FACT: Bill Murray doesn’t have an agent or a publicist. Filmmakers who want to offer him a part in a movie must call him — if they can track down the phone number — and leave a voice mail. He’ll go for weeks at a time without listening to those messages, and even when he does there’s no guarantee he’ll get back to you. Bill Murray is rich and eccentric. He can work as much (or as little) as he wants to.
We can only imagine what Bill Murray’s voice-mail box must sound like. In fact, we will imagine it right now…
BEEP!
Hey, Billy, it’s Dan. Just wanted to follow up on our arrangement. Like we planned, I’ve been telling everyone that “Ghostbusters 3” is in the works, and that I’ve already written the screenplay. It’s been great so far. The blogs keep talking about it; the fans keep getting their hopes up; the names Aykroyd, Murray, and Ramis stay in the public consciousness — all without any of us actually having to do a lick of work. Now you might start hearing that you’re the only one stopping us from getting it made. I hope you don’t mind that I went with that story. It seemed plausible. I mean, you know how you are. I was afraid they were starting to catch on that we have no intention of ever making the movie, so I told them you were being stubborn, just to buy some more time. Hope you’re cool with that. Anyway, take care. Oh, and watch out for UFOs, because aliens are real.
BEEP!
Shh! I think I got his voice mail! Um, hello? Hey — um — “Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion!” [snickering in the background] “Then I met the Dalai Lama. So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.” [background whispering] Shut up, you guys! OK! “Uh, correct me if I’m wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they’re gonna lock me up and throw away the key!” [more laughter, hangs up]
BEEP!
Hello, Bill, this is Bill Condon. You may recall we met at the Oscars a few years ago, when my film “Dreamgirls” was nominated. No nomination for best director, which was weird — what, it might be the best picture of the year but it directed itself?? — but anyway, that’s water under the bridge. The reason I’m calling is that, well, I’ve fallen on hard times, and now I’m directing the final two “Twilight” movies. I loved what you did in “Zombieland,” and I was wondering if you’d be open to the possibility of doing a similar cameo in “Breaking Dawn.” You’d play a vampire, or maybe just someone they think is a vampire. We’d play it for laughs, of course. Might bring in some viewers who wouldn’t normally see a “Twilight” movie. And I don’t know how many of your fans are teenage girls or sexually frustrated middle-aged women, but I bet you’d have a lot more of them after this! So give me a call if you’re interested.
BEEP!
Hey, Bill, it’s Jim Jarmusch calling. How have you been? It was so great working with you in “Coffee and Cigarettes,” and “Broken Flowers,” and of course your little cameo in “The Limits of Control.” Loved you in the Coppola girl’s “Lost in Translation,” too. But hey, listen, enough buttering you up. I’m wondering if you’d be interested in another one of those slower, thinky-er pieces. You’ve been doing a lot of funny stuff lately, which is great, don’t get me wrong. But I really feel like your strength is in staring forlornly into the middle distance and not saying anything, thus giving the impression that your character is wise, sad, and deep. This new thing I’m working on, it’s called “Catatonic,” and you’d be perfect for the lead. You’d play a guy who suffers a traumatic event and goes into a state of shock. That happens in the first 10 minutes. Then, for the rest of the movie, you just sit there with a blank look on your face. No other characters, just you, sitting there, catatonic. It’ll be great! What do you say?
BEEP!
Hello, Mr. Murray. This is Jim Davis calling. I wanted to be the first to tell you that “Garfield 3: The Kittening” has officially gotten the green light! You’ll be participating again, of course. I’m certain of it. Be a shame if these photos I have of you and the cocaine and the dead prostitutes went public. Be a real shame. We’ll be in touch.
— Film.com
