For those of you just joining us, a while back I got annoyed with dumb people thinking that because I had reviewed someone’s movie, that must mean I had contact information for that person. In particular, Raven-Symone’s fans seemed certain I had her e-mail address and was simply holding out on them. So I registered a fake address, symone.raven@gmail.com, and posted it here, along with a clear disclaimer indicating it was NOT her actual address. I did this with the sure knowledge that people would write to it anyway. Which of course they did.
Over time, the address got passed around the Internet without my disclaimer, which means a lot of the people writing to “Raven” now are doing so in good faith, having no reason to know it’s not her real address. Those people we mock not for writing to Raven, but for doing so in such a hilarious and illiterate fashion.
In this super-sized edition, we start to see a new trend in which Raven fans almost grasp what’s going on here, and then don’t quite. In all cases, I have bolded my favorite passages.
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE
[This one almost makes me cry, and then at the end it turns awesome and makes me laugh.]
Aug. 2, 2006:
hey raven i know your like who is this I just emailed to say I love you you are the just the best I know you here this everyday but not like this you are the best i know i already said that anyway i have dreams about you everyday i’m not lieing I know i’m just 10 you don’t care but it’s true I can’t believe I’m doing this but I do it’s true I love you this isn’t some guy you like im just an everyday kid who knows you here this everyday im not going to ask you to marry me or anything drastic like that but you are the most facinating thing in the face of the planet im the most left out person in my entire school so i have no friends Im not gay or anything i just stay in my room with all the posters i have just wishing I was liked or even noticed but now that i’ve learned about computer I just sit in my room writing my screenplays [movies] but thats bascically it i dont cry but its just really depressing i know this is just a scam or cheapscape but if it isn’t and you read this entire paragraph please im begging you email me back and no i cant let you read my screenplays because you might try to steal it no offence but they’re the only things i have thank you
* * * * *
Aug. 6, 2006:
WHY WOULD YOU PRETEND TO BE “RAVEN SYMONE” DON’T YOU KNOW THERE ARE LAWS AGAINST THAT.”PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE YOU’RE NOT ON THE COMPUTER…HA DO YOU KNOW THAT?
[It’s been pointed out before, but it bears repeating: Posting an e-mail address and saying very clearly that it is NOT Raven-Symone’s real e-mail address does not constitute pretending to be Raven-Symone. In fact, it’s sort of the opposite.]
* * * * *
Aug. 8, 2006:
Hi “raven” This Is Claire. Oh my gosh! you are so funny! You pretend to have her email and then clearly state that you just made that up and you will respond to it pretending to be her! LOL! I’m smart, [uh, hold off on that, honey…]and just as i was leaving the website I scanned the rest of the text and realized it was all a scam! So, just to say, If you do, possibly happen to come across her email, please send it to me, because she is my idol! [Oh! So close!] I’m eleven, and i really think raven is so funny! so are you. Nice emailing you!
Toodles,
Claire
11 years of age
* * * * *
Aug. 10, 2006:
HI RAVEN THIS IS YOUR BIGGEST FAN NINA,I CANT WAIT TILL I GO TO YOUR CHEETA GIRS CONCERT ITS ASOME.ALSO TELL THE OTHER CHEETA’S I SAID HI,SO SEE YOU.
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Aug. 17, 2006:
ok first I would to say is that thank u 4 taking the time to read this so geting point I like u to help me with my fashion carrer if its not to much trouble
* * * * *
Aug. 18, 2006:
hello can u talk to me is it u really u please email me u dont thats ok i will cry a littel 9 years old but thats ok bye call me if u talk to me
[OK, I get that this person is only 9 years old. But even a 9-year-old can re-read what she’s written to see if it makes sense. Surely this isn’t how she talks, too; she probably speaks as coherently as any 9-year-old. So this isn’t about intelligence here, people. This is about proof-reading your own work before you hit “send.”]
* * * * *
Aug. 21, 2006:
I just wanted to let you know that I did read that last paragraph on your blog, and that you totally and completly suck. I mean, who are you anyway, and do you even Raven Symone? [No. I believe I have made that clear.] Well, I do, and I was just trying to find her email address for my cousin because he lost it. My cousin Ja used to go out with her and wanted to email her, but nooo, you wont give it to me. If you do know it, please tell me so I can give it to my cousin and get it over with.
IT’S VERY SIMPLE!
* * * * *
[I believe this next one is from James Joyce.]
