For some reason I've started getting the magazines Ebony and Jet delivered to my house. This is a mistake, of course. Though the magazines are addressed to me, I did not subscribe to them. They are targeted at a black audience, and as you may know, I am not black. It is one of my deficiencies.
I believe the errant periodicals are the result of a mix-up at Delta Airlines. A few months ago, they sent me a notice saying I had unused frequent flier miles that were about to expire, and I could trade them in for magazine subscriptions. I do not know why frequent flier miles would expire. Do they go bad after a while? Was there a risk of my spoiled miles contaminating the other, fresher miles stored with them?
Anyway, they gave me a list of about 45 magazines to choose from, each worth a certain number of points based on whether it's a weekly or a monthly publication, and how popular it is. I had 1,200 points to work with; a typical magazine cost about 400. It was like the old "Wheel of Fortune," where you went shopping after every round and spent the money you'd accumulated on gaudy junk, when what you really wanted was for them to just give you cash.
Now, already something was strange. I went through this process with Delta a few years ago, trading in my unused points for a year of Premiere and Spin magazines -- and I have not flown on Delta Airlines since then. How did I rack up 1,200 new points? Someone suggested it was probably a batch of points that was still fresh a few years ago but has expired now; I prefer my theory, which is that the 10 or 20 points I had left over from last time were left unattended and somehow reproduced.
However it happened, I now had another 1,200 points with which to purchase magazines, and while I don't remember all the titles I chose, I know that Ebony and Jet were not among them. I probably chose magazines geared toward white culture -- Golf Digest, The CBS Network Newsletter, Bad Dancer Weekly, etc.
The one title I do remember requesting is the other one that has started coming to my house, and it's Details. Many of the available titles were flat-out unappealing to me -- Socks Weekly, Clam Enthusiast, George Bush's Highlights for Children, Mexican Soap Opera Digest, etc. -- so I eliminated those. That left me with a few, like Details, that I wasn't particularly interested in but that I figured I wouldn't mind leafing through during my idle toilet-based moments. I knew Details was very popular among men, and I knew I was a man, and I knew it was free, and so what the heck.
So I've read the last few issues of Details, and it turns out that if Ebony and Jet are for African Americans, then Details is for posers and tools. I used to wonder what my mailman thought delivering Ebony and Jet to me, but now I'm more concerned about how the Details subscription reflects on me. The December issue has a story entitled "Are you turning your kid into a douchebag?," which is like Sports Illustrated running an article called "Are you turning your kid into a sports fan?"
Like many men's magazines, Details is 90 percent ads with a few shallow articles sprinkled in between. These articles are generally on topics like "You should learn how to tie a bow tie" and "All the cool people are drinking flavored tequilas this year." This month there's a hard-hitting one-page exposé on the subject of "why we're tired of fake breasts." Sometimes there's something about current events in which the writer paraphrases whatever Jon Stewart said last week.
There are also a lot of articles that are really just ads in disguise. Usually these are multi-page features displaying the latest fashion trends among thin, high-cheekboned men with unlimited disposable income. Helpfully, the pictures are accompanied by lists of the clothing articles featured, along with where you can buy them and, often, how much they cost. This is the most eye-opening. I'm sure I don't have any friends who would spend $800 on a pair of pants. I'm reasonably confident that even if one of my friends became a millionaire, he wouldn't spend $800 on a pair of pants. How could I be friends with someone like that? I don't think we'd have anything in common. What can you talk about when you're wearing $800 pants? If it were me, all I'd be able to talk about would be the fact that my pants cost $800, and how I was terrified of spilling food on them. Or farting! You can't fart in $800 pants, especially considering that if you're wearing $800 pants, you're probably also wearing $75 underwear!
(If you are currently my friend and you would, in fact, spend $800 on a pair of pants, please consider this our final correspondence.)
The bottom line is that in my effort to help deplete the world's natural resources, I now have three magazines coming to my apartment regularly that I have no interest in reading and that are merely occupying space on the back of my toilet. I would recycle them, but I refuse to use the recycling bin outside my building until the landlady replaces it with one made by Dolce & Gabbana. I mean, honestly. What are we, savages?
Three months ago I accidentally shat myself whilst wearing $75 underwear. They were stolen so I didn't really lose any money, but I can't emphasize enough how much they had boosted my moral the entire month that I had been wearing them.
