Snide Remarks
X Mars Its Spots
If you have ever loved someone, you know that sometimes you have to be straight with that person and say, "Hey, person I love, I love you, but you're being a jackass." (If you have not ever loved someone, then take my word for it.)
Summer Good, Summer Not
All right, movie fans! Now that summer has melted away to the slightly less-hot season of September, it's time to recap all the summer blockbusters that Hollywood churned out and crammed down our collective throat this year like so much churned, crammed butter.
Lit Is for Kids
While at the library, I noticed a book called "Mr. Peabody's Apples," written by Madonna. At first I assumed it was a dirty book, since it was written by Madonna and since it was called "Mr. Peabody's Apples." But upon immediate and fervent perusal, I discovered it was a children's book, rather charmingly illustrated and telling a story about why you shouldn't gossip. I wanted to tell Madonna that if she wouldn't behave like such a freak, maybe people wouldn't gossip about her, but maybe she wasn't thinking of herself when she wrote it. Still, it seems odd that the main character was named Fladonna.
A Fair to Remember
Ah, the county fair! What's more American than a county fair, brimming with local color, down-home entertainment and unsettling odors? The county fair -- poor white-trash cousin to the state fair -- has been at the forefront of my mind recently as I found it necessary to visit five different ones within the space of nine days. Please note that I do not recommend this, no matter how much you like corndogs.
Ask Eric Stuff 15
Sweet Odin's raven! It's time for the 15th semi-annual bi-monthly edition of "Ask Eric Stuff," a weekly feature wherein people ask Eric stuff and he answers them, at least once every six months.
Movin’ On Up
I recently moved to Salt Lake City after living in Provo and Orem for nine years. You can imagine the thrill when my paperwork was approved, and I received my exit visa. It would be the start of a new life for me!
Pimp, Pimp, Hooray!
An Alaska man is on trial for his life because he allegedly watched the movie "Road Trip." Now, I'm sure you'll agree that while "Road Trip" was a bad movie, viewing it should not be a capital offense. So why the extreme reaction? Are the laws in Alaska so much more strict than they are in the United States? Not at all: The man was watching "Road Trip" while he was driving, and prosecutors say it's what caused the car accident that killed two people.
And Now, the Nudes
There's too much nudity in this country. (Public nudity, I mean. On private nudity, I have no opinion.) You can't turn on a football game (not that I would) without seeing a former pop star flashing her knockers at the world, and the movies are rife with female stars -- many of them underage! -- acting all hoochy and skankified. Maybe the Puritans got it right when, after a council of elders weighed the alternatives and examined the temptations being let loose on society, they made women illegal.
Goose Encounters of the Bird Kind
It was a windy, humid summer evening in July when I drove into my apartment complex and nearly struck a goose. I don't mean that metaphorically, as in, "Eugene's date was so offensive that when I caught a whiff of her, I nearly struck a goose." I mean there was an actual goose, wandering around the parking lot, all long-necked and stiff-legged, waddling like Charlie Chaplin in a diaper. (I don't mean the goose was in a diaper. I mean the goose waddled the way Charlie Chaplin would if he, Charlie Chaplin, were in a diaper.)
Working Without a Net
Thanks to further advancements in Qwest's ongoing commitment to incompetence, I was recently without DSL service for three days. Qwest's explanation for the disruption was, "we r dum we dont no how 2 do stuf cuz we are 2 stupd lololololol w00t!," followed by a fart noise. And that was after I asked to speak to a supervisor.
Apolitical Science
One of the problems with living in a democratic nation is that you are occasionally required to care about politics. In totalitarian regimes, you never have to think about it. The government does your voting for you, and as long as you don't actively oppose whoever wins, they don't murder you. Less time thinking about politics, more time to watch TV, that's what I say.
Signs, Co-signs and Tangents
The sign on the vending machine at the post office says, "Change is given in Susan B. Anthony dollars!," with the exclamation mark at the end. I don't know if the punctuation is meant as enthusiasm or as a warning. Do they mean, "Hey! Guess what?! Change is given in SUSAN B. ANTHONY DOLLARS!! Woo-hoo!!!"? Or do they mean, "BE CAREFUL: If you use this machine and require change, you're going to be stuck with Susan B. Anthony dollars. Just so you know"? (The point is moot anyway, because what the machine ACTUALLY gives you are Sacajawea dollars.)
