Snide Remarks
Junk in the Trunk
I recently came into an unexpected bit of unearned money, and it was such a fortuitous event that I thought: I'm going to spend this money on my colon.
A Brief History of ‘Snide Remarks,’ by Noted Mythologist Joseph Campbell
The oldest "Snide Remarks" column known to man, dated about 30,000 B.C., was found scratched on a cave wall in France in 1910. It reads in part:
Me love wheel. Wheel is great invention. But what is deal with wheel going slow on fast path? If you on fast path, you go fast! Me hate slow wheelers.
Stirring the Pot
For a while I was going to a Portland coffeehouse called The Fresh Pot, not to drink coffee, nor to obtain pot -- I think the "pot" in the name actually refers to what the coffee comes in (although it actually comes out of a large machine) -- but to eat muffins and drink hot chocolate and make with the clickety-clack on my laptop. I got to know several of the other regulars by sight, and there was one I wound up talking to who was so unusual I wrote a column about him. The column you are now reading is that very column.
Secret Combinations
When it comes to food, I'm a simple man with simple pleasures. It doesn't take a lot of fancy stuff to impress me. Give me a simple meal of Chateaubriand and souffled potatoes in a garlic sauce, accompanied by Chinese snow peas sauteed in an almond-paste reduction, and I'm reasonably content, though I might send the steak back a couple times.
I Just Need My Space
I'm glad I've finally succumbed to peer pressure and established a MySpace page. Being part of the MySpace community has really helped me see what a sad loser I am.
(His)panic Attacks
The question on everyone's mind lately is: What are we going to do with all our Mexicans?
Well, not all of them, of course. The ones who are still in Mexico are fine. And the ones who are in the United States legally, we don't technically have any problem with them (though we're keeping an eye on them just in case). But there is currently a great deal of debate over the illegal immigrants in this country, 70 percent of whom are from Mexico. What, if anything, should be done to stop the flow of immigration? And what about the ones who are already here?
Murder Most Fowl
I know what you're thinking. Is that rooster a danger to itself or others? Should I cuddle with my deadly pet snake? Will befriending a goose help me beat cancer? These questions and more will be answered in this edition of "Earth's Crazy Animals, and Why We Should Eat Them All."
The Bauers (or 24: The Sitcom)
(Theme song)
He's a guy who works for CTU, and he's always in control!
(That's Jack!)
She's a gal who works for DOD, and she may have been a mole!
(That's Audrey!)
They settled down and had a few kids of their own,
They're bringing homeland defense into the home,
They still take care of Kim, even though she's grown --
'Cause they're The Bauers!
JACK: (voice over) The following takes place before a live studio audience.
A Moving Experience
Why must people move? I don't mean "move" in the sense of being in motion. Obviously some movement is necessary in the course of one's daily activities. I mean "move" in the sense of packing your belongings into boxes and transporting them to a new dwelling place and making your friends help you do it. Actually, I guess it's really only the last part that distresses me. So let me rephrase my original question: Why must people make me do stuff?
Patelling It Like It Is
My name is Samir Patel. Last week I resigned from my job at the University of Missouri-Kansas City's student newspaper in the midst of a shameful and embarrassing scandal. I've been called a plagiarist in the media, and I suppose that is technically fair, in the sense that I have plagiarized a lot of things. But does that make me a "plagiarist"? Or simply "someone who has plagiarized"? Those are questions for philosophers, not humble college newspaper writers.
Saving Face
Being a man in my 30s, I decided it was time for me to start doing something about my face.
Previous attempts to deal with my face have produced mixed results. My first experience with waxing my eyebrows was positive; however, the second experience, which ended in an allergic reaction and grotesquely swollen features, was not. I have a weak chin, so sometimes I maintain a narrow beard-like growth on it. However, scruffy facial hair makes me look like 100 percent of the other men in Portland, and I fear people will think I have grown it simply to fit in.
