Some kids don’t understand the Internet. They see their favorite celebrity’s name mentioned in a movie review, and they think whoever wrote the review knows that celebrity personally. So they write to the reviewer and ask, “Do you have Raven-Symone’s e-mail address?”
This causes the reviewer to post a blog entry making fun of these people — which only makes the problem worse, because now when you Google “Raven-Symone e-mail address,” the reviewer’s site comes up even higher on the search results. This causes more dumb kids to write asking for Raven’s address.
This causes the reviewer to post ANOTHER blog entry, which of course exacerbates the problem even further, Google-wise.
Finally, the reviewer posts a blog entry saying, “Here is Raven-Symone’s e-mail address: symone.raven@gmail.com. By the way, that’s not really her address. I registered it myself; the e-mails come to me. I’m posting it to see if you idiots actually write to it, which I’m sure you will, because you probably are not reading this sentence.”
Post-finally, people reprint that e-mail address all over the Web (without the “it’s not real” disclaimer, of course), and “Raven” gets hundreds and hundreds of e-mails. They are reprinted for you here, with the best parts in bold type, as:
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE
Dec. 17, 2006:
RAVEN,
I think that the rumors are wrong but, they might be true. Also i think that you’re a good actress with good thoughts and may i add good style. But if these rumors about quitting your job are true I think that I should be the one to talk some sense into you. i think it would be a VERY foolish thing to do and im not going to sit back and watch it happen!!!!!! Im taking control of this situation now and don’t try to stop me because i am a woman with hormones that tell me you are making the wrong decision if you decide to quit think about what i said. Now my favorite topic of the day. ME. OKAY so i want to be a singer/actress i gave you advise now its your turn i live in charleston, south carolina and am in sixth grade and absolutely gorgeous trust me, i should know(all boys luv me) just to let you know. also i want you to put a good word in for me so when i come to hollywood i will be even more glamorous (if thats possible) Anyway back to you lets be friends sorry if i came off to strong but i for one am going to take stand in what i think is right (and trust me im always right) so think about it and e-mail me back
lylas
abi
ps my name is abi [last name] short for abigail [many middle names] [last name] k sorry about the long name
ps again um just so you know lylas means love you like a sis
peace out dawg
[For my money, that’s one of the best letters we’ve had so far. From the all-caps salutation — “RAVEN! LISTEN TO ME!!” — to the unsolicited personal advice that leads to a demand for reciprocation, to the fact that the writer refers to herself as a “woman” despite being in sixth grade … perfect. Just perfect.]
* * * * *
Dec. 24, 2006:
Dear raven can you let me walk the red carpet with you
arriyos
[This seems as good a time as any to mention that “walking the red carpet” has always sounded to me like a good euphemism for having your period. E.g., “Sorry, I can’t go swimming today, I’m walking the red carpet.” With that context in mind, Arriyos’ letter to Raven is even better.]
* * * * *
Dec. 30, 2006:
I recently read that you are not really Raven but I have a Question. Does Raven have a daughter by rapper Lil Wayne? Because coincidentally his daughter (Lil Wayne) looks like Raven and loves Raven so much. Her walls in her room are covered with pictures, posters, etc.. And on MTV cribs she announced that she (Lil Waynes Daughter) loved her so much. Email me back on this. I`m just curious.
[So we grasp that I’m not actually Raven-Symone; what we fail to grasp is that not only am I not her, I actually have nothing to do with her whatsoever. Still, I guess that’s progress.]
* * * * *
Dec. 31, 2006:
Dear Raven….
I’m going 2 make a new series on disney channel and
I want 2 ask some wisdoms
2 u because u’re a superstar
at all the effects…
How do u feel 2 be in TV and on Internet???
Alex [American or British last name]..a 10 year’s boy from Rome
* * * * *
Jan. 9, 2007:
raven have 2 say i love you in every way ive been a big fan since my sister started watching you i walk by andall of a sudden my mouth dropped i was like omg shes hott andmyfriend did truth or dare and somekid dared me to find your email so sorry but just had to say
[“I dare you to find Raven’s e-mail address”? That’s the lamest dare ever. In my day, kids’ dares involved nudity and/or urine! What ever happened to that?]
