Snide Remarks
Butt Seriously, Folks
If you assk me, this whole Toby Keith thing hass gotten out of hand.
The controversy so far: Country singer Toby Keith performed at Stadium of Fire on Thursday, and some people were bothered because he wass planning to sing his song "Courtesy of ...
What Fools These Cross-Dressers Be
These are the disorganized, random, poorly written thoughts I had while covering the Utah Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City last week.
1. What was up with the fools and jesters? Monarchs in the old days apparently had someone whose sole job --...
Generation Eric
It's alarming to consider that people of my generation -- Generation Eric, as it's called -- are expected to be in charge of things. I look at myself and my friends, and I think: Wow. Most of these people are addicted to Fox's "American Idol." And we...
Making Fun of Strangers
(Note: This is one of those columns where I make fun of how some people look in public and talk like I think I'm better than everyone. If you don't like those columns, you shouldn't read this one.)
There. Now that I have guaranteed everyone who doe...
Chang of Subject
Today we are going to talk about the renovation of University Mall. I have a lot of caffeine in my system, though, so the ideas may not flow smoothly.
If you go to University Mall, the first thing you will see is a million teen-age girls, all of ...
I’m in the Nude for Laughs
Have I ever told you the Naked Story? Oh, it's a good one.
This is a factual story, supported by several eyewitnesses who have taken no small delight in recounting it to anyone who will listen. It occurred at a cabin in Wallsburg belonging to the f...
The Stupid Agenda
It happened again today. I was standing next to someone at the grocery store, and I could tell -- by his voice, his mannerisms, the way he walked -- that he was one of THOSE people. You know ... stupid.
Now, I have nothing against stupid people. ...
Ask Eric Stuff 11
When people need advice on matters of a most personal nature, they turn to Ask Eric Stuff, the occasional feature wherein Eric gets asked stuff and sometimes sort of answers the questions, indirectly.
All of these questions were actually asked by...
Codypendent
In today's edition of Crazy People Running for Office, we will discuss Cody Judy.
On Feb. 7, 1993, Cody Judy interrupted a BYU fireside where LDS apostle Howard W. Hunter was speaking. Judy held a briefcase containing what he said was a bomb, and...
Fee Installation
This was my Saturday:
12:00 p.m.: I decide I cannot live another minute without a CD player in my car. Honestly, how can you even expect me to?
12:15 p.m.: I arrive at RC Willey, which I chose because it is the last place in the country where...
Some Book Reviews
In response to numerous requests from authors, publishers and other book nerds, The Daily Herald has begun printing book reviews. Here is a small sampling.
"Hop on Pop," by Dr. Seuss (Random House, 1963, 64 pgs.) This surrealist tale winds and we...
Zombie for Mayor
Thank you, my friends. It is great to stand before you in this setting: a political debate between two worthy candidates for the office of mayor.
I say two worthy candidates because I sincerely believe my opponent, the incumbent mayor, is a good ...
PETA’s Dragon
You are aware that Springville High School students will continue to be called the Red Devils, thanks to a rare display of common sense by the general public, who were given the chance to vote on the matter. If everyone in Springville starts worshipp...
A Limited-Time Offer
"Hello?" (Long pause.) "Hello?!"
"Hello, is Mr. Schneider home?"
"Snider. And this is he."
"Mr. Schneider, my name is ShaThayd Jones, and I am calling in behalf of Worthless Products International. How are you today, sir?"
"Well, it's 5 in th...
Sinceriously
I fancy myself a sincere person. If I say something, it's because I mean it, not because I feel obligated to say it.
For example, there is no pressure upon me when I say I think Cirque du Soleil is in league with the devil, else how could they do th...
An Attack on the Clones
"Star Wars: Episode II -- Attack of the Clones" opens tonight at midnight on every single movie screen in the world that is not already showing "Spider-Man." In fact, due to overbooking, some theaters will show the films simultaneously, on the same s...
