Frequently Asked Questions at the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) Website.
Q: Tell me again why we can't bring bottled water through airport security?
A: Two reasons. One, because we have no way of knowing it's just plain water and not something that could be used to make a bomb. Two, because we said so.
Q: "Because we said so"?
A: Yeah. I mean, what are you going to do about it? We could make it a rule that you can't bring ANYTHING on an airplane, that you have to check all your luggage and board the plane buck naked, and you'd have no choice but to go along with it. Anyone who complained that their civil rights were being eroded would be labeled a terrorist sympathizer.
Q: How could a bottle of clear liquid be used to make a bomb?
A: Our scientists tell us that the right combination of liquids, even liquids that are harmless by themselves, can be deadly.
Q: Really?
A: No, not really. We pulled that one out of our butts. It sounds awesome, though, doesn't it? We think it's only a matter of time before Hollywood makes a film where a terrorist uses harmless liquids to make a bomb on an plane.
Q: How come the official TSA regulations have been updated to allow up to 3.4 ounces of liquid through security checkpoints, yet the TSA's own website still has it at 3 ounces?
A: We're hedging our bets. We want to reserve the right to harass you if you have more than 3 ounces. We'll enforce whatever the nearest sign says, or whatever rule we happen to make up on the spot. There's also a good chance we'll ignore this rule altogether and let an entire bottle of shampoo go by while we're talking to our co-workers.
Q: Why are all your airport screeners such idiots?
A: On the contrary, the TSA prides itself on selecting only the finest, most qualified high school dropouts and GED-takers to work at its airport security checkpoints.
Q: Why are they so stubborn and belligerent? They're worse than highway patrolmen.
A: For many of our screeners, this is the first time in their lives that they have had power over anyone. We admit that sometimes it goes to their heads. If you believe a TSA screener has treated you with disrespect, please ask to see a supervisor. The supervisor will listen carefully to your complaints, decide that you're wrong and the TSA screener is right, and then subject you to a lengthy strip-search and interrogation. Now who's stubborn and belligerent, eh, smart guy?
Q: This whole thing where you have to put all your liquids in a Ziploc bag -- the Ziploc company bribed you to create that rule in order to increase their sales, right?
A: You caught us.
Q: Why do you confiscate bottled water?
A: We already answered this. It's because we have no way of knowing, just by looking at it, that it's only water. It could be hazardous.
Q: Then how come when you confiscate it, you just throw it in a garbage can? Shouldn't it go into a biohazard bin or something?
A: Don't be silly. It's only a bottle of water!
Q: So I can't bring it through security because it might be dangerous, but you throw it in a regular garbage can because you know it's not dangerous.
A: Correct. Sometimes we go ahead and drink it ourselves.
Q: A few weeks ago, you forced a woman to remove her nipple ring with a pair of pliers before she could be permitted to pass through security. Your spokesman, Christopher White, defended this action, saying, "Incidents of female terrorists hiding explosives in sensitive areas are on the rise all over the world. This scenario must be addressed at our nation's airports." You do see the difference between hiding a bomb in your bra and having a small ring in your nipple, don't you?
A: No.
Q: I'm sorry, I just can't get past this water thing. Current TSA regulations let passengers bring screwdrivers, scissors, and cigarette lighters through security -- but not a bottle of water. Tell me again how a bottle of water is more dangerous than a pair of scissors?
A: We didn't want to confuse you with a lot of science, but since you're so persistent, here goes. Water is actually made up of two different chemical elements, hydrogen and oxygen. Hydrogen has been used to make such dangerous weapons as the hydrogen bomb. Oxygen is an accelerant -- neutral on its own, but if you light a match near it, it will make the fire burn faster and hotter. Knowing this, would you want to sit next to someone on a plane who had a whole bottle full of such volatile chemicals? We didn't think so.
Q: Doesn't it suck to work at a job where all day long you have to enforce arbitrary, illogical rules that someone else made up, all the while pretending that they actually make sense?
A: You have no idea.
My favorite part about the nipple story is that, after they forced her to pry two of her piercings out with a pair of pliers while male TSA agents snickered in the background, they allowed her to go through with her navel piercing intact "because [they] could see it." Since nipple bars are invisible unless removed, I suppose.