* * * * *
Jan. 17, 2007:
Dear Raven I am your biggest fan,but that is not why i am emailing you my problem is that I have no one to talk to.My Ex-friend played a mean joke on mean after p.e what should I do? please reply
Your Biggest Fan
[Innocent little letters like this make me wish I really were Raven-Symone, just so I could write back and be nice to someone who needed a boost. As illiterate, arrogant, or materialistic as some of these kids appear to be, sometimes I forget, in the mocking of them, that they’re KIDS, too. Early adolescents, mostly — and being an early adolescent SUCKS. If I am ever a beloved TV superstar with millions of young fans, I will personally respond to all of their e-mails, say kind things to them, and correct their spelling and grammar. That is my pledge to you, Young America!
P.S. to Young America: Stop being so stupid.]
* * * * *
Jan. 18, 2007:
a this is nakaisha lee i want u too know that i am your top number 1 fan. also i have sent you plenty of messages please write back.
p.s. ppppppllllllllleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
* * * * *
Jan. 19, 2007:
hay rae whats up im ur biggest fan and i love the cheetah girls 2 i actually have it its the best some people think your weird but i think ur beautiful and in shape email me some time later girl
* * * * *
Jan. 27, 2007:
hi are u really raven bc my friend can sing and shee could be famse and i think shoe could be a star.
* * * * *
Jan. 27, 2007:
Hi Raven Symone ,
Are you the real Raven Symone ? If so what is your phone number ? I won’t tell no one!!! So I love your style.That’s so Raven is an great show
Love …. Shaina
* * * * *
Jan. 27, 2007:
Hey,
Raven this is Rachel I’m a 9 year old but I can’t tell you my last name or my state but I wanted to ask you some questions maybe tonight at like 12:50 at [phone number with area code] pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It would be alot of fun.
[I can’t tell you my last name or state, but here’s my phone number. It’s good to know those lessons about Internet safety haven’t been falling on deaf ears.]
[Later that day:]
Jan. 27, 2007:
tHIS IS rACHEL AGAIN CAN YOU UM CALL ME AT 12:45 PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
* * * * *
Feb. 7, 2007:
Hi raven im caline [last name] im from jamaica ur 1 of my favorite fan.i want to be ur penpal and i to be ur’s.would u please u r already mine.yes or no . write back please my date of birth is DECEMBER 9,1992 and ur’s is DECEMBER 10,1985 an,t that true.i wish i could see u some day.have u been to jamaica before?if no, it’s very nice hear in jamaica.if yes ,were in jamaica have u been.is there a nice please.
* * * * *
Feb. 16, 2007:
hi this is shalmi i am doing a report about you can you giv me your lives like that happed and you mother’s name please send me a e-mail.
Bye shalmi
* * * * *
Feb. 26, 2007:
hey raven, my name is micahia. it sounds like mikya. i’m your biggest fan. someday i want to be just like you. your my favoritest actress in the world. hey can you email me back. and maybe can you let me on your shows. right? so maybe can you email me sayin that you would maybe let me on one of your shows. ok?
[Hi, my name is Grjajfkj, but it’s pronounced like Gjarjakjfl.]
* * * * *
March 2, 2007:
Hey wasup….im just a person asking for advise and hopefully we can be buddies.I have a question to ask.The way to a mans heart is through his belly right? Well im sure that you can cook and stuff but i was just wondering can it be the same for a woman?…..Im sure you have recipies you can share with me so i can become a good cook….or somewhat like one…lol. Anyways what got me is becuse of the show i remember seeing when you were on the Rachel Ray show…you made ome stuff i thought couldnt make…lol. And i kinda mixed it up and made my version but its cool right?…i was thinking about acting but, animation is my flavor. my talents are in drawing…that all i do….can you draw?Anyways im sure you have a boatload of things to do but if you ever have the chance to write back, please do…i would like to hear from your response.
* * * * *
March 12, 2007:
Dear Raven I think you are really cool . The best episode is when you gave your boyfriend the big card on Valentines day .My name is Kiz-Juan I live in Kansas city Mo. I think you are a very pretty girl so does my dad. Davin is very hot. I am a 9 year old girl I know that your birthday is December 10 my sister and my best friend’s birthday is the same day as yours. I really want to be on your show. I would love to hear back from you!!!! Thank You!!! Your number 1 fan!!! I am attaching a picture of me.
