Some guy got a hold of “Clash of the Titanic” in e-mail form, tore it apart, and sent it out to some of his friends, with the title “If Reader’s Digest Did ‘Titanic,” or “‘Titanic’ in a Nutshell.” You may find it interesting to read the original version and then compare it with this one.
(Scene 1)
ROSE: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn’t it?
CAL: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an
artist named Picasso. I am certain he will amount to nothing.
ROSE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90’s audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
JACK: Hello, I’m played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the
many girls who worship me. You are very pretty.
ROSE: Thank you. So are you.
JACK: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
“brooding” face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
ROSE: While you’re doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying. I’ll try to stay attractive by
getting my dress wet. Meanwhile, for no apparent reason, I’ll count the
lifeboats.
CAL: Excuse me. I do not like you, even though you saved my fiancee’s
life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you’re
poor, and then I’ll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and
then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure
my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I’ll throw an elderly
person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a
few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus,
you’re trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we
hate you! Boo!
(Scene 2)
JACK: I’m glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your
fiance.
ROSE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact
that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the audience
forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if
my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
JACK: I agree. First, I would like to draw you.
ROSE: Can I take my clothes off now?
JAMES CAMERON: Yes.
ROSE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for
that sort of thing?
JAMES CAMERON: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks
the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in
Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
what happened.
ROSE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we’re about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can’t be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Boo! Where’s Leonardo?
JACK: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
ROSE: That is terrible
JACK: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
ROSE: Certainly. Let’s steam up some windows.
CAL: (aside) I’m getting the raw end of the deal here. To cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am
going to handcuff Jack to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be
filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe
has been mentioned previously.
JACK: Why don’t you just shoot me?
CAL: Because then you wouldn’t be able to escape and save Rose from me.
Of course, you’re going to die anyway…
AUDIENCE: Don’t spoil it for us!
JACK: He’s right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he’s doomed.
CAL: I hate you people.
(scene 4)
JACK: We’re not going to die. At least you’re not.
ROSE: This water is very cold.
JACK: *glugglugglug*
ROSE: He’s gone. I’ll just freeze my lips to this whistle.
(Scene 5)
150 YEAR OLD ROSE: And that’s when Jack rescued me from my evil fiance
and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn’t
been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs off. Anyway, he’s pretty much dead now,
and I’m well over a thousand years old, and who’s making my supper? I
need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it’s making my ears hurt. You
kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was – hey!
Don’t you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I’d turn you over
my kneee, if I had one. I’ll beat you in the head with this huge
diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits, accompanied by that annoying Celine Dion
song and the sound of James Cameron counting a huge pile of cash.)
