As regular readers will recall, this feature began after I was inexplicably pestered by Raven-Symone fans who wanted her e-mail address, despite there being no earthly reason to think I would have it. Weary of them, I finally registered a fake address — symone.raven@gmail.com — posted it here, and CLEARLY STATED it was not hers. I assumed people would ignore that disclaimer and write to it anyway, and how right I was.
But one unexpected side effect of publishing those letters here has been that now, when Raven-Symone’s stupid fans stumble across these blog entries, they’ve started writing messages to her and posting them as comments. That’s right: At the end of the blog entries mocking people who write fan letters that the celebrity will never, ever read, people are posting comments directed to that same person. Like the e-mail address was phony, but for sure this blog is the REAL way to get in touch with Raven-Symone.
(By the way, those comments get deleted by the moderators, not posted. That’s why you don’t see them, and why writing a fake “funny” one in the hopes of getting it posted won’t work.)
Anyway, here’s another big steamin’ batch of illiteracy.
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE
Feb. 16, 2006:
hey is this your email raven tell me in an email myemail is [e-mail] or at [other e-mail]
[What, 11-year-old girls need two different e-mail addresses?! Yeesh!]
* * * * *
Feb. 17, 2006:
HEY I GOT A CELL PHONE THIS IS EDEN AND I AM 11
[That’s the two-e-mail-addresses girl, by the way. Evidently she needs two e-mail addresses AND a cell phone. What is she, a stock broker?]
* * * * *
Feb. 19, 2006:
u made this e-mail just so ppl would read ur dumb blog. [laughing emoticon]
well..i guess u’d say i’m one of the smart one’s that actually read it. [smiling, winking emoticon]
[Oh, I don’t know if “smart” is the word I’d use….]
* * * * *
Feb. 20, 2006:
Hi Raven,
how are you doing I know I love your new show to day!!!!!! I love to play your game on Disney Channel.com – I love your show I watch Disney Channel. Can I share your e-mail with my friends please.
Your Friend,
Delanee
[I love that she’s asking permission to share an e-mail address that she herself got off the Internet. Like it’s OK for HER to have it, but she shouldn’t pass it along to anyone else.]
* * * * *
[Here is a poem. At least it looks like a poem.]
Feb. 22, 2006:
I Love you Raven
you are so pretty and beauitful
you are a sweetheat.
How are you.
what your favortie food to eat
what grade are you in.
[e-mail address]
Love
Asia [last name]
* * * * *
Feb. 23, 2006:
Question this is Raven, right? Not to be rude or anything, but you don’t know how many people claim to have your e-mail address…
[The nerve of some people!]
* * * * *
[At this point, the 11-year-old with two e-mail addresses and a cell phone forwarded Raven more than a dozen cutesy e-mail forwards (“Send this to everyone and have good luck!,” etc.) with adorable stories and whatnot. If this were really Raven’s e-mail addresses, this is probably about when she would start blocking the 11-year-old’s various e-mail addresses.]
* * * * *
Feb. 26, 2006:
Hey thanks for opening this..I bet u get alot of fan mail! Your such a good role modle to go off of..the show “Thats so Raven” Is so awsome! Your my idol!!!!!! and dose Raven in Thats So Raven is she kinda like you..Dose the show put on how u act and what ur personaity is?? Because i watch disney all the time!! I Bet being a Star is so much fun..Well i have 1 more question I know that ur busy but could u email me bak..and just email each other and talk?? that would be so kool! well if u cant i understand..
You Fan
Kimberly
* * * * *
March 1, 2006:
Hi raven this Dacia and you are my biggest fannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i want you to e-mail me at [e-mail address ] when you get some time
[I think Dacia misunderstands the expression “I am your biggest fan.” That, or Raven truly is a huge Dacia fan.]
* * * * *
[Please note: The following is the greatest fan letter ever written.]
