(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)
It would appear that Raven-Symone’s fans are getting stupider. I know! I wouldn’t have thought it was possible either, but here we are. As has become my custom, I have put my favorite passages in bold type.
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE
Aug. 10, 2007:
hi raven im shakira 4rm texas i love you so much i feel like i can talk to u i like in a person. Also ppl have said u were having a baby is that true. luv shkira
[Does “4rm” mean “from”? It should mean “forearm.” “I’m Shakira, forearm Texas.” I don’t know what that would mean, though.]
* * * * *
Aug. 12, 2007:
hi my name is jadah. i’m not gonna go crazy and mad like other people. i have a feeling that gets kindof annoying. i am a big fan though. and i’m really glad i get the chance to talk to you. i got your email address on bebo so i thought i’d add you to my contacts. i think your real and even if your not i don’t see the point in listening to those haters. i’d love to have you as a friend so please add me to your contacts. i hope you do. and i’ll be glad to talk to you more and become good friends.
xxxJadahxxx
* * * * *
Aug. 13, 2007:
dear raven hi this is your cousin Arias and Taylor seeing if u can right again love u arias
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Aug. 17, 2007:
hi ma name is kevine am a girl and i realy admire u so much and i would love to be ur friend. i know u don’t no me i live in ug and i have never been in america or any other countrie except ma home countrie rwanda and i went for ma holidays in kenya only ma dad travels around the world because of his job. i will tell u ma secrets if u tell me u will be ma friend.
[My best guess is that “ug” means “Uganda.” Do they call it “Ug” for short? That’s kind of cute.]
* * * * *
Aug. 17, 2007:
hey mama i wanted to kno next year can u come to my birthday party in 2008 June 16 i am 10 years old goin to the 5th grade but next year i will be goin to 6th and turnin 11 just email me back and tell me if u can thanks if u can
* * * * *
Aug. 28, 2007:
hello raven!!
My name’s emilie, i’m 15 and, i just wanted to know you! i don’t know if you are the real raven! i’m not your fan, but something of you attract me, and i don’t know why!!! Just for you know (?), i’m french, soo…… i don’t speak very good your language, even if i’m the best pupil of my classroom! lol
LOVE YA!
[As usual, we find that Raven’s foreign correspondents speak English better than her American ones.]
* * * * *
Aug. 29, 2007:
hey,this is one of your fans our names are tanisha & moesha and moe want to say can u get us ticket to go to the cheetah licious concert please and a free limo. and tanisha i want to say i want to know how you do it with fashion cause i want to be a fashion designer and go back stage with passes please girl .p.s and i need your cell phone number to call so my mom can talk to you. oh snap girl i totally love your style. PLEASE WRITE BACK!
[This letter is full of failure. This is one of your fans; our names are Tanisha and Moesha. We want free, outrageously expensive things. We want to know how you “do it” with fashion. We need — not want, but need — your cell phone number. Someone needs to give these girls a good slappin’, and that someone is called Real Life.]
* * * * *Oct. 5, 2007:
Hi Raven. My name is Sahra and im a huge fan. Im 11 years old. I want to be a singer when i grow up because i have an amazing voice. I could even sing to you one day. Your really awesome and you are my true hero.Please if you think im that much of a pepperazzi person so dont worry.
YOUR AWESOME RAVEN.
LOVE FROM YOUR FAN:SAHRA
* * * * *
[This next letter is one of the most annoying yet. Not only was it sent in all-caps, but all the E’s were replaced with 3’s: “PL3AS3 CAN YOU R3AD TH3S3,” etc. I’ve put them back to E’s again for your convenience.]
Oct. 12, 2007:
TO RAVEN..X
MY NAME IS POLLYANNA [last name] NAND IM 13 YEARS OLD..
PLEASE CAN YOOU READ THESE SONGS I HAVE MADE UP THERE NOT FINSHED JUST YET BUT ASN YOOU WERE IN THE CHEETHA GIRLS I FORT YOOU COULD HELP ME WITH THESE!.. PLEASE THAT’S IF YOU DON’T MIND!
PLEASE CAN YOOU RITE BACK WHEN YOU HAVE SOME SPARE TIME! THANX!
BOY:
BOY I KNOW YOU’VE HURT BEFORE BUT I PROMISE YOU KNOW MORE..
DADDY’S LITLLE PRINCESS:
I NEED YOUR ARMS 2 COVER ME BUT NDO NOT SMOTHER ME..!
DADDY HES NO COMPARISON 2 YOOU DON’T MAKE ME CHOSE WHO I LOVE THE MOST I’LL FIND A WAY TO LOVE YOU BOTH.!
PLEASE RAVEN IN YOUR SPARE TIME CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THESE SONG THANX YOU EVER SO MUCH..!
ALL I WNNA BE WHEN I’M OLDER IS 2 BE A SINGER THAT’S ALL IVE DONE SINCE I WAS 3 YEARS OLD..
I SING AND BREATH MUSIC THAT IS MY PASSION..!
I’VE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD 2 PERSUE MY DREAMS BUT I FEEL THAT NO1 CARES ABOUT MY PASSION!!
IVE BEIN TOLD IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND YOULL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS MUSIC AND SINGING THEN YOU WERE BORN 2 BE A SINGER..!!!!!!!
THANX YOOU PLEASE E-MAIL ME BACK ….X