Computer? I Hardly Knew Her
(The scene commences with a man calling his Internet service provider and reaching a voice-recognition computer.)
Thank you for calling Qwest. What's the number you're calling about?
503-247-9865.
Thanks. Was that: 503-247-9869?
No. 9865.
My mistake. What's the number you're calling about?
Ask Eric Stuff 23
When the first edition of "Ask Eric Stuff" appeared on March 21, 2001 -- five years ago tomorrow -- we had no idea it would become the most popular newspaper feature since the invention of the comic strip. Then, when it first appeared in its online-only format in June 2004, we had no idea it would become the most popular Internet feature since porn. Yet here it is, the most wildly successful entertainment feature in the history of mankind. Who could have predicted it?
An eBay Transaction Goes Awry
TO: pookyface739
FROM: soapluvver811
Dear eBay trader pookyface739,
I recently purchased a DVD box set from you, "All My Children: The Complete Series," containing 9,014 episodes on 1,803 discs. The shipment arrived in a timely fashion; however, upon opening the package, I was disheartened to discover that instead of the "AMC:TCS" set, the box contained a sandwich, by all appearances a turkey club, uneaten and, given the rigors of shipping it had endured, well-preserved.
The High Goss of Living
If you ever want to doubt the goodness of humanity, I recommend you pick up a gossip magazine and look at how cruelly we treat celebrities, our greatest natural resource.
Mrs. Movie Lady’s Oscar Picks
Francine Pickens here, aka Mrs. Movie Lady, the lady who "tells it like it is" at MrsMovieLady.com and on Topeka radio station KPZX-FM! It's Oscar season, which means it's time for me to make my patented Mrs. Movie Lady Oscar Predictions. If you follow my predictions and win your office pool, be sure to cut me in on your winnings! (Just kidding. I would never accept money earned from gambling.)
Jihad to Be You
As you know, there is no greater issue facing the world today than the matter of cartoons. Who draws them? Are the cartoons funny? Do they depict images of holy personages and thus prompt violent reprisals? Why does Garfield like lasagna so much? All of these questions are important.
Strangers on a Train
Just in time for Valentine's Day, I want to share this very special love connection that I witnessed on MAX, Portland's light rail public transportation system, several weeks ago.
Long, Dark Night of the Soul
It is time for another episode of "Eric Does Something Stupid Just Because He Thinks It Will Make for a Good Story."
Picture it: Portland. 2006. I was browsing the candy aisle when an elegant-looking wrapper caught my eye. It was a candy bar called "Hershey's Extra Dark Pure Dark Chocolate." Now, I was familiar with Special Dark, though it occurred to me that I'd never seen it in bar form, only as a miniature in those bags of tiny candy bars you pass out on Halloween. But this was full-sized, a little bigger than a regular Hershey bar, and it wasn't just Special Dark; it was EXTRA DARK and PURE DARK.
Ask Eric Stuff 22
What's that you say? If you don't see another installment of "Ask Eric Stuff," the frighteningly popular international feature where people ask Eric stuff and he answers them, you'll start throwing out bodies, one every 15 minutes until your demands are met? Well, this administration does not negotiate with terrorists! As it happens, we were going to do an "Ask Eric Stuff" column ANYWAY. So there.
Total Bumper, Man
You know what I've seen a lot of since moving to Portland, more than I saw in Salt Lake City? Hippies. Strip clubs. Homeless people under the age of 30. Minorities. But you know what else? Bumper stickers.
French Kiss-Off
I am a big fan of planning things. Telling TiVo to record a show as soon as it appears on the schedule, mapping out which films I'll see at Sundance, making an appointment with my gynecologist as soon as the six-month reminder card arrives -- this is like crack for me, my friends. Hot, buttered crack!