Ask Eric Stuff 10
The alignment of the planets into a neat, orderly row means it is time once again for an installment in the endless series known as "Ask Eric Stuff." How does it work? It is simple. People ask Eric stuff, and he answers them, providing guidance and t...
Bo and Hopeless
I'm not one to back down from a challenge. When a movie trailer describes the film as "unforgettable," I think, "Don't tell ME what I can't forget!" And I put all my effort into forgetting it, and sure enough, soon I've forgotten everything, includin...
Sympathy for the Doofus
Occasionally, I feel sorry for strangers. I see something tragic, and my heart goes out to some nameless face in the crowd. And when my heart comes back, it's got lint and dirt all over it. It sucks.
Anyway, I was at Albertson's to buy a card for...
To Bee in Dawlish
My friends Monty and Claire have been exiled to England. Monty is participating in a theater program at Exeter College, learning how to direct Shakespeare. (Shakespeare plays, I mean. Shakespeare himself is probably very unresponsive to direction.) C...
In Security
You have no alternative but to fly. It's too far away to drive. You have to fly.
So you call the airline and find out the fare is outrageously inflated. Knowing that airlines operate on principles of random number selection, you call back five minu...
The Devil’s in the Cottontails
Enough diddling around! We have important civic issues to discuss, such as Satanism and rabbits. We will address the more vital issue first, so Satanists, wait your turn.
The rabbits became news a couple weeks ago, when The Daily Herald reported on...
Humid Nature
With an average humidity index of 150,000 percent, Florida is by far our sweatiest state. That is why it is so attractive to old people, as the elderly, much like the dolphins they sound like, need to be kept moist in order to survive.
And there ...
It’s Funny Because It’s True
From the makers of "The Singles Ward" comes a hilarious new Mormon comedy called "It's Funny Because It's True." We have obtained a top-secret copy of the script, which we thought was strange, since "The Singles Ward" didn't even HAVE a script.
S...
The Upchuck of Western Civilization
While watching TV at the gym -- and could there be a better combination of laziness and health? -- I was alarmed by something I saw on MTV. I get alarmed every time I watch MTV these days, which is a sure sign that I am growing very, very old.
It s...
The Incident of the Shoes
"The Incident of the Shoes"
A Light Comedy
by Eric D. Snider
Based on a true story Cast of characters:
ERIC, a noted author and humanitarian
LUSCIOUS MALONE, a female lady friend
TANNY TANTAN, a friend of the non-female variety
SALESGIRL, a...
NASTYCAR
(Note: To save online readers the trouble of posting derisive comments after this column, we have inserted within the column itself the sort of things the hecklers are likely to say. So go ahead and take the day off, you troublemakers, you.)
Sin...
The Issue of Stink
There is no greater issue dividing the American classes than the issue of smell. Race, religion, politics -- these are trifling matters you wouldn't even bother to sneeze upon, if they were tangible, Kleenex-like matters, when compared to the subject...
Hostel Takeover
I stayed at a hostel when I was in London. If you are on a tight budget and want to truly experience the flavor and adventure of a European city, you should definitely, um, sleep in the park. No one should ever stay in a hostel.
Hostels are like ...
French Stench
I shall now tell you the story of "The Stinky Fat Black French Girl Who Was Omnipresent in London." It is a true story, and it happened to me. (I was not the title character.)
Upon arriving in London, I was delighted to find a place that would all...
St. Appalling
It is easy to recognize that England is very different from America. Why, simply examining the Brits' teeth is enough to show that England is separate from every other nation on Earth, and also to show that a nation of dentists ought to invade Englan...
Cross Words at JFK
Don't you hate when you're struck with an uncontrollable desire to do a crossword puzzle, only to discover the newsstand at JFK International Airport doesn't sell crossword puzzle books? Well, they do, but only PennyPress brand, and not the far-super...
