Eric D. Snider

Striking TV Writers Are Forced to Find Other Employment

Snide Remarks #562

"Striking TV Writers Are Forced to Find Other Employment"

by Eric D. Snider

Published in EricDSnider.com on November 12, 2007

INTERNAL MEMO
Starbucks - 6th & Morrison (SE corner)
TO: New employees Rick, Diane, and Marcus
FROM: Store manager April

Hi guys!

I know it's been stressful for you to join the Starbucks team. I hope we haven't been too scary! <grin> I know it can be tough to jump in to an operation that's already in full swing and be expected to learn the ropes. If you ever have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask me!

You guys are doing a great job so far! However, there are a few things that I think need to be addressed. I just want to make sure we're all "on the same page," to use some writers' lingo! :-)

First of all, the menu board that lists all our products and their prices does not need to be "punched up." All three of you have mentioned this at some point. It might be fun to put some jokes up there, but I really don't think there's room. No, it isn't "boring." It's a menu board. It's not supposed to be a good read.

I'm also a little concerned about how you guys only want to work for 22 minutes every half-hour, or 44 minutes per hour. That just isn't how we do things. You work for four hours straight, and then you get a 15-minute break. The timing of your breaks is strange, too. You seem to prefer to go on break just as things are getting interesting. A customer orders something we're out of; a homeless man walks in and starts yelling; one of the other employees mentions she's pregnant -- and that's when you want to go off the clock for a few minutes. What gives?

Different stores have different policies about this, but at this Starbucks location, we write our customers' names on their cups. It helps identify their drinks, and it also makes them feel more like valued customers. But all you need to write is their first name. You do not need to add "FEMALE - MID 40s - PLUMP, WITH A ROSY AND CHEERFUL DISPOSITION" or "MALE - LATE TEENS - TYPICAL MALL RAT W/PIERCINGS - MILD TEXAS ACCENT." Likewise, it seems counterproductive to jot down where you think the person is from, their hopes and dreams, and their relationship to other people in the store. Marcus, you told me this is known as a "backstory," but I don't see how backstory is relevant to selling coffee.

We had a complaint from a customer that I think refers to you, Diane, but I don't want to single you out, because I've seen all three of you do this. If a burly, masculine construction worker comes in and orders a half-caf skinny double mochachino latte with extra foam, sell it to him. It doesn't matter if it "doesn't fit his character" or if "people wouldn't believe that this guy would order that." Our customers have the right to buy whatever they want, regardless of their motivation for doing so.

By the same token, you may not try to persuade the burly construction worker to buy a froofy drink just because you think "the juxtaposition would be funny." We do not sell drinks based on how funny they are. Rick, your suggestion the other day that we should call it "crappuccino" because of the effect it has on your system was way out of line. When nobody laughed at your joke, you said, "We can sweeten it in post," and I don't even know what that meant.

Of course we all enjoy joking and laughing here. Starbucks should be a fun place to work! But we have to remember the image of the company, too. It's inappropriate to call the store "Central Perk," "The Peach Pit," or "The Regal Beagle." It is Starbucks. That's what it says on your apron, and on every square inch of space around you.

Finally, when you answer the phone, please remember to say "goodbye" at the end of the call. I don't know where you guys got the idea that people end phone calls by just hanging up, but it's rude.

Please see me if you have any questions. Welcome to the Starbucks team!

Sincerely,
Store manager April

Comments & Reaction:

There's not really a 6th and Morrison in Los Angeles, which is presumably where out-of-work TV writers would live. There is one in Portland, where I live, but there's not a Starbucks there. In fact, it's the only intersection in Portland that doesn't have one.

When the studio audience doesn't laugh enough at a sitcom joke, they'll "sweeten" it later, i.e., boost it with some prerecorded laughs. "Post," of course, means "post-production."

My old friend Craig, a talented and funny non-WGA writer in his own right, helped me with some of the jokes for this column. Thanks, Craig! You will receive no payment or residuals for your work. Now you know what it's like to be in the WGA.

This item has 24 comments

Robert says:
November 11, 2007 at 11:10 pm
This sounded like a delightful idea when Eric told me about it in person, and it certainly turned out well.
Sam says:
November 12, 2007 at 12:19 am
Haha - I was waiting for your take on this. I knew you would have a unique perspective, and you didn't disappoint!
Neil says:
November 12, 2007 at 6:27 am
The Remarks is entertaining, but my sympathies for the WGA neither waned nor waxed. I suppose I ought to feel bad for the folks having to work at Starbucks, but I feel worse for April, who apparently lacks the interview skills to avoid hiring a bunch of morons who seem intent on causing problems, because they want to and for no other logical reason.

Sorry Eric.

On a related note, I hope you might be able to clarify something for me. Why is it that the studios are so loathe to deal with the WGA? The higher costs will be passed to the consumer, so the WGA will get more money, but the studios will get what they are already making. I mean, if the studios were charging $40 for the DVD of Are We There Yet, everybody could get paid. As bad a publicity as it would generate to say "we don't want to cut our profits, so we're going to charge you more," I imagine that publicity would be worse with "thank the WGA for your higher costs, as their demands required that we charge you more." And I don't think the studios would be above making that statement.

Or has the WGA demanded/desired that consumer costs remain the same?
Dave says:
November 12, 2007 at 7:25 am
Neil, the more you charge for a product the less of it you will sell...unless it's from Starbucks where normal economic rules seem to be in a state of reversal for some reason.