Chatrooms of the 1950s
iluvloosey: did u see lucy last nite???
rickynelsonfan3: omg
lvt2bvr: so funny
iluvloosey: "vita-meeta-vegamin!"
hounddog: rofl
iluvloosey: i was rofl
rickynelsonfan3: haha
lvt2bvr: pretty racey
paulstanka:ya
lvt2bvr: i didnt no they could show people being drunk on tv
To Air Is Human
Prior to the advent of modern air travel, if someone wanted to experience the sensation of flight he had to hurl himself from a great height and enjoy the feeling until he hit the ground and died. And yet this was still more enjoyable than flying on Southwest.
The Best of ‘Snide Remarks’: 2005
Another year is drawing to a close, as years tend to do, and I have compiled a list of highlights from the last 12 months of columns, as I tend to do. Enjoy this little stroll down memory lane, won't us?
I’ll Bemoan for Christmas
Christmastime is here! Or, in the words of "Christmastime Is Here" from "A Charlie Brown Christmas":
"Christmastime is here."
Lady, It’s Cold Inside
It's not often that I find myself leading a revolution of the oppressed working class. Usually I look at the oppressed working class and think: Meh. I'm not the one oppressing you. Quit whining and make my McNuggets.
God Rest Ye Southern Gentlemen
Do you like making fun of Alabama? Sure, we all do. That's why we have Alabama. That's why they kept it intact when they were making America. You know how there's one person in every group whom the others mock when he's not around? That's Alabama. His 49 friends secretly think he's a moron. (OK, not secretly.)
Beans and Cornbread
In the past, I have been very bad about getting to know my neighbors. It's not because I'm reclusive or timid, but because there's seldom any reason to interact with them. We Americans lead pretty independent lives nowadays. It's not like I need to run next door to ask old Mr. McGillicuddy to help me get the livestock inside when there's a twister a-comin', or to get my mule out of a ditch after a carting mishap. Even the proverbial cup of sugar is no longer passed between neighbors, what with the fact that no one bakes anymore, and that "sugar" could be a code word that undercover cops use for drugs.
Swanks for the Memories
Last week there was a special screening here in Portland for "Walk the Line," the new film that tells the story of country music legend Johnny Cash. Now, when I call Johnny Cash a "legend," I just mean that he was a big deal, not that he was legendary, like Paul Bunyan or something. I mean, he really existed. (Johnny Cash did, not Paul Bunyan.)
Ask Eric Stuff 21
It's that time of the month again! No, not THAT time. The other time! The time when it's time for "Ask Eric Stuff," the astoundingly popular worldwide phenomenon of a feature wherein people ask Eric stuff and he answers them. How can you get Eric to answer YOUR question? By going to this page and submitting one, silly face! It couldn't be easier! Well, in theory Eric could come to your house and you could ask him your question directly; that would be easier. But then he'd probably hang around and want to be fed and entertained. Trust us, this is better.
Nerd Auditions
When I heard "Jeopardy!" was holding a contestant search in my area, I knew my moment had finally arrived. Why, even ugly people can win big money on "Jeopardy!"! This is not true of other game shows, nor of contest-based reality shows. On those programs, having a dull personality or zero enthusiasm is a death sentence. On "Jeopardy!," it is a one-way ticket to Ken Jenningsville.
Nation of the Dead
My fellow Americans, it is with great humility that I address you today, Halloween, this holiest of holy holidays. It was almost exactly one year ago that I, Roger Hunsaker, was elected to be America's first zombie president.
Slightly Offspring
Sometimes we in the media become cynical about celebrities, what with their carefully crafted public images, and their teams of spokespersons, and their refusal to wear supportive undergarments at the Oscars. Sometimes we start to lose sight of the truth, which is that celebrities should be treasured as our most precious natural resource.
Not Without My TiVo!
My apartment is one of eight units in a little horseshoe-shaped complex that was built in 1940, which means this year it reached retirement age. Officially, the apartment is "quaint," in that it is made of brick and has hardwood floors and high ceilings. In practical terms, it is a lot like a 65-year-old person, in that it's always cold and has a peculiar odor.