Remember in the first days when the liquids ban was in place, when the TSA officials had enormous trash cans at the heads of the screening lines where they emptied whatever bottles or containers people had on them into a seething, multicolored mess? Because nail polish mixed with baby formula and seltzer isn't volatile, EXCEPT WHEN IT IS! DUN DUN DUNNNNN. Do they think we're complete idiots, or what?
Almost every item of baby medicine (Benadryl, diaper ointment, etc.) is at least 4 oz. I always put them in the ziploc and have never had a problem.
One time my whole family was selected for screening. It was terrible. They had to wand my 7 month old daughter.
I think the no water rule was made up so vendors inside the airport can charge you $6 to replace the bottle of water you had to dump at security.
I'm with Laylabean on that one.
Something I've noticed recently is that if the liquid is in our diaper bag, it doesn't get a second look. If it is in another bag, they will dig and dig until they can root out the problem.
The most recent was at Newark, where we came in on an international flight. We had some bottles that the airline had given us in my backpack and the kid's diaper bag. We got rescreened at Newark, and they spent a good 5 minutes hunting for a 4 oz bottle of water, but the liter in the diaper bag went totally ignored.
Laylabean -- how else can the airlines afford to operate with fuel prices so high? Next on their list: banning reading materials. And the inflight magazines will now cost a buck. But they'll still have all the puzzles half-finished.
Couple weeks ago I forgot to take my swiss army knife off my keychain on a one-day trip -- wasn't checking any luggage -- so I just tried to position my metal keys in such a way that you wouldn't see the knife in the X-ray. (I have a lot of keys.) And it worked!
But only leaving SLC. On the way back, a bored attendant was telling me how to position my shoes, and spotted the knife.
It makes me want to build a nice bomb and strap it around my waist under a coat, and then show off once I get through the detectors. "HA HA! You guys missed me!"
In my opinion, the terrorists won on this one. They frightened us enough about air travel that we put up with this crap.
Who wants to fly anyway? They don't even kick the tires like they're supposed to. I say let's boycott the whole pathetic industry. I'd rather walk.
a very funny column this time round.
just imagine if you combine the sort of security issues from American airports with the chaos were having at Heathrows new Terminal 5. even the terrorists would probably reconsider taking that flight to Mallorca
How is this funny? It's far to close to the truth to be parody; it's more like a copy-and-paste of something the TSA would really put out.
Man, screwdrivers and scissors are ok? I should have just broken the knife blade off my old swiss army knife so I wouldn't have needed to surrender it before my last flight. Think that would get me arrested, arguing that my swiss army knife was ok because all it had was scissors and screwdrivers?
This is too funny. I'm leaving tomorrow on a business trip to Texas and I can just see having a conversation like this. I'm like a magnet for airport security harassment.
You haven't lived until you've had an encounter with Israeli airport security, though. I was coming home from a conference. I figured since I was coming halfway around the world, that I was going to do some touring as well. I was at the airport in Tel Aviv on my way home, and my luggage was being screened. The luggage screener asked me what the purpose of my visit was (you would think they would be more concerned about this on the way in, not on the way out), and I foolishly was a bit too forthcoming with information. I said tourism and a conference. I should have just said a conference, because this poor screener couldn't wrap his brain around the notion that someone could have two purposes for visiting, both legitimate. I got a 45 minute interrogation before they would let me leave.
I went on a flight in early march. My grandma had a morning shake type drink and the TSA guys said we had to take it out. My mom always gets her way--she said "Ok fine. She'll have a diabetic stroke on the plane!" The dude was like "Oh, she's diabetic? That's fine then."
So apparently all terrorists would have to do is say they were diabetic and they're good to go! No extra searches!
I can sympathize with the nipple-ring lady. TSA once made me remove my sphincter ring right there at the security checkpoint.
It was humiliating.
My favorite "liquid" incident: I recently traveled to Germany and on the way back I decided to spend my last few Euros (not realizing how valuable they were in today's market ;-) ) on a chocolate bar at a gift shop inside the security area. Because there was a SECOND security screening before my flight home (American flights demand double security, apparently), and because the chocolate was "creme-filled", they sealed my chocolate bar up in one of those duty-free "do not open until you reach your destination under penalty of who-knows-what" bags so I couldn't eat it! I could've taken it out of the bag anyway, except that that stuff is THICK and, of course, I had nothing sharp enough in my carry on.
