouse straight into McCain's gut, leaving him slobbering in the dust, as it were. "Romneeeyyy waaaaahhh ha!"
Hilarious, yet disturbingly believable. I'll be praying to Thor himself that Huckabee gets destroyed tomorrow. I'd even prefer Hillary to this foof.
Hmm. Do any of the candidates claim that Thor wants them to be president? I'd probably vote for him/her. . . unless it's Hillary.
I don't want to start a debate or anything, but I'm pretty much a one-issue person. If the candidate believes in abortion, I don't believe they are the right candidate for the US, so Huck is my only choice to vote for. I can't be associated with killing babies. This is just my conviction. Yours may be different. You may think I'm an idiot, narrow minded, uninformed, misguided, or any of a number of other things. No need to put that here, I'm just stating my opinion and nothing you say will change it.
Plus, he's got Chuck on his side! We need a Huck-Chuck ticket on the Republican side (or maybe it sounds too close to up-chuck).
Man, God's "will" is really hard to nail down. Reclaim the Holy Land. Don't reclaim the Holy Land. Kill the Native Americans and steal their land. Practice slavery. Free the slaves. Subjugate all of the capitalist infidels to extremist Islam. Vote Mike Huckabee. I wish God would just make up His mind.
I like it. The Snide Remarks. Not baby killing. Although, here is a funny cartoon about eating babies: http://dir.salon.com/story/comics/boll/2002/11/14/boll/index.html
Search "find Chuck Norris" on Google and hit "I'm feeling Lucky."
I'd rather have Chuck Norris' manly rug of back hair lead our country than Mike Huckabee.
Ben C,
No debate, really. It is the one-issue voters that Huckabee is counting on. The rest of the candidates have to worry about people who care about multiple issues, which I bet for them is annoying.
Ben C, I'm pretty sure that Huckabee is not the only pro-life candidate.
"Some say that I should not be elected because if I am, I will let my religious beliefs determine all of my policies. I say I will not let my religious beliefs determine my policies. I will let my religious knowledge determine my policies."
That's good-ol' Colbert-style fun.
My favorite comment on this topic:
"Wow! Huckabee now has the endorsement of both Chuck Norris AND Jesus Christ!"
This column is the perfect time to use my new favorite phrase: electile dysfunction. I think the entire country just might be infected!
Huckabee will lose tomorrow, but by still being in the race he is also ensuring that McCain will get the nomination. In fact maybe McCain told Huckabee that if he stayed in the race, he could be his VP, since McCain needs Huckabee to pull votes away from Romney.
There could never be a "President Huckabee" -- the name is just too absurd.
But man, what a vindictive and deceptive guy. He really hates Mitt Romney.
From http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/02/04/gop.super.tuesday/index.html:
Romney on Sunday suggested Huckabee get out of the race because he was splitting the conservative vote.
"The truth of the matter is -- he's a good man. Everybody has every right to stay in this race until the very end," Romney said on CNN's "Late Edition."
"We all battled in Florida. Sen. McCain and I came in No. 1 and No. 2, very close, and he came in a distant fourth. I think by virtue of that, I think most people around the country have said, OK, it's been narrowed down to a two-person race."
Huckabee shot back Monday on CNN's "American Morning," disputing the notion he was siphoning off Romney voters. Video Watch Huckabee describe what's at stake for him on Tuesday »
"He suggested that I get out of the race and has the audacity to say that the reason is because the voters that I'm getting are voters that would go to him," Huckabee said.
"I think it's incredibly presumptuous and even arrogant to suggest that the voters who are voting for me would automatically gravitate to him. I think they, quite frankly, would not."
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And from http://www.time.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,1709507,00.html:
The night of the Iowa caucuses, after getting a congratulatory call from McCain, Huckabee told the candidate, according to aides: "Now it's your turn to kick his butt."
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Man, I dislike that guy.
Word, Randy. I still can't believe people insist that they like him because he seems honest and genuine.
Ben C, at least you have one to vote for. I don’t even have one. As a member of a non Christian religion, I don’t want to vote for anyone who thinks Christians have a monopoly on morality. In the rare cases I do have a religiously liberal candidate to vote for, it’s some whack job who wants to dig up the highway system and grow hemp. But I need to get to work every day so I have to vote for the lesser of the evils out there.
This was a very good Snide Remarks I must admit! I'm so glad to hear that other people dislike Huckleberry too. He is such a self-righteous, pompous bum that I could never vote for him. He also is apparently jealous of Romney's money, as he brings it up every five minutes and makes all sorts of stupid remarks about it. Whatever happened to "thou shalt not covet"? If you're a good candidate you'll win with or without money and you don't need to whine about it all the day long.