U-Haul Come Back Now, Ya Hear?
This is the last column I will write from my beloved condo in Orem, Utah. Why? Because I am dying.
Wal Together Now
Wal-Mart is perceived as a place for white trash to shop, a low-cost, no-class, generic warehouse frequented by people with no sense of style, taste or hygiene. And yet Wal-Mart is ALSO perceived as a major threat to American society, a ruthless conglomerate that is destroying small businesses while taking over the world.
Things are Different Now, But They Didn’t Used to be
The old saying is, "You can't go home again." But why not? Did you offend someone? Did you break something? Personally, I am comforted to know that I CAN go home, even if all my parents have for me to sleep on is a futon, which means I'd be just as comfortable sleeping on the driveway. But hey, at least I'm home.
Ask Eric Stuff 14
What the--?! It's time for another installment of "Ask Eric Stuff," a regular feature that is so absurdly popular that the government asked us to stop doing it for a couple years. In this feature, people ask Eric questions, and he answers them as best as can be expected under the circumstances (the circumstances being that Eric is a snarky jerk). You, too, can submit questions to "Ask Eric Stuff" by going here.
Coming Soon
Since it's summer blockbuster season -- "the most wonderful time of the year," as the old summer blockbuster carol goes -- I thought I'd share with you some of my ideas for summer blockbuster movies. Please do not steal these ideas, or I will hunt you down, restrain you, reveal my diabolical plan for killing you, and then permit you to escape.
Señor Clean
The other day I cleaned the dickens out of my bathroom. The very dickens, I tell you! It wasn't especially untidy, as I do generally run a tight ship. But it was legitimately in need of a good scouring, top to bottom, and I was suddenly struck with a passion for doing it. However, this passion occurred at 3 a.m., just as I was preparing to go to bed.
Underpants of the Ancients
I was thinking about Helen of Troy, and then I began thinking about the underpants of Troy. This occurred when I was watching the movie "Troy," which is not about a guy named Troy, but about a city (or possibly a country) named Troy, which stole Greece's queen and then had to defend itself when Greece came looking for her. I always pictured Greece storming up in a wife-beater T-shirt, like Marlon Brando in "A Streetcar Named Desire," standing outside the walls of Troy yelling, "HELLLLL-ENNNN!," but this is not the way the movie portrays it.
Please, Sir, Can I Have Samoa?
Fat, fat, fat. That's all anyone talks about anymore. Americans are all fat, and they need to be less fat, and being fat will kill you, and blah blah blah fat fat fat. I get so tired of hearing about fat that it makes me want to get as fat as I possibly can, just out of spite, and also laziness.
Papa Was a Swollen Stone
Having waxed the excess portions of my eyebrows a year ago, I found it necessary recently to do so again. It's a slippery slope, eyebrow maintenance. You can't do it once and forget about it for the rest of your life. You have to tweeze and pluck and groom quite vigilantly, and still visit a trained professional on occasion for a tune-up. It's like joining a religion.
A Guy Old Time
As a column-writing, piano-playing, condo-owning man who doesn't enjoy sports or drive a truck or work at a slaughterhouse, it's not often that I get to do real GUY things. Most of my activities are genteel and sedentary, and seldom involve equipment any more complicated than a pillow. So when an opportunity arises to build, fix or destroy something, I seize it with manly gusto. Of course, even the seizing process often causes my back to go out, but this is the price you must pay for manliness. The Rock's back is probably out all the time.
Caesarean Salad
It is my understanding that childbirth is an extraordinarily painful process, which is no surprise, given that it consists of reaching inside a person and pulling another person out of her. I can't think of any 8-pound section of me that I would let you remove unless you first gave me enough drugs to kill me.