Getting More Smarter
When I graduated from Brigham Young University in 1999, I swore I would never go back to school again, and not just because the university president had personally requested that I hurry up and get out. It's because I saw no reason to. I had a bachelor's degree in journalism, and there was no practical purpose in getting a master's. (Believe me, it wouldn't have helped.)
Whine, Thank You, and You?
It is time to indulge in one of our favorite pastimes, "Let's Make Fun of People Who Whine Too Much." Up first: a couple of New Mexicans.
The Price is Right — Or Is It?
Last Monday, "The Price is Right" began its 34th season. That is a long time for a game show to run! I've just begun my 32nd year, and I'm already exhausted.
The Fall of Television, Unless I Already Used That Title Once
Do you smell that? It's the scent of fall television! (It smells like Charlie Sheen.) All your favorite shows are back with brand-new episodes! Unless your favorite show was "Joan of Arcadia," in which case you'll be disappointed, not to mention a nerd. But the rest of us are excited!
Blame It on the Rain
President Bush's first response to Hurricane Katrina was the same as everyone else's: He ignored it. Hurricanes hit the Southern states all the time in the summer, knocking mobile homes off their foundations and wheel-less El Dorados off their cinderblocks. It's not newsworthy. In fact, it's usually funny.
Ask Eric Stuff 20
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The Young and the Viewerless
When I was a kid, I would sometimes spend a week or so in the summer at my grandparents' house, where my two maiden aunts also lived. Grandpa worked; one of the aunts slept all day; and my grandma and the other aunt watched soap operas from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., starting with "Ryan's Hope" and ending with "General Hospital."
Uncle Eric’s Grab Bag
This week, I'm gonna reach into Uncle Eric's Grab Bag and pull out a few leftover items that did not fit in previous columns because they were oddly shaped or just plain too fat.
The Blog Cabin
This week, I wanted to let all my readers know about an amazing historic find that has just come to my attention: "The Blog Cabin," a Web-log kept by President Abraham Lincoln during the latter days of his presidency. Read it and be amazed at the depth of information now available to us about our 16th president, written in his own words and posted to his own Blogger account! (Entries are in reverse chronological order, of course, so start at the bottom and work your way up.)
Note: A Republic
Today's column is about getting things notarized, and how it's dumb.
After I was issued my $431 speeding ticket mere seconds after arriving in Oregon in June, my friend Rob (who is a cop) suggested I fight the ticket through a process called trial by affidavit. This is where, rather than driving all the way back to the city where the incident occurred -- a journey that would surely result in my receiving another speeding ticket -- I write a letter to the judge and say the things I would say if I were actually in his courtroom. Rob even offered to write a letter to accompany mine, where he would enumerate the errors in the citing officer's procedure, explaining that if he, as a field-training officer, were to see one of his trainees write a ticket this carelessly, he would declare it unacceptable and shoot the trainee in the head, execution-style.
The Lease I Could Do
I finally found a place to live in Portland, but it took a while. It's so hard finding the right apartment. You find one that's a great price, but it's too small. Or it's the perfect size, but it's in the wrong part of town. Or it's in a great location, but it's built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Housesitting II: The Secret Life of Walter Kitty
Day 8: It was a beautiful day, and my afternoon was free, so I took Demi to a park where they have a fenced-off section just for dogs to run around, leash-free. I figured he could use some exercise, as well as some socialization with other dogs. Whenever we pass another dog on our nightly walks, he gets very, very excited, and I realized it's because he doesn't get to hang out with other dogs very often.
Diary of a Mad Housesitter
Day 1: I am housesitting for my friends Rob and Curtis, who are letting me stay rent-free in their suburban Hillsboro home for two months until I can move into my own apartment in Portland. They were very kind to suggest this arrangement, so I figured the least I could do is move here in time to housesit while they go to Europe for two weeks. Also, they did not give me a choice.
Wrong John Silver
I have some irrational fears, though probably no more than the average person. For example, I am so afraid of locking myself out of my house that I cannot lock the door on my way out unless I am actually touching my keys. It's not enough to know they're in pocket because I know I just put them there; I must actually be feeling them with my fingers at the time the door is closed.