I've been on the "hating the TSA" bandwagon ever since watching a customs official harass a Hispanic woman for five minutes with invasive questions, all the while regarding her with suspicion and checking her bags, while I passed through the checkpoint with $500 worth of pirated movies, possibly-illegal caribou horn belts and unclaimed pearls. Nobody gave me a second glance.
Now, I'm not claiming that I should have been harassed, stripsearched, had my luggage confiscated and been locked in a sealed room for fifteen hours to starve to death while TSA employees ate my food, but that nobody should be.
I got so disgusted with not only the TSA but commercial air travel in general that I went out and earned my pilots license. Now I just fly myself. Yeah, its more expensive, but way, way more convenient and hassle-free. And, really fun!
When I arrive/depart an airport, I use the general aviation FBO (Fixed Base Operator). Typically they have a nice plush lounge with big-screen TV showing real tv shows, fancy washrooms, complimentary beverages and snacks, some have a sleeping room and kitchens and, most importantly, no TSA checks. Need a rental car? Just call ahead and they have it waiting for you when you arrive. Get off the plane, grab the keys and you're off! When you leave, drop off the keys, hop on the plane and go! It's the way air travel should be.
My favorite TSA experience was when I happened upon a poor guy and a TSA employee in the middle of a heated debate over deoderant. As I was taking off my shoes (by the way, if they're going to require us to all be standing there in our socks like idiots, would it kill them to buy a few rugs?) I heard the following:
TSA: "I'm sorry sir, I have to confiscate this. It's a gel."
Man: "No it's not, it's an invisible solid."
TSA: "Nope, it's clearly a gel."
Man: "No, I swear, it's an invisible solid."
TSA: "I'm sorry, it looks like a gel so I have to confiscate it."
Man: "But it's NOT a gel, it's an invisible solid. It says it right on the label."
TSA: (pretends to read label"
Man: "See?!"
TSA: (keeps pretending to read)
...
...
TSA: "No. I'm going to have to confiscate it. You can buy some more inside the gate area."
Man: (quiet enough that only I heard him) "A**hole."
I felt bad for the guy, but I felt totally safe...
My dad works for an airline at the airport and they have to have everything screened before they can go into work, including their lunches. My dad's getting pretty tired (and poor) of buying $5 Cokes inside because he's not allowed to bring his own from home anymore.
Also new today, from the Onion News Network:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpN_RjIaVw8
Reeder, I don't usually laugh at stuff like that, but I did. Now I'm going to hell.
Otherwise, I hate TSA. I fly about twice a year and I've never had any trouble, but I still find the whole thing a huge waste of time. Even right after 9/11 and I heard they banned nail clippers, I said that's just dumb. Odd how almost nobody complained at how dumb that was. I do want to know why people aren't complaining more. There should be protests in the street over this stuff. But I haven't heard anything except a few muted complaints like Eric's. Anyone have any idea on what can be done?
No one complains anymore because we've determined flying simply isn't worth it. Now we all complain about gas prices because that's how we travel.
The crazed conspiracy-theorist in me thinks it's some kind of collusion on the part of the major industries to keep Americans in their places. It's easier to take advantage of an immobile population.
Realistically, I agree that there should be protests. If we keep handing over all our civil liberties for free, what exactly are we supposed to be fighting for?
I liked to get mad and make scenes at the screening line, like to call people to arms or something, but now that I'm a couple years more mature I just sneak stuff past the workers. My record so far is three tins of backpacker stove fuel (in metal containers), a swiss army knife, and two lighters. The employee harassment level does depend on the airport, though; I think it's inversely proportional to the volume of traffic through the place.
From the nipple-ring news article:
"In the future, TSA's procedures will meet the security need while giving additional flexibility for this kind of screening situation," Mr. White said. "This could include a visual inspection without removal."
A visual inspection? So, are people wearing mammary adornments supposed to de-bra right in the security line for all the world to see?
The dumbest thing about the water rule is that other liquids are okay. We've had to dump our babies' sippy cups out because they were full of water, but have been told juice and/or milk is okay. I guess juice renders inert all the destructive capabilities of water. Now we just say the sippy cups are full of juice, even if the juice is theoretical.