Oregon Transplant
The people of Portland, Ore., love their city. And why shouldn't they? It's a fine city, surrounded by beautiful trees for tree-huggers to hug, and rivers for river-huggers to hug (unless there is no such thing as a river-hugger, in which case the rivers are just for looking).
Doing Tiempo
I've had very poor luck with the tenants-slash-housemates I've lived with since buying a condo three years ago. One moved out in the dark of night without telling me; he left the key on the upper shelf of a cupboard to ensure I wouldn't find it and realize his departure for at least a few days; I never heard from him again. One disappeared altogether for two months, leaving behind his pet tarantula, a creature which can apparently survive without food for at least two months, since I sure as H. wasn't going near it. One otherwise well-bred fellow occasionally sat shirtless on the couch drinking beer from a bottle, as if our couch were located in a trailer park.
Eric Eric Eric Eric Eric Eric
I frequently must call my DSL provider to alert them to the fact that my DSL has stopped working. Typically, their plan is to keep me on hold for so long that by the time they answer me, the problem has fixed itself and I no longer have anything to say to them. But occasionally, a customer service representative accidentally picks up the phone when I have been on hold only a few minutes -- an error for which he or she is probably fired -- and after a brief confirmation of user info, this exchange occurs:
The Box Cutter Rebellion
Sometimes for fun I browse through eBay, the world's largest online garage sale, to see what odd things people are selling and what odd prices other people are willing to pay for them. One day I happened upon a couple of brand-new DVD sets going for cheap that I knew I could resell at a profit elsewhere. So I bought them, but upon receiving them discovered they were not in the condition described on the eBay listing. I e-mailed the seller, a girl whose first name was "Christal" (which should have been an immediate indication of trouble), and explained the situation:
Hung: Out to Dry
Voting Americans will soon be faced with an important and difficult decision, and of course I don't mean the presidential election, because that decision is easy: Don't vote for anyone who looks like an evil clown, which means John Kerry is OUT.
Tightening the Belt
In the latter half of 2003, my status as a gainfully employed citizen of this country became sporadic, which is to say I got fired. I won't rehash the details -- you show up to the office pantsless ONE TIME...! -- but I will say that I'm glad I'd been dumped in romantic situations before -- many times, often by the same person, occasionally through the use of strongly worded restraining orders -- because this prepared me for the experience of being fired.
Unemployment is Absolutely Fabulist
When Stephen Glass was fired from The New Republic in 1998 for fabricating elements of his news stories, I was struck with an amusing idea. What if someday he writes a book about his experiences? And what if I arrange it so that I, too, am fired from my journalism job for ethical violations, thus opening the door for self-referential shenanigans when I write a review of said book?
Darkness Falls
When the electricity went out last week in the eastern United States and parts of Canada, the world was stunned: Canada had electricity?!
Wimp Daddy
I'm not what you'd call a hardy individual, even if that were a word you used regularly. Physically, I am soft and spongy. If you were to grip my neck firmly and exert only a slight amount of pressure, you could snap my head off. I pay for a gym membership each month but refuse to exercise on the grounds that my money is already attending the gym and that should be enough. I cannot endure any degree of physical trauma beyond that of sneezing, and even that often leaves me winded and in need of consoling.
I Can See Queerly Now
When the Bravo cable channel announced its two new gay-themed shows -- "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and "Boy Meets Boy" -- network president Jeff Gaspin said, "Does this mean that Bravo is becoming a gay network? Absolutely not."
Battening down the Hatch
Sen. "Orrin"? Hatch has been on a kick lately to amend the Constitution. First he had one about making flag-burning illegal, which is a very pivotal issue because U.S. flags are being burned by protesters at an average rate of zero per day. Then he suggested we amend Article II of the Constitution, which currently says only a "natural born citizen"? can be president. Hatch feels this is out-dated and that foreign-born naturalized citizens ought to have a shot at it, too.
Trailer Park
A lot of people say one of their favorite things about going to the movies is seeing the previews, or "trailers." I'm not one of those people. I'm a movie critic: For me, about 80 percent of previews are simply harbingers of bad things to come. It's like being told in advance how awful your job is going to be in a month.
