All right, you nappy-headed hos! It's time for another edition of "Ask Eric Stuff," an occasional feature in which members of the general population ask Eric stuff, and he answers them sarcastically and with alleged humor. You can submit a question of your own here. Your questions may be used in a feature edition of "Ask Eric Stuff," and if they are, boy howdy won't you feel special!
Dear Eric: I had a baby girl this spring. Everyone I know is giving her pink: pink dress, pink hair bows, pink socks. As a staunch feminist, I think this is just wrong. How do I tell people to give her "gender-neutral" items? -- Not a Pink Lady
Dear Lady: Just tell them the truth. Say, "I want beige coveralls for my child, because I don't want her growing up feeling like being a girl means she's special or pretty or anything."
Dear Eric: Why should I listen to you? -- Nora in Nevada
Dear Nory: You should never listen to me. Except right now, when I tell you not to listen to me. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND??!?!
Dear Eric: Why do my parents hate my music so much? -- Rockin' in Rochester
Dear Rocky: Because you're the lead singer for Nickelback.
Dear Eric: Should I brush my teeth and then floss, or floss and then brush my teeth? -- Wondering in Wichita
Dear Witch: I don't care, just quit breathing on me!
Dear Eric: Why can't our president speak English as well as former presidents or most Americans? -- Concerned Conservative
Dear Connie: MOST Americans? I think you're giving most Americans too much credit. Or have you not been on the Internet lately?
Dear Eric: Why do female contestants on "The Price is Right" insist on running down the aisles with their arms raised, letting their more delicate female parts flop around their front side? -- Wondering Why in Washington
Dear Wash: Bob Barker has that effect on the ladies. Dude's a player.
Dear Eric: My husband and I both work full-time to help pay the rent. But when we get home at night, he expects me to do all the cooking and cleaning too. What should I do? -- Cinderella
Dear Cindy: First the dishes, then the laundry.
Dear Eric: How do you know when you over- or under-tip someone? -- Hapless in Houston
Dear Happy: You can tell you've over-tipped someone when they look surprised and grateful and say, "Thank you very much!" You can tell you've under-tipped someone when you're from Utah.
Dear Eric: Nigerians keep attempting to scam me on eBay. What should I do? -- Exasperated on eBay
Dear eBayer: I don't know, but I don't appreciate the racial slurs. "N****ians," indeed!
Dear Eric: How come it's OK to golf or watch TV all day, but it's nerdy to play video games? -- Mario in Milwaukee
Dear Mary: It's not nerdy to play video games! It's a fun, enjoyable pastime, and there's no shame in it! (Wait. You're no older than 14, right?)
Dear Eric: On weekdays I don't have to be anywhere until noon. As a result I sleep late and waste most of the morning. How can I motivate myself to get up earlier? -- Sleepy Head
Dear Head: Here's a little trick I use. Set your alarm clock six hours ahead. Then, when it goes off at noon, it will actually be 6 a.m. You'll get up thinking you've lost half the day, when really it's still quite early! (Note: This will only work once.)
Dear Eric: Do you have any advice on what kind of car I should buy for my 16-year-old daughter? -- Virginia
Dear Virgin: Car & Driver magazine has declared the Honda Civic the best car for spoiled teenagers four years running.
Dear Eric: We're trying to get pregnant, but we've been unsuccessful thus far. What else can we do? -- Need a Baby
Dear Needy: If by "we" you mean "you and me," then I think I know what the problem is: I haven't been trying very hard.
Dear Eric: Would you have executed Saddam Hussein? -- Gotta Love a Hangin'
Dear Hangin': Yes, I would have, but I was busy that week and they would NOT reschedule.
Dear Eric: We're planning on getting our 3-year-old a kitten for her birthday, but I worry that she could be hard on the poor thing. What do you think? -- Kitty Lover
Dear Kitty: Kittens are fragile, it's true. Maybe you should start your daughter off with a more resilient and durable pet. I recommend a buffalo.
Dear Eric: If there were no computers or TV, what would you be doing right now? -- Livin' in the Past
Dear Past: Reading a book. A book about how to invent computers and TV.
Dear Eric: What's the worst insult you've ever received? -- Offended in Paris
Dear Parry: Someone once told me I speak English as well as the president.
It might be because it is 2:45 AM and I am easily amused when I'm overtired, but I think this is my favorite Ask Eric Stuff column. Maybe I should go read the others, just to be sure.
The benefit of living in a different time zone is you get to post at the top of the comment list while everyone else is asleep. . .wait a second. . .well, I guess when everyone normal is asleep.
I've been squeaking uncontrollably, slouching in my cubicle trying to keep silent while my sinuses are exploding. I guess I shouldn't read these at work.
Come on, how the Pres speaks English jokes are only about 7 years old now.
Other than that, very funny.
What a great column! Your response to Kitty had me falling off my chair.