Aug. 23, 2006:
hi how are doing beautiful my name is angelo [last name] im writing this letter to tell that I think that you are so beautiful one of god most beautifulest woman on earth and I like to get to know you I would love to be one of your closest best friends im so in love with you that I will give you my freedom and be your slave I will do as many back flips as you want me to do thats how much I love you [“Slave, I’d like you to go out and pick some cotton, and then come back and do 11 back flips for me!] and thats real talk I want to serve you hand and feet I want to be the one who tells you look good every morning and even better every night because no matter what you will all ways look good to me because what makes you so beautiful is your kind heart I love what you do for peoples when im on the internet I tell peoples how good you are to kids and how you try to make kids dreams come like one time I was reading a commit it was about when you was on punk and they was talking bad about so I told instead of looking at her body for beauty they should of been looking at your heart and by the way I think you have a sexy body I love you body if I could I would kiss from head to toe that’s how much I respect your body I love it when you dance and when you shake it that turns me on even more sometimes I be like damn I want to see her back it up to a juvie video nall [I have no idea what “juvie video nall” means] let quit playing and get serious and by the way im phalasophar the guy who always write nice commits about you just look the name up on googles or yahoo I know you is so kind but if you ever gets mad you can always take your anger and frustraition out on me and if you ever need a real person to talk to you can always talk to me because I love you for who you are than you for reading this and feel free to email me anytime and as for being your slave I was serious on that you can boss me around anytime and anyday alright then im up out of here peace
* * * * *
Aug. 23, 2006:
hey Raven this is jessica my friend emailed you earlier in the week so I figured I would send u one I am having my friend sleepover the day of the cheetah girls 2. and just out of curiosity how old are u?
* * * * *
[OK, these two e-mails from the same girl are just sweet. They make me wish I were Raven-Symone, so that I could reply and make her day. But I am not, nor will I ever be. Sigh.]
Aug. 23, 2006:
Hi Raven I am a big fan. I live in Baltimore,Maryland. My name is Erin. I am 11 years old. I have juvenile diabetes. I am going to see you hopefully at the state fair this Friday. I am a part of JDRF ( juvenile diabetes researh foundation ). I was diagnosed when I was seven. I also have an insulin pump. It is a big help. I love That’s So Raven. And I can’t wait to see the Cheetah Girls 2. Well, see you at the fair.
Aug. 24, 2006:
What’s up. I emailed you yesterday. I was just wondering what it is like to act. When I grow up I want to be a lawyer. I have lived in Baltimore all of my life. I have two sisters. My big sister wants to go Spelman. My cousin already goes to Morehouse. Nice talking to you. Bye.
* * * * *
Aug. 26, 2006:
Hey Friend,
Hi Im Alan [last name].I love your tv show Thats so raven because you are funny and I love it when you say”OH SNAP” and when you fall on someone and say Im okey.I also like your singing.I hope you write me back.
* * * * *
Aug. 27, 2006:
Hi Raven Symone,
How Are You?¿ Yes,Yes.. I Am One Of Your Fans, I Would Love To Meet You Or To Be On Your Show “That’s So Raven”.
Mi Name Is Ashley [last name] And I Am 12, I Will Be 13 Soon..
I Live In Ajax,ON In Canada. I Love To Act And I Love To Dance, Everyone Tells Me That I Am A Great Dancer I Like To Think So Myself. Since I Could Walk I Have Been Dancing.
My Friends Think Of Me As Sometime Crazy And Hyper Because You Will Alwayz See Me Dancing Or Singing.
I Have Msn.. And I Would Love To Meet You And Talk Or Even Be On Your Show..I Watch It Everyday…
So Please Raven Contact Me, It Would Mean The World If You Did..
I Know To Finally See A Smile On My Mothers Face To See That I Got Wanted I Wanted Ever Since I Could Talk. It Would Be The Best..
Please, Please Reply To Me @ [e-mail address]
* * * * *
Aug. 27, 2006:
hey raven- wuts up??? well I saw your e-mail address on the nternet cuz u gave it out to someone. well if this is really your e-mal address i’d change it for your sake. i rally hope you respond cuz that would be so cool. Guess what- my stepbrother steven just moved in with some new roommate. one of them either went to mddle school or hgh school with u. his name is chris stack. well if you know him tell me! thanks bye!!!
*’*’*E~M~M~A*’*’*
* * * * *
Aug. 27, 2006:
oh raven that was the best movie(the cheetah girls 2) i admire it very much!