The Vegetable War
The 2002 session of the Utah state legislature ended this week with a raging debate over the Official State Vegetable: Should it be the Spanish sweet onion or the sugar beet? (Not in the running: Gayle Ruzicka.)
Debate probably raged over other, ...
TV Gets Dumber
A friend called in a panic last Saturday. He said VH1 was showing a program called "Pup Stars," which consisted only of music videos being shown on a TV set while Dalmatian puppies frolicked in front of it. I told him he was delusional and should nev...
The Whole Sac Shimmies
Post-Olympics Salt Lake City is eerily quiet. It's like Europe just after World War II, when the Nazis were gone, but there were still signs of the occupation. A few flags here and there, maybe a few hardliners who insist it's not over yet, and a bun...
Words of Inspiration: Maybe
In these trying times, I have found that you can get people to listen to anything you say just by introducing it with "in these trying times." (Also: "In light of recent events.") But in the interest of providing hope and comfort, I offer the followi...
Olympics Report: The Summary Games
A summary of the Olympics, in case you missed something:
Day 1: The 2002 Olympic Winter Games officially begin with an Opening Ceremony so elaborate, it requires the efforts of literally dozens of different LDS ward activities committees to put it ...
Olympics Report: Not Our Fault
Utahns, we should be proud. The Games are nearly over, and while they've been plagued with one problem after another, it's important to note that NOT ONE OF THEM WAS OUR FAULT!
The French judge screwed up the figure skating: Not our fault. Woody Pa...
Olympics Report: It’s a Bud, Bud, Bud, Bud World
Quick, now, you only have a few days left to experience downtown Salt Lake City as an Olympics site. After Sunday, ownership of the city reverts back to the LDS Church, and I suspect they will not permit Bud World to remain.
Bud World is brought to...
Olympics Report: Roots Stir
If you do not yet have a Roots(TM)-brand beret that says "USA" on it, then you are completely devoid of Olympic spirit and are not fit to call yourself an American who follows every single stupid trend that comes along. The bandwagon is here, America...
Olympics Report: There Is Nothing Like a Dane
One of the perks of covering the Olympics is that I'm granted access to luminaries such as gold medalist Casey FitzRandolph, who was signing autographs at a store at The Gateway on Monday (I didn't go), and to a bunch of Danish non-athletes at a brea...
Olympics Report: Condomnation
When the Olympic Games are over, approximately 17,000 weeks from now, I believe my favorite scandal will still be the uproar over the Great Condom Giveaway, wherein helicopters are dropping hundreds of thousands of condoms over the Olympic Village, a...
Olympics Report: The Peaks
I don't know if you've heard, but there's an Olympics venue RIGHT HERE in Provo. It's called The Peaks Ice Arena, and if you haven't seen how lovely it is, you should definitely head downtown and look at it through a pair of binoculars from four bloc...
Olympics Report: Ice Sage
There is fun and excitement for all ages at the Nu Skin World of Ice. This is especially true if you believe it is fun and exciting to be cold.
I have long maintained that the only problem with the Winter Olympics is that it is held during the wint...
Olympics Report: A Sorry State of Affairs
The IOC couldn't have chosen a worse city to host the Olympics than Salt Lake, where, for crying out loud, you can't even buy a caffeinated soda without 1) showing I.D. and 2) calling it "pop." It's a provincial, ridiculous little city with no clue h...
Olympics Report: Canadian Beggin’
That's it! I'm moving to Russia! Because apparently, that's where the world's best figure skaters are (hardy-har-har), and I don't want to live on a continent that doesn't have the best figure skaters!
The Canadians were robbed -- of the gold, of...
Olympics Report: Women’s Hockey Is Finnished
So women are playing hockey now, apparently. I know because I watched them do it at The Peaks on Tuesday. What will come next in the women's movement? Why, soon they'll be voting!
I had no idea what to expect from a women's hockey game. Would the...