No Need to Get Crabby
We live in a dog-eat-dog world, a world where dogs are frequently seen eating other dogs, a world where, if you are a dog, there is always the chance you will find yourself being eaten -- by dogs, even.
Are We Not Men? We Are TiVo
I am not exaggerating when I report that TiVo is the most important invention in the history of mankind. The polio vaccine? Please. What did the polio vaccine ever do to help me watch reruns of "Benson"?
Cedar? I Hardly Knew Her!
Zounds and huzzah! The merrye olde Utah Shakespearean Festival is again upon us. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say: Forsooth! what doth yon bequiddle?
Spelling Counts
Were it not for all the delusional people we have to write about, newspapers would be 80 percent blank every day. (The remaining 20 percent would continue to be reserved for articles about Martha Stewart.) So today we will talk a little about some insane people, especially as they relate to witchcraft
He Had It Coming
Back in November, "Snide Remarks" reported on the then-current trend of men attempting to kill their wives. They were doing a sloppy job of it, though, as befitting a gender that has many times demonstrated its inability to plan ahead even in simple things like buying anniversary presents on time, let alone planning complex murder scenarios.
Persistence Can be Disarming
Though I often encounter people who make me wonder if there's any hope for mankind -- the pot-bellied man who entered the Daily Herald offices shirtless the other day, for example -- my overall feeling is that people are amazing creatures. And what amazes me most is our ability to get over stuff.
No Pirate Be I
The film industry is in the midst of a crisis. Namely, how can it wedge Vin Diesel into every movie it produces, even when Vin Diesel does not, to the casual observer, seem to fit? Would it be prudent to cram him into a romantic comedy opposite Kate Hudson, or a period piece co-starring Dame Judi Dench? These are the issues with which the film industry is currently grappling.
Reigning Like Julius Tweezer
I'm obsessed with tweezers now. I credit my friend Chad for this development, which began, as do so many obsessions, with an emergency trip to New York City, followed by a waxing.
Pet Peeves
As I lie awake at night trying to determine new things to worry about, one thing I keep coming back to is: Are we embarrassing our animals?
A Big Hit at the Box Office
So I was reading the paper, and I learned that Brigham Young University running back Fahu Tahi had been accused of punching a man in the face outside Movies 8 because the man's smart-aleck comments had ruined the movie for him. And I was very alarmed, not because a BYU football player had been arrested, because that happens all the time, but because since when is it against the law to punch a guy for talking during a movie? My understanding was that this is a punchable offense.
Diablo-in’ in the Wind
What’s in a name? When it comes to people, we know names can be key in determining how a person is perceived. For example, if your name is Reginald, people assume you are stuffy and formal, whereas the name Billy Bob indicates to observers that you are a hillbilly. (I mean, your name’s got “billy� right there in it.)
Mister Wind
The last place I ever thought I would find something useful or significant was a shopping mall. Malls are generally good only for maintaining our nation’s teenager-based economy, and for giving high school girls a chance to wear hootchie clothing in a parent-free environment, and for retail clerks to practice making you feel stupid by looking for the CD in the same place YOU just looked for it and it wasn’t there and that’s why you asked them about it in the first place and what do they think you are, an idiot? So you can imagine my surprise when I discovered Provo Towne Centre selling, of all things, my childhood.
UVSC Jokes: Do Not Ingest
I'm experiencing an ethical dilemma. It's a sensation altogether new to me. It sort of tingles.
The Need for Speed
There are two philosophies regarding speed limits. One holds that they are speed LIMITS -- that is, the absolute maximum you should drive, and you're probably better off going a little slower. The other holds that the first group needs to get out of the way.
Protest Too Much
Everyone thinks they know everything. Regular people think it matters what celebrities say, celebrities think they know more than President Bush, and President Bush thinks Qatar is a musical instrument.
A Little Good News
People complain that the media never reports "good news," but you have to admit, when we do cover it, we cover the heck out of it. We cover it until it is in danger of being suffocated and begs us to please stop covering it. And then we cover it some more, because we're twisted like that.