As far as John McCain goes, if he gets the Republican nomination and Obama gets the Democratic nomination, I'm voting Obama. And I'm a staunch Republican. At least Obama isn't a big liar. McCain is a jackhole.
"If you're a good candidate you'll win with or without money...."
That's the funniest thing I've read all day, and I laughed a lot at the column.
In the midst of all this political turmoil, I hope each of you took the time to follow Just another girl's advice:
Search "find Chuck Norris" on Google and hit "I'm feeling Lucky."
Loved the column. I also urge everyone to take the advice of Lane and Just Another Girl regarding "Find Chuck Norris" and google.com .
The comment about "electile disfunction" made me remember my time living in Uganda. I was there during their first free, democratic elections, so the topic was on everyone's lips. Unfortunately, the letters "L" and "R" are interchangeable in the East African languages. So while everyone was talking about elections it was all we Americans could do to keep from laughing. Especially when they asked us questions like, "How are elections in your country? Do they have elections all the time? How often do you have elections? Do the elections in America last for three days like they do here?" And so on. (Note: If you did not substitute "R" for "L" in all of the above questions, you need to try again.) And then there was the especially terrible question about Africans' tendency to take to guerrilla warfare (which they call "going into the bush") after troubled elections. I will let you write that question yourself and feel free to make it as hilarious and unpostable as you wish.
LOL - "Hillary Clinton, the woman? " and the God/Hulk reference: "Don't make God angry. You wouldn't like Him when He's angry."
You know someone's going to happen upon this page and think that these are Eric's real views. Then the Hate Mail comes in....
Mmmm...I can taste the Angy Letters now...good times.
Very funny column as usual, but Jacob's comment has me in tears.
I'm with Randy Tayler. Well, not literally, but I agree that we can't have a President Huckabee. His personality and politics aside, his name is too ridiculous. We might as well have a President Bumpkinson...or President Cletus...or President Biscuits'n'gravy.
Huck and McCranky have a growing pack of lies. After his man crush McCain lies about Romney's comments on Iraq, Huck says Romney told him to get out of the race. The very best, however, is Chuck's astute observation that Romney took the skin off his Kentucky Fried chicken and ate it with a..fork AND a knife!!! Why have that in the White House when we can have a popcorn fried squirrel eating Prez?
One of the best article of the last while and some pretty funny comments as well. I will also urge everyone to type "find Chuck Norris" into Google and press "I'm feeling lucky." Lots of nice details there too.
The Google/find Chuck Norris is hilarious. Like this column.
Very funny, Eric! I wish this had been written last week (so time for more readership) but thoroughly enjoyable. Huckleberry and McPain are up to no good and what's more is that they're going to get away with it, those dastardly scummy scumbags! The mainstream media has gone about their usual vindictive bashing of conservatives and has many people convinced that the race is over. I wonder when they're going to turn on McPain to out a non-Dem.
Hateful Huckleberry is a devious liar....he'll give all his delegates to McPain with a cackling laugh toward Romney. He's going to effect the ticket for sure, maybe just tipping the totals in McPain's favor. If so, there's going to be hell to pay.
Wow! A bit scary, Eric! This column, although very satirical in its way, is a little too close to the reality of Mr Huckabee. The guy gives me the creeps. Of course, the Clintons (we all know Billery) give me the creeps, too.
I really enjoyed this one. I am not sure if anything will come of it, but I forwarded the link to this page to Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Chris Core (a local DC talk show host). I hope this gets some publicity. It deserves it. Good work.
The terrorists probably felt that God had answered their prayers and helped them when their 9/11 plot was successful. With all the Gods going around these days how do you even know that the right one is answering your prayers? Maybe God answers some prayers as a joke. While reading the morning paper, Satan is pleasantly surprised that he has been successful in all the campaigning which he did for Huckabee. Then he gets a phone call from God:PSYCHE!!!
Jacob #31, you are a comedic genius.
ew, mike huckabee. what an extremist, homophobic loser
I am really digging the Google ads that came up on this one. GodTube.com (YouTube bite aimed at Christians?), and Black Christian. The description for the latter is, "Free to Join. 1000's of Pictures of Beautiful Black Christian Singles." Where do I sign??? And could you imagine the outrage if the ad was for White Christian...