Hooray for Hollawood
I love music. When life seems complicated and impossible, I like to turn on the radio. The top hits of the day always remind me that, no matter what troubles I may have, at least I ain't no holla back girl.
Portland, Poor Again
My first official act upon moving to Oregon was to get a speeding ticket. I made sure to do this almost as soon as I had crossed the border, to get it out of the way.
Ask Eric Stuff 19
Holla! And by that I mean "holler," and by that I don't know what I mean. I just heard the kids saying it. But it's time for another installment of Ask Eric Stuff!
Dodger? I Hardly Knew Her!
There was a time when all of America followed major league baseball avidly. Your average person watched the games, discussed the players, bemoaned the injuries, railed against trades, and knew the intricacies of the infield-fly rule. It was a simpler time, an era when baseball was our national pastime.
What Is Uncertainty?
At some point it became traditional for me to watch "Jeopardy!" every night with my roommate Greg and our friend Michael. In fact, it went beyond traditional and became mandatory. For me to watch it without them was considered treasonous, punishable by being sworn at.
The Rainbow Correction
Earlier this month, we had a spell of very odd weather in Salt Lake City. It would be sunny, and then it would rain, and then it would be sunny again, all in the course of a few hours. Traditionally in this part of the country, if it rains, it's gloomy all day. It's consistent and reliable, like a Swiss watch. (Not so much like a Swiss person, of course, as the Swiss are notoriously deceitful and untrustworthy.)
How to Hold Your Queen
It takes a lot of time and effort to make a movie, even a bad one. Take "The Pacifier," for example. This trainwreck starred Vin Diesel as a Navy SEAL who has to babysit a brood of mischievous children. The finished product is unspeakably bad, a repulsive and unfunny combination of poop jokes and jokes in which the punch line is that Vin Diesel is doing something un-Diesel-like, such as singing or changing a diaper or walking upright.
Northwest Side Story
When I move to Portland next month, I will have lived in Salt Lake City for almost exactly a year. Part of me wants to stay longer because I like it here, but part of me has decided I'm ready to move on. As is true of most men, my parts seldom agree on which is the best course of action.
Taking a Wrong Turn at Albuquerque
When I was about 4, my cousin Stephen and I were playing at my house when we got into some kind of mischief and were sent to my room. While we were waiting for my dad to come pronounce our punishment, Stephen and I put on some old clothes we found in the closet as a means of disguising ourselves, figuring my dad wouldn't recognize us when he came in and we could tell him Eric and Stephen had escaped through the window.
Good Copy, Bad Copy
The first commercial entertainment broadcast on television was "Uncle Jim's Question Bee," aired at 9:15 p.m. on July 1, 1941. The moment it hit the airwaves, television executives at other stations began thinking: How can we rip this off? Thirty minutes later, 78 other game shows were on the air.
Prestidigitation
When someone found a finger in the chili at Wendy's, the world was shocked. "Someone bought chili at Wendy's?" the world asked. "Really? Huh."
Election Day
By now you have heard the results of the recent voting: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is the new pope. He was chosen by an enclave of cardinals (the religious leaders, not the birds), who managed to elect him decisively in only two days. The annoying part was how Ryan Seacrest stalled for an entire hour before finally announcing it.
Art Failure
The Utah Symphony & Opera is in financial trouble, and though no one is pointing fingers, the fact is, it’s your fault.
Turn Your Head and Coffee
For as hectic as American life is supposed to be, we grownups sure spend a lot of time loitering. Look at what has happened to bookstores. All the major ones now have cafes and comfortable reading chairs, so that customers can lounge around like unemployed layabouts without having to actually, you know, buy anything. Which makes them not customers at all, really, but bums. They used to chase you out of places for using the merchandise without buying it, and now they encourage it. Barnes & Noble has become less a bookstore and more a homeless shelter for people with homes.