March 4, 2006:
Dear Raven,
I’m talking to you right now…not as a fan, which I am of course, but as a friend. I’ve been watching your recent episodes of That’s So Raven and quite frankly, I’m concerned. You’re gaining A LOT of weight. You’re getting too enormous. You know, you being an actress and all…liposuction can be a good thing for you. Ummm…Can I ask you a question? When you pee, is your urine Crisco? And when you get a cut is your blood pizza grease? You say that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes… I don’t beleive that. So stop trying to make yourself feel better. Anyways…I love you so much Raven! I watch all the episodes of your show and I love your music. It’s not over until the fat lady sings
Love,
Katherine (AKA “cupcake”)
* * * * *
March 5, 2006:
Hey raven,
My name is Alexandra and you are someone I look up to.
I think you are so pretty and I’ve seen all your episodes,my favorite episode is… well I don’t know because I love all your episodes.
I am 9 and I have two sisters Jodie and Justine’ I am twins with Justine.I am 9 because my birthday was on Friday.
The reason I’m writing this letter to you is because I want to get to know you.
from Alexandra
P.S.Please keep in touch.
[My favorite episode is … well, I don’t know, because I love them all. Hmm. I guess I shouldn’t have started a sentence with “My favorite episode is.” If only there were a way to delete it and start over!]
* * * * *
March 6, 2006:
hi this is ashley [last name ].
i am one of ur biggest fans.
i watch your show all the time <3
if its not a bother canc u please im me bac
thanx bi bi !!!
* * * * *
March 8, 2006:
hi raven i just fount out that we ars cousins and you can call me at 1-612-[phone number ] and can you star in my new movie called men over enamy o yha my name is chris
* * * * *
March 9, 2006:
Raven Please E-mail me oh-snap!
* * * * *
[From her “cousin” again.]
March 9, 2006:
a raven can you at least email you cousin at [e-mail address ] we have to talk about something that people are saying about you.
[And again.]
March 11, 2006:
a raven this is your cousin here whats going on why never you emailed my whet we have to talk about somethin important about the movie that where doing you can call me at [phone number ]
* * * * *
March 13, 2006:
Dear Raven,
I’m sorry for making fun of your weight. I know I hurt your feelings and I feel horrible. I think you’re a great actress, wonderful singer, and beautiful person inside and out. I have my own insecurities and I was making fun of others. I am truly sorry and hope you can forget about what I said before.
Katherine
* * * * *
March 22, 2006:
My name is Jenn [last name]. I am a Second Grade teacher. Currently, we are working on writing letters. Some of my students are extremely inspired by you and would like to write you a letter. Is there an address that I can have them address an envelope to in order for them to send out their letters?
Thank you
Jenn [last name]
* * * * *
March 22, 2006:
HI I AM FRANCES GRACE [last name] I BETTRE MAKE THIS SHORT WELL CAN U EMAIL ME BACK IF THIS IS YOUR RIGHT EMAIL
[When I see a message in all-caps that says “I BETTER MAKE THIS SHORT,” I always assume the sender is being held captive and has only a few moments to dash out a panicked plea for help.]
* * * * *
March 24, 2006:
I have to say I would really love to meet raven she is my idol.If I meet her my life would be complete .I watch that’s so raven everyday. I love her ,I have her pictures all over my house.This isn’t even half of how I feel about her. I even call her my sister.When I am watching that’s so raven or raven period I do not want any interruptions unless it is raven her self .I know almost every thing about her.she is my idol.
[It is good to know that while this person does not want to be interrupted while watching “That’s So Raven,” she would make an exception if the interrupter were Raven herself. It would be awkward if Raven had to wait in the hallway until her show was over.]
* * * * *
March 24, 2006:
HI YOU DON`T KNOW ME BUT I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!
I CAN`T BELEIEVE I AM MEETING RAVEN!MY NAME IS KAYLEIGH [last name] AND I AM 9 YEARS OLD TEN IN JUNE.I WANTED TO TELL YOU YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!AND I MEAN IT.I LOVE DOGS THEY ARE MY FAVE ANIMALS IN THE WORLD EXEPT POODLES….THAT`S SO RAVEN IS MY FAVOURITE SHOW FOLLOWED BY DARCY`S WILD LIFE AND OTHER SHOWS.SO HOW OLD ARE YOU?DO YOU HAVE MSN? MAYBE WE CAN TALK SOME TIME.CAN YOU E-MAIL ME BACK SOON?
MY E-MAIL IS [e-mail]
bye P.S MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF!
* * * * *