Morale
I guess I'll stop looking for sweet fares to Orlando on EbonyJet.com.
Just wait until you have to make sure the subscriptions don't automatically renew themselves next year! Then you get to deal with one of those voice-recognition computers ("I'm sorry. . .I didn't catch that. . .Did you say "I want 15 subscriptions to 'Good Housekeeping'?") located in Salt Lake City for some reason.
Dustin: if you are not only having stealing underwear, but are also having accidental bowel movements INTO them, correct spelling is not topping your list of issues you need to work out.
"You can't fart in $800 pants"
Give me a pair of $800 pants and I will prove to you just how wrong you can be.
(Also: "You can't fart in $800 pants" sounds like a line from a Bob Dylan song.)
" ...that I figured I wouldn't mind leafing through during my idle toilet-based moments."
This is the reason Eric rules. Classic stuff. :-)
If the creators of "Details" imagine their readers are willing and able to spend $800 on a pair of jeans, then why not charge $50 for the magazine itself? Let's be consistent here!
I also received a random subscription to Ebony and Jet one year. I don't think they have any actual subscribers. Maybe they just send them out to anyone to increase their circulation numbers for their advertisers.
Wait, what?
Who's tired of fake breasts?
That's ridiculous!
How cool is that?! EDS rockin’ it out to the Scarlett Pimpernel. That made my day.
"and I knew I was a man" reminds me of Mike Nelson: "And I'm a man, despite what my father says."
The bit about the douchbag was perfect.
Do you know which "men" Details is appealing towards? I have a female friend who dated a homosexual (unbeknownst to her at the time) male and she said he loved to spend money on clothes. If pants in that magazine are selling for $800 per pair I am not so sure you should be subscribing to it, Eric, considering your affinity for the female gender. In addition, the "fake breasts" complaint makes my point even more logical, or any article against breasts for that matter.
I say that you should not subscribe to that magazine anymore. Instead, go for something manly like....like....like....well something manly.
Great article!
Ah, yes, Jim 13. Heaven forbid a straight man would be attracted to a woman without fake boobs. Or even small boobs. Wow, what if a man is attracted to a girl because her face is pretty! Or maybe she has some self-respect, takes good care of herself and can hold her own at interesting conversation. Well, then he'd have to be a homosexual to like someone like that, right?
Jim, maybe you should stop subscribing to magazines such as FHM, Maxim, Faulty Logic Enthusiast, DB Monthly or whatever publications are giving you your skewed perception of what true womanhood is, bro.
Yo Brett, simmer down man. It was quite a tongue-in-cheek comment. Remember, much of this site is for those with senses of humor. Seriously, there are senses of humor all over the place here.
Hmm. You'd think that if Jim's comment was tongue-in-cheek, then it would have been funny.
"The December issue has a story entitled "Are you turning your kid into a douchebag?," which is like Sports Illustrated running an article called "Are you turning your kid into a sports fan?""
I hadn't laughed out loud for several days before I read that. Hilarious. Well done, young Eric.
Has anyone ever called you the Mormon Dave Barry? Because it's totally true.
Don't worry about recycling, Eric. The more paper that gets wasted, the greater the demand will be, and the more profitable it will therefore be to plant tree farms, thereby increasing the number of trees in the world and making it a happier, greener place. I'm pretty sure that run-on sentences are also good for the environment.
I'm happy for Jeff because I never laugh anymore.
Not since the fire.
18, of course he has. I have yet to notice the similarities in writing styles though. I can definitely feel the influence of Michael Nelson, but I just don't see Barry in there.
Aside from the other drivel Details magazine writes about I think it's irresponsible to assume "we're tired of fake breasts." Some of us are just reaching the zenith of our love affair with fake breasts.
Really, let's try to be more responsible with our journalistic assumptions.
Perhaps "we" refers to the author and the two guys he consulted before writing the article.
I actually used to run out to the newsstands each month to buy The Economist, The New Yorker, and any other good reads. That lead to a credit card mailing list, in which they put my late father's name on an invitation to subscribe to said magazines, even though he'd been deceased for a long time, and the credit card I paid with was in my mother's name. That gave me a bit of a grumble for quite a while. I loved reading this story, the mental image was too perfect! It reminds me of Chester J Lampwick (from the Simpsons) for some reason.