Under the Influence
There is a television set near my desk at work, and it is often tuned to MTV. This is because, in the features department, we need to keep abreast of the latest trends in music, youth culture and skankiness. Some might say extended viewing of this channel would affect one's behavior, but I think that's wack, yo.
Don’t You Hate Crimes?
I try not to get involved in state legislative issues. I agree with the old axiom that watching laws being made is like watching sausages being made: There's a foul smell, a lot of squealing, and the floor is covered in blood when it's over.
Fear and Loathing in Utah Valley
A few weeks ago, the Daily Herald asked as one of its poll questions what Utah should do about conserving water. One of the responses from a woman named Barb was that we should close our door to immigrants. It seemed like an odd solution to the problem, but I got the impression that's her solution to every problem.
Thinking Outside the Box
We thought the best way to celebrate Mom's birthday would be to terrify her, and perhaps even to kill her. We learned this, as we learn all useful things, from television, which teaches us that people enjoy being lied to, manipulated and deceived. Or maybe it is just that people enjoy WATCHING people being lied to, manipulated and deceived. Whatever it is, point of the story, lying to Mom was hysterical.
The Doughnut Situation
President Bush is deeply concerned about the nation's economy. You can tell because during his State of the Union address in January, he spent 45 minutes talking about why we should bomb Iraq -- because Saddam Hussein is evil, duh -- and 11 seconds talking about stimulating the U.S. economy, which he proposed we do by making Monopoly money legal tender.
Russian into Things
Just in time for Valentine's Day, I received a mail-order bride catalog in the mail.
Stuff Happens
(Author's note: The events described within this column are true. Please note that it is about dogs and therefore contains several references to, um, you know, the stuff dogs leave behind. In deference to our more sensitive readers, we will refer to this as "stuff." Please bear in mind it is also a verb.)
Shore Enough
When life presents you with opportunities, you have to take them, or else you're some kind of lily-livered pansy and we can't be friends anymore. For example, if you have the chance to lie to Pauly Shore, right to his face and in a sincere voice, you should do so. Otherwise, how can you say you have truly lived?
The Nayme Gaimme
If you're like me, you think it's funny that a lot of people have goofy names. If you're not like me, you're one of the people coming up with the goofy names. One of us needs to change his ways, and I think it's you, JuDee.
A Clone Again, Unnaturally
After years of wasting our time cloning sheep, rats and game show hosts, we have finally cloned a human being. What's shameful is not that it took so long, but that extra-terrestrials had to help us do it. What happened to American initiative and know-how?
Apathetic Display
As a man of great sensitivity and compassion, there are a good many things about which I care deeply. For example, Southwest Airlines' madcap seating policy concerns me, because it would seem to indicate that Southwest Airlines despises its passengers. And the fact that Uber-tool Ryan Seacrest is returning as host of "American Idol" has me greatly distressed, though it surely will not stop me from watching the show.
The Best of ‘Snide Remarks’: 2002
Somehow, among the 101 columns I wrote this year, I managed to find a few highlights. Don't think of this as a rehash of stuff you've already read; think of it as me being lazy and taking a week off.
Merry, Merry, and Quite Contrary
Today we are discussing how to enjoy the holidays to the full extent of the law, to enjoy every last drop of goodness in them, to enjoy them so much that you cannot stand to enjoy them again for at least another 10 years.
Ask Eric Stuff 13
Well, I'll be judied! It's time to make up words like "judied" (past tense of the verb "to judy"), and it's also time for "Ask Eric Stuff," a staggeringly popular feature in which people ask Eric stuff and he answers them. People write in wanting advice and opinions, and advice and opinions is/are what they get!
I Would Sit 500 Miles
I'm a little bruised and sore, but I successfully baby-sat two toddlers for an evening. It makes me think I could handle being a father, provided it's for no more than four hours at a time and the kids come out of the womb potty-trained.
A Plazable Solution
The LDS Church is taking its case regarding the Main Street Plaza all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, and the battle lines have been drawn: People who think everything the LDS Church does is OK think what they've done with the plaza is OK, and people who don't like anything the LDS Church does don't like this, either. The only description of controversies in Utah more appropriate than "abundant" is "predictable."