Eric, I liked the column this week.
Shane Lowe says:
November 12, 2007 at 7:26 am
What's a Starbucks? Isn't that the name of somebody in a Sci-fi show or something?
Linda H. says:
November 12, 2007 at 8:16 am
Well, I have heard it postulated that Seattle is actually in another dimension, and that Starbuck's was accidentally unleashed on us unsuspecting denizens of THIS dimension in a horrible case of mistaken identity involving Patrick Stewart, 3 great danes and a copy of Eddie and the Cruisers on DVD, so, I guess that's a possible Sci-fi show. Eh?
Jonathon says:
November 12, 2007 at 8:26 am
I'm glad someone else is bothered by the fact that TV phone conversations always end abruptly without a "goodbye."
Eric Herman says:
November 12, 2007 at 8:31 am
Ha! Great job.
tony says:
November 12, 2007 at 9:27 am
I find it strange that people like Leno, Letterman, Stewart, etc... need writers to be funny.

I knew sitcoms had writers, but somehow I'd never known this about talk shows (besides, you know Orpah and Springer, of course.)

I honestly think I'd rather watch real stand up comedians who do their own thing than someone with a team like Leno, who acts like he's funny but is completely reliant on his team.
Matt says:
November 12, 2007 at 10:03 am
[quote]I honestly think I'd rather watch real stand up comedians who do their own thing than someone with a team like Leno, who acts like he's funny but is completely reliant on his team.[/quote]Your typical standup guy has one routine that he uses every night for months at a time. Leno, Letterman, Stewart, etc. have to do new, topical content every night. It takes a staff of writers to support that constant demand for new material. It has more to do with the format than the talent.
Turkey says:
November 12, 2007 at 11:44 am
And if it helps, Stewart IS a writer for his program, just not the only one. It takes an army of Jews to make comedy that golden.
Jaycee says:
November 12, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Nicely done Eric! I was hoping you'd do something like this and you sure didn't disappoint.

And what is the deal with not saying goodbye? I too have always wondered that- goodbye is a bit of a social institution is it not? Why they feel the need to abandon mores on TV is beyond me. What - a bit of nicety takes too much time? It's tedious for the viewer? So the singlet- clad, boorish builder can't buy his double decaf, half fat frapaccino but everyone can hang up the phone without saying goodbye. Now there's reality for ya.
Momma Snider says:
November 12, 2007 at 5:18 pm
You know what always gets me besides how they don't say goodbye when they hang up? It's how the people who are being interviewed by the police always walk around while they're talking, sometimes totally walking away from the cops or investigators without ending the conversation. It's not even suspects, just former landlords or coworkers and stuff. I'd be scared to do that, even if I wasn't guilty.
Braden Ellis says:
November 12, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Momma Snider has been watching Law and Order, I see.
Jennifer says:
November 13, 2007 at 11:36 am
What I think is funny is the description of the Starbucks in the memo title: "Starbucks - 6th & Morrison (SE corner)". Like there might also be a Starbucks - 6th & Morrison (NW corner) or something.
The UnMighty says:
November 13, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Writers. Hmmph. Crazy Bastards.
Turkey says:
November 14, 2007 at 8:05 am
15, I think that was intentional, given that the stereotype is indeed a Starbucks on every corner, including all four at major intersections.
Joshua Steimle says:
November 14, 2007 at 9:06 am
Turkey - "It takes an army of Jews to make comedy that golden."

Are you saying the Israeli military is writing John Stewart's material?

I agree the funniest part of the post was the "SE corner" part. An oft-used joke, to be sure (remember the Simpsons where they show the mall and every other storefront is a Starbucks except for the storefront under construction which says "Starbucks--Coming Soon!", but subtlety played with grace.
Greg MacLennan says:
November 14, 2007 at 1:50 pm
I'll tell you what's funny about the writer's strike. The fact that the writers can take the time off to get 1/10 of a cent everytime someone downloads their show, while the blue collar set, costume, electrical, and other guys who need to work every single day are getting fired because writers want to make just a little bit more so they can cry into $100 bills instead of fifties.
Turkey says:
November 14, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Joshua, I'd have a whole new appreciation for the state of Israel if that were the case. A ruthless AND funny military? That's some good tax dollars at work there, my friend.
Spencer says:
November 15, 2007 at 9:02 am
I like this one:
rachel says:
November 15, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Finally, when you answer the phone, please remember to say "goodbye" at the end of the call. I don't know where you guys got the idea that people end phone calls by just hanging up, but it's rude.

My boss does this... when he's done talking, he just hangs up. It was really disconcerting for a while, but now I've caught myself doing it more than once. :/
Jen says:
November 16, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Thanks for helping me understand where my bad habit came from. I have been harassed by my husband and daughters for years because I don't end phone calls with the proper farewell. Obviously I absorbed the habit from watching too much T.V. and never even noticed I was doing it until they pointed it out. I have never really liked talking on the phone at all, and so with the addition of a more demanding schedule, a cell phone and more calls forced into my life the habit became more obvious and my family requested a change. Now, I have purposely taken up a new and improved farewell by saying "Copy that" ala Jack Bauer so that my daughters have a good laugh and know I am hanging up before I do.
Kourtney says:
January 9, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Excellent use of The Peach Pit and The Regal Beagle. I would much rather go to either of these establishments than Starbucks.

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