I used to have a subscription to "Spy" magazine, and when it folded, the publishers replaced it with a subscription to "GQ". Being female, it's not a magazine I'd ever read, and my reaction was a lot like Eric's: who were these clueless guys desperate for advice on matching socks to shoes and what drink to order? The best thing were stories on "How to pick up women". I'm in a position to say that it wouldn't have worked.
Oh well. When I was in New Orleans last time, I knew to order a Sazarac. *Not* a hurricane.
Dustin, I want my underwear back.
No, wait. On second thought, keep it.
Laremy,
b r i l l i a n t
I got a free subscription to Ski magazine a few years ago through a promo. Soon I was getting Skiing magazine as well. When the subscriptions ran I out, I renewed both for 12 months thinking they would be nice to leave behind in our ski condo. After the year was up I did not renew. I kept getting the magazines and "this is your last issue" renewal notifications for the next 18 months. I think the magazines care more about subscriber numbers to boost advertising rates than actually collecting subscription money. At least that's my theory....
I voted on the Marc Ecko website to brand the Barry Bond's #756 home run and I think I must have entered my real address because shortly afterwards, I began to receive the magazine "Complex", a magazine similar to EbonyJet. This one is specifically dedicated to the black, uneducated, male, hip-hop/rap crowd. I sent them an email claiming that I'm an educated, white, married male and that this magazine was not only uninteresting, but offensive. We'll see if it works.
Side note. The magazine labels itself "Complex" but I can sum it up in three words, drugs, prostitution, and rappers. How does it claim to be complex?
Side note 2. Marc Ecko grew up as a white, middle-class, Jewish (this is a fact and not a racial slur) kid. My question is how people can buy his products when he's as vanilla as I am. That and what am I doing getting an education when there's money to be taken from the black, uneducated, male, hip-hop/rap crowd?
I know that I have referred to blacks twice but if they prefer to be called "African-Americans" then I prefer to be called "European-American".
I've been getting propoganda from AARP for the past couple of months. I'm 31. I can't begin to fathom what I purchased or signed up for to make them think I'm ready for the old foks' home.
The last time I got an invitation to join, I sent back their info card with my age and a demand that they quit sending me their crap. So far so good.
Was hoping for a reference to Office Space in here: "What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe???"
David Brady, I shipped your underwear this morning. Lets just consider it a christmas present. Sorry about the C.O.D. for the cost of shipping, I'm running a little short this month. Tell mom hello.
#29: Maybe they meant "Complex" as in the psychological thing, like inferiority complex or Oedipus complex. I'm not sure exactly what kind of complex these people would suffer from, but it's an alternate explanation.
I saw the title and thought "Me too! I am getting Prevention magazine and I have absolutely no clue why" and for some reason thought Eric might have found the ultimate answer to the mystery subscription question (obviously it isn't "42"), but I was wrong.
The other similarity is the "expiring" miles from Delta (I had the same thoughts: How do they go bad--do they smell, or something?) and offer for magazines I have absolutely NO interest in (pretty accurate list, Eric!), so I didn't use my moldering miles for magazines, and Prevention is not on Delta's list. So I am still baffled. Oh well. Funny article, anyway! (Talm--Points for sweet fares to Orlando on EbonyJet.com LOL)
One of my regular office routines is looking for appropriate reading materials left behind in the men's room while I'm taking care of business. Mostly you get newspapers or company-related materials, but if you're lucky you get a Sports Illustrated.
By far the most disturbing was the time I found a Good Housekeeping. I mean, the men's room is the last of the men-only clubs, and finding a Good Housekeeping was clearly crossing the line. I understand I work with gay men, but what self-respecting gay man is reading Good Housekeeping?
I could see myself buying an $800 pair of pants. I could then see myself sewing an Abercrombie tag onto said pants and selling them for...oh, $3400.
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Comments & Reaction:
Not all the ads in Details include the prices, but I added up the ones in the December issue that do. A total of 77 items are listed, totaling $23,601, or $306.51 per item. Bear in mind that many of these are simple things like ties and belts. I mention this here because I couldn't find a good way to incorporate it into the column and I didn't want to let all my math go to waste.
At first I thought it was odd that not only was I getting two wrong magazines, but I was getting two wrong magazines that were related to each other. Turns out Ebony and Jet are a package deal, published by the same company. In fact, their website is EbonyJet.com.