An Embarrassment of Richard’s
When you think of stores that sell pornography, probably the first name that springs to mind is Deseret Book. But those purveyors of smut are finally cleaning up their act, starting with a refusal to sell Mormon author Richard Paul Evans' trashy new novel, "LaVonda Does LaVerkin."
Killing Me Badly
It has been a bad month for wife-killing in the state of Utah, particularly in the sense that the people doing it aren't very good at it.
Cover Up
At the checkout stand at Albertson's, my eye was caught by a magazine whose cover was blocked by a black card. It was Vanity Fair, a magazine that I had never paid any attention to before. Obviously, Albertson's was trying to get me to buy this magazine, or else they wouldn't have drawn my attention to it by covering it up.
You’re Driving Me Mentally Illnessed!
When the ATM at my bank runs out of paper, it flashes a message that says, "It's been crazy today. Do you mind not getting a receipt?" What I wonder is if this offends crazy people, who might object to craziness being applied to such mundane things as a busy day at the bank.
Know Thyself
On "The Jerry Springer Show" last week, the featured guest was a no-class woman who sported a Southern accent and whose hair had been teased to within an inch of its life. She was angry because her daughter, who looked like a slightly smaller version of herself, was dating a man who was not 100-percent Caucasian. The mother, whose name was Judy, was wearing tragic leather pants that fit her ample loins so tightly they were probably rubbing the ink off the tattoos that no doubt covered her lower back.
Blind and Def
Because I am 75 years old and we are sitting around the dinner table, I am going to tell you about my recent health problems.
Les Is More
On a recent airline flight, I was seated next to two lesbians. Actually, I only have evidence that one of them was a lesbian, because she had her hand placed lovingly on the other's leg for the entire flight. If the second woman was straight, she was pretty lazy about defending her heterosexuality.
A Novel Concept
Until about a year ago, I rarely read novels. I had myself convinced they were too long and that my attention span was too short. Then I realized that was absurd, that surely I could focus my mind on something long enough to -- look, a shiny thing!
You Have the Right to Remain Fat
I had no idea Utah County's jail was in a remote part of Spanish Fork until I had to go there over the weekend to bail out my brother.
School Bites
For some reason, I allowed my TV to show me a local news broadcast the other night, and I heard the anchorperson say this: "Coming up next, a school's show-and-tell time gone horribly wrong!"
The Fall of Television
When we refer to the "new TV season," we must note that the word "new" is being used facetiously. There is nothing new about the shows premiering this month. The situations, the jokes and the plots are the same. Using a template, you can create shows that the networks will probably come up with, too, if you give them enough time.
Some Body to Love
BYU President Merrill J. Bateman reminded students a couple weeks ago that their bodies are temples and ought to be treated as such. This is important advice, because many students treat their bodies not like temples but like sugar refineries or waste-treatment plants or petting zoos.
The Bad Old Days
I am glad to have been born in this day and age, as opposed to one of the days and ages when life was deadly, deadly dull.
Left Behind
Our topic of discussion today is food. You might think parts of the column are about something else and that I have tangented, but surely that is a figment of your imagination.
Thank God It Was a Nice Day
It is Sept. 11, 2002. Neither I nor any of the other writers creating the deluge of commentary today have answers. Like the rest of you, we only have questions. Questions and the occasional brief flash of insight. Sometimes I think we are writing just to hear ourselves write.
Milking It
In this day of financial misdealings and fallen heroes, a time when nothing seems certain and the Game Show Network is changing its programming schedule on almost a weekly basis, it is good to know that some things remain constant: PETA is still crazy. I believe this is due to undernourishment.
The Problems of the Cute
There is a new picture of me at the top of this column. The old picture was taken in 1998, and it doesn't accurately reflect the way I look now. I know this because a couple months ago I was reviewing a play when, during intermission, a woman asked if I was Eric Snider, and when I told her I was, she said she recognized me from my column and added, "You've gained weight since that picture was taken." Apparently, the fact that I write reviews of local theater productions gives strangers license to tell me I'm fat.