Olympics Report: Smokin’ the Half-Pipe
They keep adding events to the Olympics. This is to ensure that no matter how closely you follow the Games, there will always be something unusual to baffle you, similar to how the Utah Department of Transportation likes to close freeway offramps for...
Olympics Report: How Much Does Bob Costas?
Ah, the Olympic Opening Ceremony! Such pageantry! Such spectacle! Such coyotes on ice skates!
Yes, a sizable portion of Friday night's extravaganza was devoted to the heritage of the Old West, and 5,000 performers enacted it. It is rare to see so m...
Olympics Report: Tired of Trademarks
The International Olympic Committee closely guards the use of its trademarks and licenses, and it has trademarked and licensed pretty much everything. In fact, you are no longer allowed to use the word "bribe" without putting a little "TM" after it. ...
Olympics Report: The Molympics
Some people are concerned that the upcoming Games will turn into the "Mormon Olympics," due to the high percentage of Utah residents who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. These fears are valid, of course, because this so...
Ask Eric Stuff 9
Directionless? Clueless? Legless? Fret not, because Eric is here with another installment of "Ask Eric Stuff," in which people ask Eric stuff and he tells them where to go and what to do. All of these questions were submitted , where you can submit y...
The U.N. Column
The billboard I saw on my way to work said this:
"The United Nations Wants to Take YOUR Gun!"
I was alarmed. How could the United Nations Want to Take MY Gun when I don't even have one? Are they planning to issue guns to everyone, just so the...
No Offense
This column occasionally makes people angry, if by "occasionally" we mean "all the time" and if by "people" we mean "sticks in the mud" and if by "angry" we mean "angry."
One sentiment we hear very frequently from callers and letter-writers is th...
Gus Mileage
The story so far: Eric's car was towed; the Park City Police Department charged him $80 and then had to refund the money when they realized they didn't have the car; the guy who DID have the car didn't want to release it this late at night, even thou...
Towed You So
If you've been to Park City during the Sundance Film Festival, then your car has been towed. During the time when the most people visit the town, that's when the city decides no one's allowed to park there. It's like inviting guests over for dinner a...
Sundance Report: Short Cuts
On Tuesday, I took a moment to make fun of Robert Redford. Specifically, I called him a "leathery midget." I fear this epithet may have been taken the wrong way. I only meant that his skin is textured like that classiest of classy materials, leather,...
Sundance Report: Obsession
I love Parker Posey. She's been in many good movies, including "Waiting for Guffman," which was the best comedy of the '90s and one of the best comedies of the past 1,000 years. She was in "The House of Yes," which contains the only good Freddie Prin...
Sundance Report: Dressed to Kill
So far I've seen two self-referential movies at Sundance. One was a documentary about philosopher Jacques Derrida that tells the story of Jacques Derrida while also telling the story of how the documentary about Jacques Derrida came to be. The other ...
Sundance Report: The Ten Commandments
People often ask me, "How do I get to Sundance?" I give them the same answer as the New Yorker who was asked how to get to Carnegie Hall: What am I, the tourist board?
But seriously. Many filmmakers try to get their films into the Sundance Film Fe...
Sundance Report: Almost Famous
The 2002 Sundance Film Festival is four days old now, and the list of celebrities of I've seen is very small, unless you count seeing them in a movie, in which case I've seen dozens.
In person, though, I've only seen people who LOOK like celebrit...
How to Behave at the Theater
Utah County has so much live theater, it's leaking out at the seams and getting goo all over the adjacent counties. Still, there are some who don't attend the theater and might be hesitant to try, for fear of committing a social "foe paw," pardon my ...
Barking up the Wrong Triage
We thought our friend Sassy Winger (names have been changed) had appendicitis, so we took her to the hospital. Turns out it was just an ovarian cyst that had burst. YOU WANT TO KEEP READING NOW, DON'T YOU????!!!!
I'm uncomfortable discussing Sass...
