TO: pookyface739
FROM: soapluvver811
Dear eBay trader pookyface739,
I recently purchased a DVD box set from you, “All My Children: The Complete Series,” containing 9,014 episodes on 1,803 discs. The shipment arrived in a timely fashion; however, upon opening the package, I was disheartened to discover that instead of the “AMC:TCS” set, the box contained a sandwich, by all appearances a turkey club, uneaten and, given the rigors of shipping it had endured, well-preserved.
Nonetheless, edible or not, the sandwich was not what I paid for. I believe there must have been a mistake at your end of things. If you would kindly send the DVD set, I would appreciate it. I would be happy to return the sandwich to you at my own expense.
Sincerely,
George Kretzler
“soapluvver811”
• • •
TO: soapluvver811
FROM: pookyface739
HEY SORRY NO REFUNDS CHEK LISTNG ALL SAILS FINALE SORY U WERNT HAPPY SANDWHICH SHOUD BE GOOD.
POOKY
• • •
TO: pookyface739
FROM: soapluvver811
Dear Sir,
I am in receipt of your reply, for which I thank you, but I believe you may have misunderstood the intention of my correspondence. I am not asking for the $18,454 I paid for the “AMC:TCS” set to be refunded to me. I merely request — insist, in fact — that the item I bought be sent. I did not purchase a sandwich from you; the sandwich’s quality is irrelevant. Even if it were the tastiest sandwich ever made, it still would not be what I ordered (nor would it be worth $18,454 plus shipping, unless it were a mighty fine sandwich indeed, but that is beside the point). I purchased the “AMC:TCS” set, and that is what I want to have sent to me, right away, if you please.
Sincerely,
George
• • •
TO: soapluvver811
FROM: pookyface739
HEY EBAY LISTING SAID TURKEY CLUB SANDWHICH THAT IS WHAT U BOT SORY IF SANDWHICH WASNT GOOD NO REFUNDS ALL SAILS FINALE
• • •
TO: pookyface739
FROM: soapluvver811
Sir,
I’m looking at your eBay listing right now, and it reads: “DVD SET: ‘ALL MY CHILDREN: THE COMPLETE SERIES,’ all 9,014 episodes on 1,803 discs, brand-new, unopened!” There is also a picture of the set, which occupies a space of about 27 cubic feet, by the looks of it. Standing next to the set in the picture is a person I presume to be you, holding up a sign that reads, “If you win this auction, this is the exact set I will send you!,” with an arrow pointing to the DVDs. The inclusion of a turkey club sandwich in the transaction is neither stated nor implied, and in fact is precluded by your hand-lettered sign, which I assume someone else hand-lettered for you.
I must insist with the utmost severity that you send me the correct item or refund my money at once.
George
• • •
TO: soapluvver811
FROM: pookyface739
HEY GJKDLS OWOIE JSOV MAJSJS EBAY DJJDJSJ OEUFOV OS VOSOM MELWO SANDWHICH OWOEOEJ SODOJS SO QQQ OAOA OA ;;;;;;;;;;;;;
• • •
TO: pookyface739
FROM: soapluvver811
Sir,
Now I believe you are being intractable merely for the sake of it. I believe you are fully aware of your mistake and are trifling with me only because you find it amusing. Well, sir, I am not amused. I am $18,454 and 9,014 episodes of “All My Children” poorer, thank you, and I shall not endure this sort of tomfoolery where my money or DVDs is or are concerned. If you do not send a rational reply within 24 hours, I shall report you to eBay and leave you negative feedback.
George
• • •
TO: soapluvver811
FROM: pookyface739
HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MACARENA
• • •
TO: pookyface739
FROM: soapluvver811
Well. I am baffled, frankly. You clearly do not take the situation seriously, and that is fine. I have reported you to eBay, and I have retained the services of a lawyer. I shall see you in court.
George
• • •
TO: George Kretzler
FROM: Law offices of Morton Hilltop
HEY WE FILLED SUITE AGINST DVD GUY FOR U, HIS LAWWER IS TOTALL DUMBAS, WE’LL TOTALY WIN SUITE, JUDGE IS AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
Almost exactly two years ago, I wrote a column in which I recounted a one-hundred-percent true exchange I'd had with a dodgy eBay trader. The real story was amusing, I thought, but it occurred to me that with some tweaking, it could be launched to new heights of absurdity and possibly even hilarity. So I came up with the story here, wrote it up, was very happy with it, then sort of forgot about it until recently, when I discovered it amid some other lost documents on my computer.
"All My Children" had aired 9,014 episodes through Jan. 5, 2005, which was the show's 35th anniversary and seemed like a good breaking-off point for compiling the imaginary DVD set. I arrived at 1,803 as the number of discs by figuring five hour-long episodes per disc. Of course, the show was only a half-hour for its first seven years, which would allow for more episodes per disc, which would reduce the total number of discs necessary, but now we're just being silly.