Wish I could've been the 44th comment as that's my favorite number. Oh well ... I'm with Ben C, Randy and Holly ... won't vote for no babykiller and we CANNOT have a "President Huckabee" ... I'm also with Ann Coulter, who referred to Huck as "that stretchmarked cornpone" ... as I opined earlier today on another blog, I'd rather wake up in the morning to find a permanent beard on my face than vote for McCain ... and that goes double, with a whipped cream and a cherry on top, for Huckabee ... **SPITS UP** ... now that Fred's out of it, Romney is the man. He has all my fundamentalist Christian prayers behind him. I'll thank you not to snicker ... the Chuck Norris thing is hysterical, too ... and, uhm, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob ...
McCain will probobly pick Liberman for his vice.
That's why I wrote this now, before Super Tuesday, because I think his surge in popularity is going to end and he's going to fade back into oblivion.
Please, God, make it so. I've never actually found a Presidential candidate to be frightening before, but the Huckster? Liberal threats to flee the country during the '04 election are starting to make sense now.
To tony (#8):
Here you go.
http://www.cafepress.com/sothisismusic.224391943
"I Don't Heart Huckabee" shirts for everyone!
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I'm not really trying to sell these, though if you buy one I won't complain. I just don't want to use Eric's site as a market place so you should know I only did this 'cause someone asked for it. Tony asked so Tony receives :-)
Let's face it, at this point, any of the frontrunners is practically interchangeable with the rest. Just for the record, Ron Paul is anti-abortion, too. Romney says he is now, but he used to say he wasn't so he'd get elected in Boston. So, everyone go vote for McCain, or Romney, or Obama, or Clinton. It'll be the same outcome. A president who listens only to his corporate sponsors. We'll just have more war, more torture, more dwindling economy, more centralized power, more criminals leading our country down the path to oblivion, and everything else that has summed up the last 8 years.
#45 Jennifer, you're a brave soul. I'd rather slit my own throat with a kitten than agree with anything Ann Coulter says.
Thank you Eric, that was the BEST laugh I've had this entire political season, who needs Stewart and Colbert when I have this site?
I'm genuinely frightened by Huckabee, as well as all the other candidates.If any of these clowns actually end up practicing what they (In Huckabee's case, literally) preach, let's just say I'm very fortunate to have dual citizenship with the United States and Canada...
I'm Republican, voted for Bush in 2000 and 2004, and I think McCain and Huckabee are both awful candidates. Now that Romney has stepped out and McCain's nomination seems certain, all I have to say is... go Obama. I'd rather put up with a Democrat for 4 years and see my party nominate a true conservative in 2012 than see that cheap back-stabbing media whore be my nominee for the next two elections. I'd rather put up with Obama than Hillary, but meh. The next four years look like sucksville no matter how you cut it.
As thanks for the Chuck tip and since the Hulk was offhandedly referenced, I thought we should all take a break and visit this site I found that made me laugh - all the reasons Banner ever hulked out on the tv show. And
http://kennethjohnson.us/HulkOutList.html
Just say NO to Obama!!! I said the same thing after my (R) candidate left the race, thinking, "At least, he's not as shrill as Hillary and I'll bite my own toenails before I'll vote for McCain..," but I was wrong, wrong wrong!! He's spookier than SHE is (yes, it's possible), but he's all wrapped up in fabulous package that's all pretty paper and bows, but no present inside. Actually, it's a little fascist -- "we don't know who he is or what he's done or what he will do, but he seems like a nice guy and I can pretend whatever I want about him because he's never annoyed me in any way and hey, Oprah likes him and it's about time we had a black (actually, biracial) president."
Fabulous reasons to vote for the most liberal man in Congress while the country teeters on a precipice of doom.
A message from Your Local Optimists Club!! Have a nice day!
Hey Ben C, here's what I don't get, whenever "pro-life" candidates get elected, babies still get aborted in droves and Roe v. Wade doesn't miraculously get overturned. America remains as infanticide-happy as ever despite electing a “pro-lifer”, why? I appreciate your bull-headed dogmatism and unflinching zealotry but do you realize that it doesn’t result in fewer abortions, EVER?
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Comments & Reaction:
It's not the fact that Huckabee thinks he's God's favorite that bothers me. I'm sure any candidate who's religious would feel like his success was the result of God's influence. It's declaring it so openly and brazenly that annoys me. Dude, at least have the decency to shut up about it. He's blatantly pandering to fundamentalist Christians (many of whom give regular, everyday, non-crazy Christians a bad name), and it's going to come back to bite him. That's why I wrote this now, before Super Tuesday, because I figured his surge in popularity was going to end and he was going to fade back into oblivion.
SnideCast intro: "Losing My Religion," by R.E.M.; outro: "Personal Jesus," by Depeche Mode.