Following is The Daily Herald’s at-a-glance roundup of today’s front page stories relating to the 2002 Winter Olympics.
OLYMPICS = DEATH: With less than a year to go before the 2002 Winter Olympics, state officials are recommending Utah residents get out now, while they still can. “There is no way the freeway construction will ever be finished in time,” said a spokesman from Gov. Leavitt’s office. “All these people pouring in at once, inundating the state, and some of them wanting to drink beer — it’s going to be awful. Thousands will certainly be killed. For the love of all that’s holy, flee for your lives now. NOW!!”
OLYMPIC ATHLETES DOING OLYMPIC THINGS: A timed trial held Monday in a sport no one cares about — indeed, a sport no one even considered a sport until the Olympics decided it was one — resulted in several athletes breaking records, while other athletes did not break any records. Some of those athletes will become Olympians, and after March 2002, you will never hear of them again.
OUT TO LUNCH, OLYMPIC-STYLE: SLOC President Mitt Romney announced today that he would have lunch at Chili’s. It was anticipated he would have the baby-back ribs, though the possibility of a taco salad was not ruled out.
OLYMPICS AND RELIGION: The LDS Church has denied attempting to turn the 2002 Olympics into “The Mormon Olympics.” “We prefer to call them ‘The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Olympics,'” said a church spokesman, noting that the “The” should be capitalized.
PLEASE DON’T TALK ANY MORE ABOUT THE @#*$ OLYMPICS: Several Olympic-related stories in yesterday’s Daily Olympic Herald went unread, presumably due to lack of interest. To increase reader interest in what is surely the most important event in the history of the frickin’ universe, the Herald will print twice as many Olympic stories in tomorrow’s paper.
PARKING, OLYMPIC-STYLE: The city of Provo is urging residents to fly flags during the Olympics. “We want the world to feel welcome here,” said Mayor Lewis Billings. “We don’t know where the world is going to park, but they’re certainly welcome once they get here.” As an afterthought, he said, “Maybe the world should just walk. I mean, traffic is bad enough in this town without throwing a bunch of foreigners into the mix.”
AN OLYMPIC PERSPECTIVE: A large chunk of the moon broke off today and subsequently crashed in Africa, killing millions and sinking most of the continent into the sea. Olympic officials promised, however, that the 2002 Winter Olympic will continue as scheduled. “When was the last time Africa hosted the Olympics, anyway?” a spokesman said. “I mean, really. Let’s put this thing in perspective.”
OLYMPICS, OLYMPICS, OLYMPICS, OLYMPICS, OLYMPICS: The Olympics Olympicked today, resulting in Olympic Olympics. “Olympics Olympics Olympics,” said an Olympic. “Olympics Olympics Olympics.” The Olympic was expected to Olympic.
ACADEMY OLYMPICS: More than 800 million people worldwide viewed at least part of the 73rd Annual Academy Awards on Sunday. Tragically, none of the films nominated were about the Olympics, making the whole thing irrelevant. In other news, someone mentioned the 2002 Winter Olympics on Sunday. Story and photos are on page A1.
(Legal disclaimer that shouldn’t even be necessary but trust me, it is: All quotes in this article are fictitious.)