The Sardonic Versus
There is a lot of unrest and discontent in the world, and in Utah, too. Let us pause a moment and examine some conflicts that have been on my mind recently, in the hopes that getting them out in the open will cause them to fester and become infected. No, wait, to heal, that's what I meant. Cause them to heal.
A Life of Literacy
Several of my friends have recently moved to Los Angeles to become actors and waiters and hobos, leaving me with fewer options for lunch partners. As a result, I have taken to eating lunch alone and reading a book while I do. My lack of nearby friends has forced me into a life of literacy. Surely you weep with me over this tragic turn of events.
The Parent Rap
It is my theory that no matter how cool your parents are, or how different they seem from the stereotypical parents, eventually everyone's parents become exactly like everyone else's.
Scream of Conscience
Let's talk about the conscience, a fascinating part of the human psyche. It separates us from the animals, who do not have feelings of regret or guilt, or feelings of any kind, really, which is why they don't complain when you kick them.
Dumber Blockbusters
It is time to recap the summer blockbuster season and make note of the films that busted our blocks during this hot, sweaty, magical time of year.
Porygamy
Actual news item scooped by City Weekly last week: Two Japanese exchange students visiting Utah were accidentally placed with a polygamist family. The girls, unfamiliar with American culture, apparently did not notice anything unusual.
Utah’s Cleanest Home Videos
We Utah County residents love movies. We like them on our own terms, though. We'll only watch them if they're cheap and clean. Well, unless they're really popular. Then we'll watch them no matter what. But we'll walk out halfway through!
UVS-Legitima-C
In 2003, Utah Valley State College's athletic teams will begin playing NCAA Division I competition, putting it in the same league as BYU and other real, live schools. If you're like me, you consider this big news, because you didn't know UVSC even HAD athletic teams.
Shmildren of Shmeden
We have more than our share of community theater in Utah County, and our love for the arts is admirable. Unfortunately, some of the theater is very, very bad, and I fear our love for the arts goes unrequited, and perhaps we are no longer loving the arts so much as stalking them.
The Best Friends
In the LDS Church, there is a program called home teaching, wherein
two gentlemen are assigned to be your friends for an hour or so
each month. During that hour, you may ask these fellows, who are
indeed your bosom chums, for assistance or guidance in any matter.
The hour is concluded with hearty well-wishes and slaps on the
back and assurances that you may call upon these men at any time
for help or counsel, after which they leave and you neither see
nor hear from them again until a month has passed, at which point
the exercise is repeated.
Ask Eric Stuff 12
Sweet sassy molassy! It's time for another installment of "Ask Eric Stuff." This is a very popular feature -- heavens, is it ever popular. We've had to hire a fictional secretary just to go through all the "Ask Eric Stuff" mail -- in which ordinary people like you ask Eric stuff, and then he replies with some witty rejoinder or caustic remark, making you wonder why anyone would ever ask him a serious question in the first place.
Are We There Yet?
From the diary of Sister Dinah Johannsen Olsen, July 24, 1847:
This is the place? Seriously: THIS is the place?! Heavens preserve us, what a terrible, forsaken wasteland. Are we being punished? What's the deal here?
A&Ftermath
Citizens of Provo, unite! We have been dissed by Abercrombie & Fitch. And by "we" I mean "you," because I live in Orem.
Ann Landers’ Final Column
Dear Ann Landers: My wife and I are expecting triplets. We were certain our family would rejoice with us, but we were wrong. The comments went like this: "You're really going to have your hands full," or "I hope you will have plenty of help." What can we say when we get such rude comments? -- Rejoicing East of the Rockies
The Royal Treatment
Queen Elizabeth II Visits a Chatroom.
** QueenE2 enters the room **
JLoFan222: so i was like 'not without my handbag!!!!!!!!
Tooltyme: what up queen?
AmnesiaSparkles: yo queenie
QueenE2: My, it certainly is lovely to see so many loyal ...
Seating Disorder
There was some hoopla a few weeks ago about Southwest Airlines, and how it double-charges fat people because it hates them. Then I read a press release at www.Southwest.com decrying the news media's "sensationalizing" of the issue, so I figured I sho...