Ask Eric Stuff 18
Yo, dawgs, it's time for another edizzle of "Ask Eric Stuff," the totally crunk feature where people ask Eric stuff and he answers them, because that's how he rolls. If you want to ask questions, you can do it here, at this magic Web site. Now crack open a 40 and let's do this up proper, aight?
Doesn’t Ad Up
While I was an undergraduate pursuing a degree in journalism, many of my friends in the Communications Department were studying advertising. We had a few courses together, and then we separated, as the remainder of my classes were aimed at teaching us how to dig up the truth, while the advertising sequence focused more on lying. (Journalists don't learn lying until they reach the workplace.)
Rumspringa
Fact: Within the Amish culture, children in their mid-teens are permitted to leave the community and get a taste of non-Amish life -- as much of a taste as they want, for as long as they want -- before returning and committing themselves to a lifetime of good, clean Amish living. This visit to the outside world is called "rumspringa" (literally, "running around"), and Amish parents anxiously await their children's return from it, perhaps comforted somewhat in knowing they have raised them to have strong consciences and high morals.
Guilty Pleasures
The chief difference between the O.J. Simpson trial and the Michael Jackson trial is that we hoped O.J. was innocent. We liked the guy, and we didn’t want to think he had stabbed his wife and her acquaintance to death, even though we suspected he had.
The Guy Who Kept Being Everywhere
My friend Eddy had flown from New York, where he lives now, to Salt Lake City, where he used to live, and his parents were driving down from Idaho, where he grew up, to collect him for a week's vacation, though I don't know if that's word I would use to describe seven days spent in Idaho.
And a Grand Pa He Was, Too!
My grandfather, who died March 2 at the age of 84, was a small-framed man with short little legs, saggy britches, and a beer-made belly that extended over his belt. He had a great shock of white hair, which he never did lose, and a bushy white mustache lodged under his large-ish nose. He looked a bit like Maurice, Belle's crazy old father in "Beauty and the Beast."
Much Ado about Muffins
The Associated Press reported in January that a 2,000-ton pile of cow manure was on fire in Milford, Neb., and had been for three months. If you are like me, you are wondering why the AP waited until the poo had been ablaze for three months before reporting it. Anytime something weighing 4,000,000 pounds catches on fire, I want to know about it immediately! It's just another example of the liberal media failing to report the stories that really matter.
The Betty Incident
My alma mater, Brigham Young University, is famous for having a strict Honor Code. It pops up frequently in news stories, as when BYU is suspending its football players for "Honor Code violations," which means they were drinking and committing sexual felonies. You drink and commit sexual felonies, you're going to be in violation of the Honor Code, I don't care how you spin it.
Blood, Sports
I’m not much of a guy. I don’t say “dude,� I can’t build anything, I don’t know what “torque� is, and I’ve never measured anything in horsepower (except, one time, a horse). And so, as an outsider, I’m fascinated and often troubled by the behavior of my fellow men. What motivates them? What drives them? Why do they wear hats?
B.S. and the Bear
I often hear radio commercials for auto dealerships where we are told the proprietor has "gone crazy" and is slashing prices right and left, and we should hurry on down before he regains his senses. But to me, suggesting that car salesmen are mentally unstable is not a selling point. Sure, their insanity may be manifesting itself in low, low prices right now. But what if by the time I arrive their insanity has switched to the kind that involves high, high prices and killing people? What if they get tired of slashing prices and begin slashing throats? Where does that leave me? Dead and without a new car, that's where.
Vaelentine’s Day is for Lovres
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have broken up, and now it looks like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's marriage is on the rocks, too. Now, unless your name is among the four I just mentioned, nothing in that sentence should matter to you. It was a test. Did you pass?
Alone Again, Naturally
I want every movie to be good. I really do. I always walk into the theater with high hopes, even when all signs point to the likelihood of my hopes being dashed. For while I do get a certain pleasure from seeing bad movies, the same as I enjoy watching those "blooper" shows on TV -- it's fun to watch things go wrong, isn't it? -- I'd much rather see something good. And if it's not too much to ask, I'd like for it not to star any WB network cast members, OK?