Special FX
It's that time of year again: Time to make my New Year's resolutions. The Columnists Code mandates that all newspaper columnists write about this, so here goes:
• I resolve not to actually write a column about New Year's resolutions.
Now, o...
Delta Bad Hand
I've always maintained that the airline industry is the most incompetent organization in the world, coming out ahead of even the U.S. Postal Service and communism in terms of ineffectiveness and disorganization.
Granted, the airlines have been unde...
The Best of ‘Snide Remarks’: 2001
Random highlights from the 800,000 "Snide Remarks" columns published in 2001:
Feb. 2: I thought I saw Mick Jagger at the Sundance Film Festival, but it turned out to be just a telephone pole with some trash stuck to it.
May 2: My recent trip ...
An Obsessive-Compulsive Christmas
We Sniders are an obsessive-compulsive lot that can barely function in normal society without a lot of medication and public embarrassment. And nowhere is this made more manifest than at Christmastime. We're big on traditions -- so much that anytime ...
Master of the Universe
A mistake was made recently at The Daily Universe. Now, I know the BYU student newspaper routinely makes mistakes, including that one time back in the '90s when they let me be editor in chief for a semester. But this error wasn't the fault of the students. This one came from the Communications Department.
2,001 Angry Letters
2001 was an unpleasant year, and not just because it spawned so many gratuitous references to dull science-fiction movies. I would like to end things on a positive note, but instead, I'm going to share with you The Year in Angry Letters, a wrap-up of...
Ask Eric Stuff 8
Well, bless my stars with gravy, it's time for a Very Special Christmas Episode of "Ask Eric Stuff," the remarkably distasteful feature where people ask Eric stuff and he answers them like he's some kind of know-it-all. All of these questions were su...
Comfy KOSY Are We
The Surgeon General has advised those indulging in the Christmas spirit to do so in moderation. If you are attending a Christmas party, be sure to appoint a Designated Scrooge -- someone to remain less merry than everyone else, stay away from mistlet...
Blame Everyone
I went up in a hot-air balloon with my pet cat, and when we were several hundred feet up, I held the cat by one leg and dangled him over the edge of the basket. He slipped out of my hand and fell to his death. Now I am suing Superman for not arriving...
Quash the Ravin’
A new study shows that women suffer more brain damage from taking Ecstasy than men do. This is alarming, because if they're taking Ecstasy, that means they're not very smart to begin with.
Ecstasy is a common "rave drug," which means the critics ar...
What You Missed
Soap opera update for the week of Nov. 26.
If you missed your stories this week, here's what happened:
"THE MOIST AND THE SWEATY": Clarissa's birthday party was interrupted by guerrillas, and then gorillas. Monica agreed to marry her brother Jas...
Airport Insecurity
I rode on an airplane last week for the first time in several months. Everyone is nervous these days, but the only terrorist act I witnessed was how much they charged me for the ticket. (Am I right, folks?!)
The most startling change in airport sec...
Tux to Be You
Well, Jared and Nichole's wedding turned out fine, despite Nichole having the flu, and despite a lot of people not showing up because it conflicted with the BYU/University of Utah football game, and despite my involvement as the best man.
My humili...
Thanksgiving Predictions
Though Miss Cleo and I are on a first-name basis (we dated in high school), I personally have no psychic ability. And yet, I will herein predict exactly what will happen at my parents' house on Thanksgiving. Prepare to be startled and amazed, and pos...
The Requisite Rivalry Column
BYU football is the reason the Daily Herald goes on living, and the University of Utah game is the reason the Daily Herald goes on living with a smile on its face. It is our raisin detour (or "raison d'etre," as the French say).
We look forward t...
Me, Too?
In order to make it to the U2 concert in Salt Lake City on Friday, my friend Pants (names have been changed) had to ride, freezing, in the back of some guy's pickup truck all the way from Mesquite, Nev. But he's not the only one who suffered. I had t...