Somehow, though, the rock I'm living under never allowed me access to the actual words Don Imus said, so I was confused by your greeting until the explanation at the end of the column. "Wow," I thought. "That might be pretty offensive to some people." :)
I agree with pizzocalabro, I think this is the best Ask Eric Stuff column so far...
Ha! I'm actually in a meeting right now, Talm.
I always send my comments in one batch, because that's how they occur to me. And it's nice to see half of them used here. :) It's my goal, however, to submit so many that in one future Ask Eric, every single question comes from me. I'm getting closer....
Sean, you were not wrong. This is definitely the funniest "Ask Eric."
Never been a big fan of Ask Eric Stuff before, until now.
Best. Ever.
Question/answer #3 is the best thing ever.
Man, they suck.
What's with all the jokes about Nickelback!?!?!?!?
I dunno about "every single media outlet in America." My main access to news is listening to NPR on my way to and from work, and they kept making vague references to the comment, and mentioning how everyone kept repeating the actual words too much, so they weren't going to add to it. It was a bit irritating until I finally got a friend to tell me what he'd said. And yeah, it was pretty offensive once I heard it. I'm not one of those people who will accept others' experience as my own lesson learned, I guess . . . .
Romy, Nickelback sucks! That's what's with all the jokes. They only have ONE SONG that they keep playing over and over.
Actually, Eric, I think if one is from Utah, one wouldn't know that one has undertipped. Right?
Nickelback has a song? I thought somebody just got a recording of what's-his-face yelling about something and put it on the radio.
Very nice...... this time "buffalo" was the snort spot.
I've never been all that big a fan of the Ask Eric articles. With the exception of the tipping comment I thought this was pretty good. I was raised in Utah and would probably be considered an uder-tipper but it's not because I'm from Utah. I hold the outlandish idea that a tip is earned, and by "earned" I don't mean that the server merely showed up for work.
I'm sure what I just wrote was at least as offensive as anything Don Imus may have said. Hopefully I won't be fired from comment leaving.
Very funny column. I also recommend the buffalo which is the only pet who could probably survive my 3 boys-except for our own big, hairy mutt-hound dog.
Um...Actually there's been at least 6 number one hits off of their last album that only has 11....I can't say that's just one song. And that's just one album...Are you guys the people that listen to the depressing country songs that all have to deal with losing the girl, the dog or the truck? Because that's what it sounds like
Romy: I think the point Carrie was trying to make is that every single Nickelback song sounds exactly the same, not that they literally have only one song. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, Carrie, but I think that was the idea.
And for the record, Nickelback totally sucks. And I'm an Albertan, like they are, so for me to dislike homegrown talent is really saying something, I think.
This is one of the best Ask Erics. Kudos! mmmmm Kudos....
Eric is brilliant. The whole thing was seriously funny. Especially the brush/floss joke and the Nickelback joke. And the one about the best compliment ever. Comedy-Guh-OLD! the one about dishes and laundry... i fell off my chair and then wet my pants... hang on, i think I wet my pants THEN fell off my chair! HOW does Eric think of this stuff?
Okay Nate, you're not weird at all with the "earning tip" thing, because that's what EVERY OTHER Utah undertipper thinks. (diggin' the hole...)
Anyway, Nickelback isn't the worst band out there, but they sure do make a great joke, don't they? I just about died when I read the Nickelback answer.
Oh, and you know Nickelback's 'Fallling'? The song is pretty blah, but the music video is good!
Isn't that their only song though?
Would it be fair to say the second worst insult to "I seem to be having a terrible time maintaining my wardrobe" would be you are nothing more then a "presidentialspeakingnickelbacksingingUtahtippingantisnyderlowdownsoandso"
I think I would have to cry if I ever get called that
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I really like Nickelback's song "Far Away." But it's the only one! Really!
I told everyone not to buy my girl pink clothes when I found out I was having a girl, too. Guess what? Doesn't work. 98% of the stuff people give you will still be pink. You know what though? If baby girls don't wear pink, people will think they're boys. And they really do look their most adorable in pink... so now I just go with it.
Nickelback only has one song? Are you sure this isn't John Mayer we're talking about?
Amen to ClobberGirl
Boy howdy, I do feel special! It's been a while since I submitted the question, though, so I was wondering why the question seemed so familiar. Then I realized, oh yeah, I asked it. It must be the being 8.5 months pregnant thing. My mind becomes more scatterbrained with every passing day.
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Comments & Reaction:
I think several of these might have come from the same person. I remember getting about 20 questions in the space of an hour, all presumably from the same person, bored at work and amusing himself or herself by submitting "Ask Eric Stuff" questions. I don't keep track of when the questions came in -- I just copy and paste them into a file -- but it's likely that I used several of the ones from that batch in this column.
"Nappy-headed hos" is a reference to the controversy that surrounded radio personality Don Imus this week, who used the term to describe the Rutgers women's basketball team and subsequently got into a lot of hot water. The term was so offensive that every single media outlet in America had to repeat it over and over again in their coverage, to make sure we knew how offensive it was.