Dancing with Herald
The 2005 Sundance Film Festival ended yesterday after 11 days of shmoozing, partying and occasionally watching movies in Park City. Many celebrities were on hand to celebrate the world of independent film and to enjoy Utah's rustic splendor, at least until their own movies were done screening, at which point they resumed hating middle America and fled back to L.A.
Weather? Or Not?
My friends who live in Las Vegas told me it was snowing there a few weeks ago. Snow in Las Vegas! Hell had literally frozen over. Do you realize how many things had to happen now? I was going to have to pay my BYU parking tickets, eat at Arby’s and set foot in Florida again.
Ask Eric Stuff 17
Hey look! It's time for another stimulating edition of "Ask Eric Stuff," the popular game from Europe where people ask Eric stuff and he answers them! As always, you may contribute your own questions to "Ask Eric Stuff" by going to this page and following the simple instructions, which have recently been translated into English from their original Latin.
Embrace the Bauer Within
How many times has this happened to you: You're sitting at home, doing nothing, completely bored -- and suddenly you're dragged into an international crisis that makes the next 24 hours of your life a non-stop roller-coaster of explosions and death! What's that you say? It's never happened to you? Then apparently your name isn't Jack Bauer!
The Whole Kitten Caboodle
On a recent Saturday afternoon I opened my door to exit my apartment so I could walk to the nearby arthouse theater and watch something foreign or lewd, when my roommate said something that caused me to stop and converse with him briefly. The door remained open as we spoke, and as we did, our home was invaded by kittens.
Mrs. Movie Lady’s Top 10
In my capacity as Mrs. Movie Lady, the lady who "tells it like it is" at MrsMovieLady.com and on Topeka radio station KPZX-FM, I see literally dozens of movies a year. And at the end of the year, I get to tell you which ones were the very best. So don't miss any of these classics! Many of them are now available on VHS.
Park Wars
Salt Lake City gave us a nice gift this year, with free parking downtown during the holiday shopping season. The parking meters were covered with festive green bags tied with red ribbons, with the bags bearing the words “Free Parkingâ€? and “Two Hour Limitâ€?â€â€a gift accompanied by an admonition, in other words. I pictured the city saying in a merry voice, “Free parking!â€? And then, narrowing its eyes and lowering its voice ominously, “Two-hour limit ...â€?
The Best of ‘Snide Remarks’: 2004
Ah, memories. As we draw to the close of another year (2004, specifically), let us saunter through the stacks of "Snide Remarks" columns that have graced the Internet since the column began its new life on March 8. Enjoy these highlights, won't you?
You Are Listening to Delilah
Welcome back to The Delilah Show. I hope you're enjoying the holiday season. Maybe you're rushing around getting some last-minute shopping done. Or maybe you're relaxing at home with the kids. Or maybe you're getting ready to have some friends over for an evening of caroling and binge eating. Whatever you're doing, I'm glad you're sharing it with us tonight.
The Curious Incident of the Moron in the Night-time
This is the story of how I made a bank deposit and consequently almost died.
Do You Hear What I Hear?
One downside to my new apartment is that I miss the neighbors I had when I lived in a condo. This isn't because I actually KNEW them, of course, being hermitical and frightened of people. Typically, my only association with neighbors is hearing the sounds they make through the walls, floors and ceilings we share. And the fact is, I liked the sounds my condo neighbors made more than I like the sounds my apartment neighbors make.
Tsk, the Season
We are now into December, which means whoever’s in charge of getting me in the Christmas spirit had better get crackin’!
Beaglely Blonde
We almost always had a dog in my family when I was growing up. The first one I remember was named Ticky-Tac (I believe I named him), and he was with us until my parents had to send him off to live with a family who had a bigger yard and higher fences so he wouldn't run away all the time. I believe this was code for "we had him killed." I got suspicious when they said Grandma had gone to live with the same family.
