(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)
How have I allowed four months to pass since our last installment? It is shameful of me. That is why, even in the midst of all the more pressing tasks (i.e., the ones that pay $$$$) that I have before me, I have taken the time to compile another batch of hilarious e-mails. As always, my favorite parts are in bold type. Enjoy!
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE
Oct. 14, 2007:
HEY RAVEN MY NAME IS GORET AM 13 YEARS OLD AND U ARE MI ROLE MODEL.
I LOVE YOUR WORK AND I JUST THINK U ARE AMAZING.
AND AM NOT LIKE THE OTHER FANS THAT GO OVER THE
BOARD TO TRY AND GET YOUR INFORMATION.
I WILL REALLY LOVE TO MEET U ONE DAY IN
PERSON.AM COMING TO GEORGIA NEXT SUMMER TO VISIT MY COUSINS AND I HOPE TO HEAR MORE FROM YOU.
PLEASE CAN U ADD ME AT BEBO…THNX.U CAN REACH ME AT [e-mail address].pleaseee add me.
and remmember biggest fannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
[That last part, with the elongated “fan,” is creepy.]
* * * * *
Oct. 24, 2007:
Yea your not really Raven.
Stop pretending.
[This comes from someone associated with Raven-Symone.org, the preeminent Raven fan site. His e-mail, though brief, manages to contain two errors (“yeah” and “you’re”), and also to introduce a conundrum. To wit: The only way he can know for certain that symone.raven@gmail.com doesn’t go to the real Raven is if he’s visited my website — in which case he also knows that I have never, for one second, pretended to be Raven. In fact, I have always quite openly declared that I have nothing to do with her. But if he has not visited my website, then how does he know symone.raven@gmail.com isn’t really her e-mail address?]
* * * * *
Oct. 29, 2007:
i luve yuo i cant whate to meet you my sister said that you are so unkruonk how dod you be come a movie stare
[“My sister said that you are so unkruonk”? What the aitch? I think he means “unkrunk,” as in, “not krunk,” with “krunk” being used in the sense of “hip, fashionable, cool.” In other words, his sister had the audacity to say that Raven was not krunk, and our correspondent saw fit to mention the diss to Raven. Note that he does not explicitly state that he disagrees with his sister. It’s kind of stupid e-mail, if you really think about it.]
* * * * *
Nov. 4, 2007:
[From “Taylor,” which could be male or female.]
Hi if this is Raven symone I just wanted to say you are a kind and beautiful woman. I am not gay or a stalker trust me.
See ya
[Sure. That’s what all the gay stalkers say.]
* * * * *
Nov. 6, 2007:
Hi raven I got your email from the site where you write letters to you. My name is AShaya I sent you a letter so i may sound familiar.Im 9 yrs old. I know your probably not going to get this email because your probably emailing a whole lot of other people so i won’t bother you much. Email me back soon though!!:]
AShaya
[Does she mean THIS site? The site where I post letters that people write to Raven, and then make fun of those letters and state repeatedly that the e-mail address does NOT go to Raven? She can’t possibly mean that, right? She must mean some other site, a site where people really do write to Raven and Raven really does reply to them.
Anyway, note her promise not to bother Raven too much, and then note how quickly she breaks that promise.]
Nov. 10, 2007:
Hi raven i know u probably have some more emails to check because you have not been replying to mines and that’s okay my mom said you might be some one who be facking raven symone i don’t know who to beleive but if i get a message from you i might be able to be on your side anyway email me back!
ashaya
[Let’s assume she meant “faking.”]
Nov. 12, 2007:
THAT IS THE LAST STRAW I’VE BEEN EMAILING YOU FOR THE LAST 4 DAYS SO YOU KNOW WHAT RAVEN IM SO TAKING YOU OFF MY CONTACTS AND IM SO GONNA STOP WATCHING YOUR SHOWS AND ALSO THE CORY SMOKING SHOW WAS A BIG RIP OFF AND IT STINKED!! SO BYE BYE RAVEN AND ALSO I THINK YOUR FAT!!
[Oh, AShaya. Ye of little faith.]
* * * * *
Nov. 8, 2007:
hi i dont want to give away my name if this is not you really. where do you live what state i love you and thats so raven are you and the 3 other cheetah girls still together it dosent seem like they like you anymore you are so pretty write back if this is you please be you and i will keep talking to you i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu your the best do you now emily osments email and miley cyrus bye ps write back
[You might assume that this e-mail, like so many others Raven gets, is the work of a functionally retarded child. But I believe it is the work of a very astute impersonator of James Joyce.]
* * * * *
Dec. 8, 2007:
Hello Raven sis,
Wishing you a very Happy birthday. I am your biggest teen fan. I am 15 yrs old girl from India. I love your superhit show ‘That’s so Raven”. I love your that episode “Call victor”. I have also seen your movies Cheetah girls 1 & 2 ; Dr. Diolittle. . You are very pretty and funny. I love your dialogue “I am fine”. You are my role model as I have inspired for acting from you and want to work with you. I love to copy you when I watch your show and doing other work.
Its my first mail to you and want your some latest photographs. Please reply me.
Your loving fan,
[full name] or little Raven
[It’s not even worth mentioning anymore that Raven’s foreign fans have a better grasp of English than her American ones do.]
Dec. 24, 2007:
Hey Raven sis,
Wishing you a very merry christmas. Its my first mail to you and the first was on your birthday. I am your old teen fan from India (Delhi). I love your special show of christmas in ‘That’s so Raven’.
I also want to congrats you and want to give best wishes for your coming movie “Road Trip to college”. I have seen its trailers which is very good and hoping that your this movie will also be superhit.
I requested you to send me some of your katsest photographs and I am waiting for that.Please reply me.
Your fan,
[name]
Dec. 31, 2007:
Hello Raven sis,
Wishing you a very Happy New Year. This is your fan from India (Delhi). Hoping that your this year will bring more happiness and prosperity in your life.
And I again want to wish you for your coming movie “College Road Trip”. Please reply me.
* * * * *
Dec. 27, 2007:
HEY RAVEN THIS IS A BIG FAN JUST SAYING HI AND I LOVE AYH U ARE AWSOME IM EBONY TOO SO YEA
* * * * *
Jan. 1, 2008:
I LOVE YOU RAVEN AND I NED U TO ADD ME IIGHT [“IIGHT” = “alright”] IS ….. [e-mail address] IIGHT I NEED U TO ADD ME ITS REALLY INPORTANT BECAUSE IM GOING THOUGH THE SOME THIG UR GOING THOUGH (in thats so raven) yhaa i can see the future and i need some help and i really cant tell my mom and it happend about a month and i just cant trust anyone and this is comming from ur biggest fan I LOVE U Raven —— Love Fatouma
[If I understand this correctly, Fatouma believes she has the ability to see the future, just like Raven’s fictional character does on “That’s So Raven.” This reminds me a lot of the time I thought I could stick to walls, and so I e-mailed Tobey Maguire.]
* * * * *
Jan. 7, 2008:
hi raven symone its renee g i love ur moie raven thats so i watch evrey one even if i have seen it bye chat later i love ya bye p.s i act like u to
[I believe “moie” means “movie,” and that “raven thats so” means “That’s So Raven.” Which, one, is a TV show and not a movie, and two, is called “That’s So Raven” and not “raven thats so.” Maybe that’s how it’s cataloged at the Library of Congress: “Raven, That’s So.”]
