Frowny-faced old people on television keep complaining that nobody reads the news anymore, but I don’t think that’s true. Print journalism continues to flourish in the form of gossip magazines. OK!, In Touch, Us Weekly, and their competitors keep Americans abreast of all the latest developments in the lives of celebrities — who are, after all, our most precious natural resources and must be treasured. These magazines use a specialized lingo, however, that can be hard for a layperson to comprehend. There is often a layer of what’s known as “B.S.” between what they say and what they really mean. So as a public service, I have reprinted a handful of quotes — all from the April 4 issues of In Touch and OK! — and translated them into the vernacular, so that all may be edified.
What they say: “John Mayer sat with Sir Elton John at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.”
What they mean: “There was a mixup in the seating arrangements at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.”
What they say: “[Mariah Carey] is constantly tired, she’s been confined to her bed often and she hasn’t been able to work.”
What they mean: “Another reason she hasn’t been able to work: no one has offered her any work.”
What they say: “Sources close to Kate Hudson tell OK! the actress has endured ‘awful’ morning sickness well into her second trimester.”
What they mean: “Kate Hudson is learning what it feels like to watch a Kate Hudson movie.”
What they say: “When Jennifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson get the same haircut in one season, you know it’s THE look of the moment.”
What they mean: “Or you know it’s 1996, and a 12-year-old Scarlett Johansson is getting a ‘Rachel.’
What they say: “Suri [Cruise] is growing up way too fast.”
What they mean: “A 4-year-old girl who is constantly being photographed and scrutinized is somehow growing up way too fast.”
What they say: “Angelina [Jolie] looks bustier and fuller than she did in January. ‘It’s possible she’s pregnant,’ says Boston ob-gyn Dr. Dave David.”
What they mean: “Sorry, but ‘Dr. Dave David’ was the best fake name we could come up with when we wanted an ‘expert’ to verify that it’s possible for a 35-year-old woman to be pregnant.”
What they say: “Talk about pressure! Just one month after giving birth to her first child, Penelope Cruz was scheduled to walk the red carpet at the Academy Awards.”
What they mean: “Penelope Cruz was terrified into losing weight by the Academy’s strict ‘no fat chicks’ policy.”
What they say: “Lindsay Lohan likes NYC’s Beauty & Essex so much that she ate there twice last week.”
What they mean: “Beauty & Essex is right around the corner from the alley where Lindsay Lohan likes to get high.”
What they say: “While filming ‘Breaking Dawn’ in Vancouver, Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart stay at the Sheraton Vancouver Wall Center. If you want to sleep under the same roof as the ‘Twilight’ hotties, rooms start at $220 per night.”
What they mean: “The Sheraton Vancouver Wall Center did not offer us anything in exchange for this plug, and going to Vancouver just so you could stay in the same hotel where the ‘Twilight’ people once stayed would not be at all weird or creepy.”
What they say: “Kate Beckinsale is reprising her role as vengeful vamp Selene for ‘Underworld 4: New Dawn.'”
What they mean: “If you were wondering what happened to Kate Beckinsale, she has apparently been making vampire movies.”
What they say: “An Australian honeymoon for William and Kate? Britain’s Prince William and his fiancee, Kate Middleton, may be traveling Down Under after their royal wedding.”
What they mean: “We may have misunderstood what Prince William meant when he used the term ‘Down Under.'”
What they say: “Tiger Woods’ new girlfriend, Alyse Lahti Johnston, was arrested on suspicion of DUI last year. She pleaded no contest to a lesser charge.”
What they mean: “She pleaded no contest to the lesser charge of being Tiger Woods’ girlfriend.”
What they say: “Justin Bieber amused a gaggle of photographers following him into a London toy store by grabbing a big toy gun and firing in their direction.”
What they mean: “Haha, Justin Bieber ‘pretended’ that he wanted to murder the paparazzi.”
What they say: “Ryan Phillippe and Amanda Seyfried took a seemingly carefree hike in the Hollywood Hills, despite reports that Ryan’s former girlfriend is pregnant and due to give birth in June.”
What they mean: “Amanda Seyfried returned from a hike in the Hollywood Hills pregnant.”
What they say: “Khloe Kardashian on losing her virginity: ‘I felt disgusted.'”
What they mean: “Just think how the people watching must have felt.”
What they say: “Gorgeous Katherine Heigl was smart to slap on plenty of sunscreen in Miami on March 18: It was 82 and sunny!”
What they mean: “Katherine Heigl is aware that the sun, like everything else in the universe, wants her dead.”
What they say: “Sandra Bullock says being a mom ‘has made me a better person. I’m more patient.'”
What they mean: “Sandra Bullock might start waiting until she has read the script before she agrees to star in a movie.”
What they say: “Justin Bieber’s new haircut makes his Madame Tussauds wax figure a little out of date!”
What they mean: “Luckily, they can repurpose the wax figure for their other exhibit, ‘The Lesbians of Hollywood.'”
What they say: “Now that he’s a superstar, Bradley Cooper wants to take advantage of his A-list perks — without girlfriend Renee Zellweger.”
What they mean: “One of the perks of being a superstar is that you no longer have to date Renee Zellweger.”
What they say: “As Scientologists, Tom [Cruise] and Katie [Holmes] believe children should be allowed to make their own decisions.”
What they mean: “Suri Cruise has announced that she would like to start seeing other parents.”
What they say: “Kourtney Kardashian’s ex-fiance, Scott Disick, pitched a reality show featuring them as married parents, and was upset to find out there were no takers — and that he and Kourtney would be less interesting to viewers if they were wed.”
What they mean: “There is apparently a way for Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick to be less interesting to viewers.”
What they say: “Lady Gaga quit college her sophomore year to focus on her music.”
What they mean: “Well, not her music. Madonna’s music.”