* * * * *
March 13, 2007:
hi raven im your number one fan and i love your show.Do you have a dog i would love to see pictures of it sometime well got to go bye
* * * * *
March 14, 2007:
why can’t u Email me,don’t u have the time please find a bit of time for me.if it’s just one time u do this i’m one ur biggest fan&i’m from jamaica & i’m fifteen year old i want to be like u ,u & my mom r my role model.please ray email me my name is caline.my email address is [address] .by ,by.
* * * * *
March 17, 2007:
Hola Raven whats up my name is fanta and im your biggest fan ive been dieing to ask you that who was your first crush
[Seriously, people. This business with the hilarious names you’re giving your children? It has to stop.]
* * * * *
March 24, 2007:
Hello!
My daughter will be turning 13 in June and I wanted to know, with all due respect, if you could call my daughter just to say hello or make a very short appearance at her party, in Atlanta. My daughter, Courtnee, is an avid fan of yours and because she gets STRAIGHT A’S on her report card, I feel she deserves anything she asks for! I would greatly appreciate it for anything you can come up with.
Thanks in advance!
Tracy [last name]
[phone number]
[“And since I’m only 30 myself, I belong to a generation that feels like it’s entitled to everything!”]
* * * * *
March 29, 2007:
Hey Raven, How are you, this is your #1 fan Cece, I just want to let you know that I have a gmail address now so send me a email, so that we can talk and become friends, That’s is if you want to be my friend because I sure do want to be yours. Love,Cece PS: my number is [phone number], call me sometime, and when you get this email, write back
* * * * *
April 2, 2007:
hey raven im sabreah im 10 years old and im one of ur fans and i really love u i know alot about u my mother love u. it would help me if u can chat with me and make my dream come true peace
* * * * *
April 3, 2007:
Dear Raven.
Hi,my name is Cezard [last name],i’m 16 years old,i’m a man,seen 2002 i found your series, i make you my favorite movie star.I love the way you are funny.the only thing that i would like is to be your friend cause seen my kidnaping in my country in 2006,i left my country to florida,my parents had pay a lot of money like ransom so now we are broke we live with a cousin i got a lot of problem so please do me this favor let me be your friends cause you will help me to forget this affraid date.please send me a letter in this adresse.([complete Florida address]) please ray please you can understand my situation please thik about it and then let your heart answer this letter .
[Ah, what a sweet little — wait, what?]
* * * * *
April 7, 2007:
hello they raven I want much to you! you are a fantasy for my I am a great one fan yours my email is: [address] I am of Spain i and seen your video of the cheetah girls a good pile of times good bye
[As usual, we find that Raven’s foreign fans speak English approximately as well as her American ones do. In other news, “a good pile of times” is my new favorite figure of speech. “The Denny’s in Provo? Oh, sure, I’ve been there a good pile of times.”]
* * * * *
April 9, 2007:
hey raven
is this realy you? coz if it is im like one of your bigest fans i watch thats so raven all the tme and crack up on it an you are so sexy can you send me some pictures of you please please please? write back please and can you give me the emails of other celebs especialy vanesa hudgens if you have it. so please please please write back
your number one fan
luchy
* * * * *
April 11, 2007:
hey rae! howz u? i hope u dnt mind i got ur addy off bebo. jus wntd 2 let u no i luv that’s so raven n cant believ u were in the cosby show (1 ov my fave shows wen i woz little) plz reply back if u can. n could u tel me how i can get a personalised autograph 4rm u?
luv ya
fms oxoxox
[Despite its appearance, this message was sent via e-mail, not text message.]
* * * * *
May 9, 2007:
hi my name is chrisy what is yours , i want to be friends with u
* * * * *
May 11, 2007:
hello, this is ur #1 fan shakina iwant u 2 e-mail because i want to ask u alot of questions
* * * * *
May 12, 2007:
Hi raven you are one of my biggest fans will not one but top fan your awesome to i like your show raven alot will im having a birthday coming up and i would like u to come to my party but contact me for more info my number is [phone number] my email adress is [address] contact me when u get it please contact me please i love u will thats just a sense of humor will call around 5:00 any day or any time please please please please please and tell me more about u thank u and bye oh yea give me your number and a code so i can call u and i promise i wont give any of my friends your number please though. P.S. do u know anyone named [full name] she said she knew you but i did not belive here will tell hanana montana i said hi and everyone else u no and give hanana my phone number thank you and please contact me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