TSA Lady, to the Guy In Front Of Me In Line: Sir, we detected a bottle of liquid in your carry-on, and it appears that it might contain more than 3 ounces.
Guy In Front Of Me In Line: (mumble mumble)
TSA Lady, pulling a clownishly large water bottle out of Guy's bag: Yes....uh...it appears it might be more than 3 ounces...but let me just check...(still looking for clues)....oh, yes it's right here on the label: 2.5 liters.
Me: WTF, TSA?
Heh, that's what you get when you keep telling your officials that you respond well to people being treated with automatic suspicion in the name of freedom. Next time make your politicians promise to tone down the Fear and Alarm before you elect them.
I'm sure you all need to know this...for future reference anyway. Please make sure to take no metal crochet hooks on an airplane. Plastic hooks are just fine though. I guess they need to confiscate something from all of the old ladies they search!
I think the whole think is pathetic. One really sad example I witnessed was TSA confiscating a 2nd grader's blunt school scissors. He was in tears because he had to do his homework, and needed the scissors to complete it. Nope, into the trash they went, because those safety scissors that have trouble cutting anything (including paper) were obviously going to be used by a terrorist 2nd grader going to visit relatives.
We haven't flown for several years, and a major part of the decision is that the hassle and cost now outweighs the time savings. Aloha airlines went belly up today. I wonder who is next? Could these ridiculous rules (including if you pay extra to be a frequent traveller, you get a special pass) be killing off the airlines? Maybe we should put all congressmen/women on the watch list...
There are some peroxides that are clear liquids that look remarkably like water, which can, if shaken, allowed to crystalize, or if left in sunlight, become very, very explosive. Just saying.
But I agree that the whole thing is a pain in the butt.
Note to anyone who will be buying tacky NYC souvenirs for his or her 8-year-old daughter: snow globes contain liquid! D'oh! Bye bye snow globe.
The screeners at SLC airport unpacked an entire freakin' bag once. They didn't just root around, they took every single thing out. It was a carry-on, so it was the one I had carefully packed all of the fragile and/or valuable items in. Ever tried to carefully and rapidly repack a bag in the TSA screening area? I still don't know what they thought my DVD collection, laptop, or icons were hiding.
My sister once took a 4 ounce bottle of facewash that was visibly only half full (so contained about 2 ounces) and it was confiscated. She was furious, and the sort to actually argue with the guy. His response was, "Well, it's the size of the container. You could put other liquids into that and it would be more than the limit."
She decided against pressing the point and bringing up all kinds of relevant information like the fact that bringing in totally empty bottles were okay, or she could buy a bottle of water inside and then empy it out and use a TWELVE ounce bottle. She could do some really serious damage with that one, right? WTF, TSA, indeed.
You just empty out your water bottle and then refill it at the water fountain past the security area. Don't buy water there!!
#17 - I swear we must have been at the same checkpoint, hearing the same conversation! I laughed so hard after the time I heard that exact same conversation and your comment brought it all back! That invisible solid is sure to be dangerous!
Deb, as a born-and-raised former Hawaii Resident (and someone who frequently used Aloha Airlines) I have to disagree with you saying that the over regulation killed them. Aloha was a joy to fly, not only were they courteous, polite, and sensible, they gave passengers cookies on each flight! They were driven out of business by GO! Airlines, a mainland-owned airline. Sorry for the rant, just feel the need to defend Aloha.
My worst experience with TSA was when I was a teenager (Post 9/11) and my father had to make a lot of flights to mainland hospitals for special operations (He was dying of cancer) and the TSA officials attempted to confiscate his special meals and his syringes (He was diabetic) He had a note from his doctor, but they still harassed him, until the syringes were thrown away. So this column struck a nerve with me, talk about funny because it's true.
Watch what they do with the stuff the confiscate, too. Water bottles and blunt scissors, for example, they will throw in the trash. But a new tube of Bath and Body Fresh Vanilla Body Lotion goes into the special room and waits there for Ms. Screener to get off work and go back there to claim it.