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Aug. 27, 2006:
hello
i do not know if waht i was reading from someone is true that this is your real e-mail? i love your “that’s so raven shows” i watch them all the time when they are on i think they are funny. i was woundering if you would like to e0mail back and fourth once in a while that is if you want to i would not mind it only if u want to
bye for now your fan mathew
* * * * *
[From someone named “Dyamond”]
Aug. 30, 2006:
i think you are a graet idol to little girls because it looks like u have on no make up but it’s still beautiful and i think that little girls should wear only light shades thats why i think u are a graet inspiration to little girls
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Aug. 31, 2006:
hi raven! I’m a huge fan. i know that you must get annoyed at fans e-mailing you all the time. however. I’m one of those fans that know celebrities don’t always like to be harassed by a whole bunch of #1 fans. that is a funny thing a whole bunch of people say that they are your biggest fan. i bet you have heard that alot. they have to realize that we are all big fans but i don’t thing one of us are the biggest. we are just a family of fans. when i was younger if i had seen a famous person i would probably ran up to them and created a scene. but i am older now and realized that famous people are not that diffrent from non-celebraties. the only real diffrence is that celebraties are on t.v. and usually more rich. i have had so many dreams of meeting you and what i would say without making a huge scene. if you would like to e-mail me back you can. i have suggestion. would the people who make the cheetah girl movies cosider making a movie called “th cheetah girls, before it all happened”. i think it should be about the cheetah girls reminising on there lives as littler girls when and how they met. they should have little girls play them. the cheetah girls should be remembering the time when they were 6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13. or what ever age you guys want. [Like 6! Or 7! Or even 8 or 9! Or maybe 10!] oh yeah before i forget are there any that’s so raven auditions for 12 year old girls? sorry about such a long letter !
* * * * *
Sept. 1, 2006:
Wzz Up Raven, see, i dont know if this is your real e-mail, but i really really want to hear from you. it will bring me lots of Joy.
Tyler [last name].
Please write back soon!!!!!
* * * * *
Sept. 3, 2006:
R u really raven symone??of u r i wanna b ur friend, i have Emilys from hannah mon tannah. I am a really nice girl and i love youre show the cheetah girls 2 ROXX MY SOXX!!!e-mail me back ok?
~*Jaime*~
* * * * *
Sept. 4, 2006:
Hello Raven,
First sorry for my poor english…I come from Martinique . it is a french west indies near florida ! I write this email for congratulate you because even in MARTINIQUE we laught about your jokes in “that’ so Raven” !
I suppose it will be fun to converse some time in internet maybe in french why not .. lol :p
Ok so good bye
Stéphane
[Maybe in French, why not? Unsurprisingly, Stephane writes better English than most of Raven’s American fans. But more to the point: Maybe in French, why not?]
* * * * *
Sept. 4, 2006:
Hey Raven,
I love you’re show. I like the one where Cory tries to be on the Skatboard team. I can’t remember the name of the team though the X something i think. But anyway I have some questions. Did you like filming That’s So Suite Life of Hannah Montana? I know i liked it. Well anyway Please reply.
Thanks You’re fan
* * * * *
Sept. 4, 2006:
Dear Raven,
My name is Kelsey, and I have a friend named Marissa [last name]. We love your work, and feel we would be excellent additions to the Cheetah Girls. We could be the mini Cheetah Girls or the Cheetahs in Training. We are both 15 years old. We have talent in acting, dancing, and singing. We know all of your dances and have growl-power coming out of our head. [I’d see a doctor about that if I were you.] We live in Ga, but definitely would not mind leaving home to become a Cheetah Girl. Please e-mail ASAP as I don’t know how I have to live. [How LONG I have to live? Is that what she’s saying?! Good heavens!]
Thank you soooo much fellow cheetah,
Kelsey and Marissa
* * * * *
Sept. 5, 2006:
raven i am your biggest fan and my name is kyra
* * * * *
Sept. 8, 2006:
Hi my name is Kelsey and I want to say that you so rule.I am screaming now.You are like so the best.I want to ask you did you have a baby?Everyone is saying you did but i don’t think so.I idolize you everyday. [I take a few minutes in the morning and a few more minutes before I go to bed to idolize you.] You and the cheetah girls are perfact.I can not believe you went to Barcalona, Spain.I have seen every that’s so raven show you have made.I only have not seen raven’s country cousins.I have to go.Please please please e-mail me back.
* * * * *
Sept. 9, 2006:
Raven,
You are my favrite actress.I imer you. [I “admire” you? Is that it? “IMER”?!]
Please write back
Your #1 fan Arielle
* * * * *
Sept. 10, 2006:
So My name is faith
of course i whant to be just like you when I grow up. Alot of poeple do. Maybe a couple questions. how did you become a actress and and a singer?And is it ever hard to act or sing at points? Just wndering because of course I whant to be just like you when I grow up. And I wonder if it hard or not. I always think that i’ll never amount to any thing and I just cant do things like poeple like you can do. I think I’ll never have a single chance. I mean I freek when I sing by myself. I cant stand you know acting because I always forget something or do something wrong or i embeisen myself. I just whant to know if its easier you. [I “embeisen” myself?! That’s gotta be the worst one yet, right? “EMBEISEN”??]
~Faith [last name]~
* * * * *
Sept. 11, 2006:
Hi raven im justin i like your show do you know dylan sprouse fhone number.Can you tell me your phone number.Tell me the person whos play as chelsea.