Must-Not-See TV
At first I thought all the uproar last week wasn't because ABC aired "Saving Private Ryan," but because it aired "Shaving Ryan's Privates." Then I realized I didn't really think that, and I just wanted to make that joke. Then I was deeply ashamed.
Whacrilegious
Today's topic: Are all Christians crazy? Short answer: No. (Long answer follows.)
Roger Hunsaker, Zombie President
My fellow Americans, I am honored to stand before you today as your newly elected president. I accept the concessions of President George W. Bush and Senator John Kerry. It was a hard-fought, divisive election, often marked by bloodshed, and I am proud to have emerged victorious and, for want of a better word, alive. I, Roger Hunsaker, vow to live up to the enormous expectations placed upon me as the first zombie president of the United States.
There Auto Be a Law
I’m not very good at budgeting money anyway, but I’m particularly bad when it comes to planning for the outrageous fees required to renew my car registration. I pay it one year, then immediately forget about it, the way trauma victims block out their experiences, and am caught off-guard the next year when the renewal notice comes. I’ll be going over my finances, determining whether I can afford to blow $100 at Old Navy, deciding that I not only can but SHOULD blow $100 at Old Navyâ€â€and then the notice will arrive in the mail, like an unwelcome houseguest or a bout with syphilis, showing up and ruining everything.
It Sox to be You
It is amazing to see humans persevere even in the face of insurmountable odds. You see it a lot during election years, when third-party candidates run for president without a hope of winning, without a hope of gaining more than even a few thousand votes, without a hope of even becoming footnotes in American history. You also saw it, for the past 85 years, when Red Sox fans would root for their team even though they knew they weren't going to win, simply because they were the Red Sox, and the Red Sox always choke like a fat kid in the ninth round of a pie-eating contest.
Ask Eric Stuff 16
Well, lookee here! It's time for another installment of "Ask Eric Stuff," the fantastically popular feature wherein -- follow me here -- people ask Eric stuff. He's Eric D. Snider, and he approves this column.
Greet Expectations
The English language is very efficient. Complex ideas can be expressed in so few words that detailed, explicit conversations are often unnecessary. For example, if your wife says, "Does this dress make me look fat?," you can convey the message of "Well, it's not a very flattering dress because it doesn't bring out your beautiful eyes or your gorgeous smile" simply by saying, "Yes."
Haven’t Got Time for the Payin’
I hate paying for parking. You give money to someone, and what do you get in return? Nothing. You hand the money over, park your car, and leave the scene, usually to go spend more money somewhere else. All you're paying for is the right to not drive your car for a while. Well, it's your car! You should be able to not drive it whenever you want.
Ten Little Idiots
When you think of Las Vegas, you think of garish lights, smoky casinos, and mid-priced whores. But Las Vegas is so much more than that. It is also unreasonable heat, big-haired trailer trash and over-hyped shows featuring fey, tiger-loving magicians, creepy French acrobats or men who are painted blue.
The Moore, the Merrier
(Note: This column is about Michael Moore's upcoming visit to Utah, which is a very volatile topic. I will attempt to discuss all of the pertinent issues in a rational and mature manner. However, I will probably also make a lot of fat jokes. I regret this in advance.)
Adicción: Flautas
My new addiction to bubblegum came as the result of my new addiction to flautas. So I've been pretty busy, obviously.
Eric and the City
Just like the character of Frasier moved to Seattle after "Cheers" ended and the character of Joey moved to L.A. after "Friends" ended, the character of me moved to Salt Lake City after my sitcom ended. The new show, "Eric and the City," finds me in a new apartment with a new roommate who is NOT a psychotic Argentine. Market research determined viewers found the old roommate, Raoul, too unsettling, so we've attempted to replace him with a normal person, or at least one who doesn't leave raw meat sitting uncovered in the refrigerator.