Tatiana - You're absolutely correct with the level of searches being inversely proportional to the size of the airport - My family went through Sioux Gateway Airport in Sergeant Bluff SD. (The "A" gate was closed, so we boarded through the other gate.) All of our carry-ons were searched (we lost some gel deodorant and shampoo), and when we got home every one of our checked bags had been searched. (Well, every one but the one with my mom's name on it. I guess she's not on the terrorist watch lists.) Obviously there is a great risk of terrorists, posing as a family of four, flying out of Sioux Gateway.
We should seriously collect all these stories and send them to our congress people, TSA leaders, and the President. I think the entire country thinks this is crap and I bet we could do something if we all wrote real snail mail letters to these folks. Power to the people, or something!
As long as I can bring my vodka onboard, I'm still flying the plane.
Wanda Sue: I really hope you mean: you're still flying IN the plane....
One of the most awkward moments in my life was trying to get through security when I went to see an outdoor concert/awards ceremony for the SLC olympics. It was FREEZING cold outside, so I had about ten different layers of clothing on, but the underwire in my bra kept setting off the metal detector. The screener was either a total a** or some endangered species of twenty-something male who had never investigated or considered the intricaces of ladies' undergarments because he kept making me remove layer after layer, despite my humiliated explanations of "Seriously, pal. It's my bra. It has a wire in it."
Granted, I am "blessed," almost ridiculously so, so I suppose it is feasible that he was really concerned that I was packing something in my bra, but I got all the way down to my t-shirt in the sub-20s temperature until finally some woman with a thick east coast accent emerged from the crowd to rescue me with a string of profanities directed to the screener. She was something of a force to be reckoned with so he finally relented and let me through. I was so grateful.
I always think of her when I go through the airport screenings. I'm a lawyer now and I'm just waiting for someone to try that nonsense on me now.
I've always loved how bored the screeners at the SLC airport look whenever I go. Of course, I'm usually dropping my nephew off to fly home from his weekend visits with his idiot father, so I'm not really excited to be there. But whenever I've been there, I swear they're just sitting around talking about what stupid "rule" they can pull out to stop someone. I had to laugh at the lady who tried to smuggle her dog on one night. She set the doggie carrier down on the belt (intelligence much?) while she took off her shoes. While she was ranting to the screener monkeys about having to take off her "totally expensive & if there is one scratch on them I'm suing this whole airport!", Fido was heading straight for the x-rays!! Just as the bag was about to go in, the dog yapped & they stopped the machine. They pulled her aside, which I was kind of sad about, because it was becoming so entertaining!!! I love when people throw fits at the airport!! My favorite is when they're late to the airport, but it's the airline's fault that they missed their flight!! I was waiting at the counter to get my nephew's ticket one night & there was a guy arguing with the one agent that was running the whole counter! The guy had come to the airport 10 minutes before it left!! They were telling him that he wouldn't make the flight in time & the guy went nuts. I was trying so hard not to laugh, because I was afraid he'd whip around & beat me up!!
Last year, when we flew from Tucson to SLC, security stopped us because of my daughter's sippy cup of water. I unscrewed the top, gulped down the water, and returned the sippy cup to the diaper bag. The security guy looked a little sheepish and I got a few chuckles out of the people behind me in line.
Leah Jane,
I totally agree with you that Aloha Airlines was great. I was shocked to hear that they are gone. I had no idea an airline I've never heard of drove them out. I assumed it was combined pressure from costs and lower ridership because of idiot TSA stuff.
Last December in Mpls I had already passed through the metal detector but had not yet made it through the entire security check point when I had this conversation about a tube of lip gloss:
TSA: This needs to be in a ziplock bag
Me: Ok, where do I get the bag?
TSA: They're over there (points to the now un-accessable other side of the metal detector)
Me: Umm...Do I go back?
TSA: You need to follow the rules
Me: Should I throw it away?
TSA: You need to follow the rules
Me: I don't understand what you want me to do at this point
TSA: You need to follow the rules
This goes on for several minutes before the woman from TSA clarifies her statement adding that I can't just assume that I'm exempt from the rules. It's at this point I realize that this has less to do with my lip gloss and more to do with the law enforcement badge sitting next to it in my purse. Talk about being on a power trip. Oh, and insult to injury; When I finally just pick up my bags and walk away (who knew they wouldn't even try to stop me?) one of the other agents gave me a ziplock bag out of his pocket for "future flights." Thanks for keeping me safe TSA.