* * * * *
Sept. 12, 2006:
hi raven my name is dominique… i am a 13 year old girl who loves your shows and just had to tell you… i think you are a very beautiful person from as far as i know… well if you can and is not busy im hoping you can get back to me.. and maybe i can ask you a few questions.. and if you’re wondering what about, it’s about modeling… ok well get back to me soon… bye..
* * * * *
Sept. 15, 2006:
Raven your my idol I watch you everyday!I wish you were my sister we both act silly and have great fasion bugs. (I would be very dissapointed if you didn’t e-mail me back). [Life is rough, kid. Get used to it.] I watch you on the cosby show all the time. My sister 22 yrs. thought she saw you at Disney land California!!! I wish I could see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please e-mail me back call me [phone number] (cell) or write me a letter [full mailing address]
love ya ,your #1 fan Kachia (Kaysha) [Hey, one misspelled version of a made-up name per customer!]
* * * * *
Sept. 15, 2006:
raven OMG ur perfume is amazin i hav it nd i love it u r so awesome…..lots of luv<33
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Sept. 17, 2006:
I just want to say that I am you best fan and I love all the movie that you make. they are so good and it is the best. I am victoria and I am from America, I am black and I am 13 year old.
victoria
* * * * *
Sept. 19, 2006:
When I read your blog, I was like “wow, now I can e-mail Raven” Then, I read the end of it and I was like “wow, how mean!” Thousands of people are not going to read the end of your blog and believe that you have raven’s e-mail address. That’s mean!!! And another thing, if Raven knew I’m pretty sure she’d be mad too! Also, how can you go around calling people who read your blog stupid! You’re the one who wrote it! Write another blog saying that you apologize! E-mail me when you do! Now get working on that apology and stop pretending to be Raven!
Unknown (to you at least!)
Sept. 19, 2006
I thought your first blog was enough! Now your going to make fun of people by posting their personal e-mails they wrote to whom they thought was Raven Symone. That’s right! I did read your second blog! Now you really better apologize to all those poor kids out there who thought it was raven symone’s address! You better not post any of those e-mails on your site….or…or…well, I guess if you do the wrong thing you might just have to find out. Although, I promise I won’t hurt you. [Whew!]
Unknown (at least to you!)
Sept. 19, 2006
I wrote to you later about how rude that was, well, I decided, that it was funny, not rude. Sorry, I just got mad when I discovered that it really wasn’t Raven’s e-mail address. Keep doing what your doing, it’s halarious! Even my mom thought that it was really Raven’s e-mail and showed it to me, I had to read her the rest of your blog. To apologize, I’ll send in a really funny letter about a girl writing to Raven for your site! Remember to post it!
Brenna.
[True to her word, she sent an e-mail for Raven a few minutes later. It doesn’t count, though, because she knew it wasn’t really going to Raven.]
* * * * *
Sept. 22, 2006
hey raven im your biggest fan i need some advise so can u email or talk to me on [e-mail address]
ps im your biggest fan!!!!! [Not sure if I mentioned that already!]
* * * * *
Sept. 23, 2006
Hey Ray!! Your show, ‘That’s so Raven’, is ‘off the hook’! My name is Brylei (Bri-lee), [Note to parents: When you get drunk and make up names for your kids, at least make it a name that doesn’t require a pronunciation key.] but call me Bry-Bry; as that is what my friends refer my as to! Is this really your e-mail, or someone else’s??? I don’t know. I know, you may not reply to me as quick as a snap, because your busy with your life! I know how that feels, kind of! Are you really a designer?? If you are, will you make me a shirt that says ‘Brylei’????
Well, nice mailing you! Take your time e-mailing me!!
~Brylei~
[Love the use of italics for emphasis.]
* * * * *
Sept. 24, 2006
I am sorry to bug you I jest wnat one question have you ever met Linzy Lohen?
Email Me Back
Thank You!!!!!!
* * * * *
Sept. 25, 2006
i know your cousin his name is christopher and me and him is very cool and i wanted to know can i get some money
[You know that’s where a lot of these let’s-be-friends e-mails are going; it’s nice to see someone get right to the point immediately.]
* * * * *
Sept. 29, 2006
Hello raven just to let you know you and your co star orlando brown are getting to fat u not ugly but u are getting to fat and it is taking away from your beauty orlando use to be cute now he’s just a fat behind pig please lay off the fast food or whatever yall be eating thanks for your time
concern fan
[“Please lay off the fast food or whatever y’all be eating!” Oh, SNAP!]
* * * * *
Oct. 1, 2006
Dear raven,
i am your number one fan, my name is gaby [last name] and i am 11, will you plz plz plz email me back because i would pay over a million billion trillion pounds to see you so plz would you email me back? when is your birthday? i want to send you a present!
Oct. 1, 2006
hey ray its me again gaby! u number 1 fan! reply back en bbz lv ya hun oh snap, hey ricky jj triggy triggy trey boyz in motion lv u xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx
[Your future leaders, ladies and gentlemen!]