When I fly I take a full sealed 1-liter bottle up to the checkpoint. When the screener starts eyeing my water, I quickly down it, belch loudly as I hold my stomach, then say "Whoo, I feel like I might explode!" They really get a kick out of that.
I then refill the bottle from a water fountain nearest the vendor with the $6 water bottles for sale, belching ludly again as I toast their success in passing.
I was once being wanded (is that a word?) at an airport security point while wearing suspenders under my shirt.
TSA: (Upon his wand reacting to the metal clasp on the suspenders) "What's that?"
Me: "My suspenders."
TSA (Wanding the other side of my body, and his wand reacting again) "What's that?"
Me: (Speaking as if to a small child) "Uh, the other side of my suspenders. See, how it works is, there's one on each side to hold up my pants ..."
TSA didn't even crack a smile. I however, laugh every time I think about it.
I was flying out of Honolulu international in December, my 8 year old sister had found a big pointy stick (more than capable of causing injury) earlier that day and wanted to keep it. The TSA screener let her through with it because she said it was a cane!!! My 8 year old sister was using a piece of drift wood as a "cane" and the TSA screener didn't say a thing... I still had to hand over my water.
I fly a lot, and I find the whole liquid ban by the TSA severely annoying. Even unopened bottles of Diet Coke are confiscated, and, as Eric mentioned, likely consumed by the team commissioned "To Search and Stand Erect."
If anyone read the actual linked article, the best part was the attorney's argument to the TSA during a video teleconference, and I quote, "The last time that I checked a nipple was not a dangerous weapon."
It could just be me, but I see many article possibilities opening up from that one line. In my view, nipples have been the cause for many historical atrocities, invasions, and the otherwise inexplicable popularity of Kirsten Dunst. And if there should happen to be a spinoff TSA team created to check all nipples to see if they are dangerous weapons, allow me to be the first to volunteer.
I recently got back from a trip to New Zealand and had to stop in San Francisco which has a nice airport until you have to deal with TSA. My wife and I arrive at their checkpoint and go through the motions of putting bags through, emptying pockets and taking shoes off. Thinking I'm all set, I proceed to enter the metal detector and standing directly in my way is a frowning TSA guy with his arms folded. After a 20 seconds of awkward silence, the guard blurts out, "Where is your boarding pass?" Boarding pass? I'm one item of clothing away from being in my sleeping clothes and now I'm expecting to carry my boarding pass on top of all this? I had to wave my wife down on the other side to bring our tickets. The security gentleman suspiciously looks at the boarding passes and then glances at me a couple of times as if there's some photo ID on the freakin things. A couple of minutes pass before he finally gets out of the way so I can walk through. Perhaps this is just something they do in San Fran but it is a ridiculous annoyance that makes no sense especially when the officer just before had already checked for boarding passes and ID. Next time, they could at least warn us before making us strip down silly to hold on to our walking papers.
The whole water thing gets really annoying when traveling through certain airports with TWO security checkpoints. Sure, you can fill your water bottle from the fountain, but you have to empty it again before going through the security at the gate. From there, you're screwed--there are no fountains at the gate. But don't worry. After you've been in the air for an hour a nice flight attendant will come around and give you 6 oz. of liquid to see you through the next several hours.
I gotta say, TSA screeners must have one of the worst jobs. But I have to wonder how the power trip would go for them if we weren't in danger of missing our flights and had the time to stand up to them when things get truly ridiculous. More than usual, I mean.
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Comments & Reaction:
Why, yes, I did recently have a run-in with airport security! How did you know? It was my own fault, really -- I forgot I had the water bottle in my bag -- but actually discussing it with a TSA employee made all the ludicrous aspects of the whole thing come together in my mind.
The TSA's actual limit on liquids and gels is 100 milliliters, which translates to approximately 3.4 ounces. Yet for some reason their own website says 3 ounces, apparently because the idea of milliliters or fractions of ounces would confuse people. But it's an important distinction, because many lotions, perfumes, and gels come in 3.4-ounce bottles -- acceptable under the actual rule, but too heavy under the more commonly known 3-ounce rule. As ever, the best option is to simply remain in your house and never go anywhere.
SnideCast intro and outro: "Come Fly with Me," by Michael Buble.