Dewey Think That’s Funny?
Today's topic, at least until I get sidetracked: stuff that isn't funny. (YOU: That's what your column is always about! ME: Har!)
Certain things are considered not funny now because they are in poor taste "in light of recent events"; apparently, ...
Bored of the Dance
I went to the ballet to try to broaden my horizons. I tend to be more artistically inclined than, say, the governor of Minnesota, but my tastes do not generally run as deep as ballet. All that dancing, and so few electric guitars. It seems like a was...
The Great Recession
The dull-looking men on TV tell us that America is entering a recession. Now, despite having its root in the word "recess," a recession is not all fun and games and kickball, nor do school children look forward to it, nor does it end after 20 minutes...
How to Speak Mormon
Does it make me a bad person if the only thing I remember from church last Sunday is that every single speaker used the phrase "grateful for the opportunity" at least once?
We Mormons (non-Mormons: Stop reading now! I'm not talking to you) use th...
Worst Local Journalist
It is quite an honor to be voted Best Local Journalist. It's right up there with Best Brother in the Snider Family and Best Guy Who Just Moved into Stonebrook Condominium No. 1236.
My job has many facets, all of which contribute to my becoming soft...
Best Local Journalist
It is quite an honor to be voted Best Local Journalist. It's right up there with Best Brother in the Snider Family and Best Guy Who Just Moved into Stonebrook Condominium No. 1236.
My job has many facets, all of which contribute to my becoming so...
Circular Reasoning
Outside the Wendy's on University Parkway in Orem is a sign that reads as follows:
Pick-up window open "TIL" 2 a.m.
Notice that "til" is apparently being used sarcastically, as indicated by the quotation marks. Wendy's is open "til" (wink, wi...
Ask Eric Stuff 7
Heavens to Betsy! It's time once again for "Ask Eric Stuff," the ridiculously unpopular feature where people ask Eric stuff and he offers advice, counsel and vague threats.
All of these questions were submitted here , where you can submit your ow...
Mullet over
Do the people with the mullets know we're making fun of them? I mean, it's not like we're being quiet about it. We're pretty much mocking them openly.
(By the way, this is going to be one of those columns where I act superior and tell you what to d...
The Comedy of Village Inn
"The Comedy of Village Inn"
An Absurdist Play in One Act
By Eric D. Snider
Dramatis Personae:
ERIC, a local man
SMACKY, Eric's friend
SMACKY'S FRIEND, Smacky's friend
THE WAITER, a waiter
STARVATION and WOE, non-speaking roles, pres...
[Insert ‘Butt’ Joke Here]
I could never be a smoker. The biggest reason might be my widely publicized disdain for people who smell bad (which everyone at least secretly agrees with, by the way). I'd hate to start smelling bad myself.
Smoking is very uncool in this century...
The Importance of Peeing Earnest
We had a visitor at the Daily Herald office last week. He was a lunatic who wanted us to publish his lunatic opinions concerning recent events. His shoes were several sizes too big, his glasses looked like Jerry Lewis' in "The Nutty Professor," and h...
Let’s Mecca Deal
It is disheartening that lately we have to be told NOT to kill every Muslim we see. I already knew not to do that, even before President Bush told us not to. It's common sense, really: Don't kill people. Duh.
I don't see Muslims that often anyway...
The Funtasticks
A telemarketer called last week. He said, "I am calling to tell you about a funtastic new offer from--" and I hung up. Any product that can be described as "funtastic" is not a product I want in my home.
"Our funtastic life insurance policy will gu...
Aging Bull
We recently received a submission for our letters to the editor page that had been composed on an old typewriter, using old typing paper. I believe it was delivered by a carrier pigeon driving a Model T on the Pony Express.
Clearly, one of our se...
Money Makes My Head Go ‘Round
Finances baffle me. And by that I mean, I have no idea how much money I have, let alone how much I owe other people. I get a credit card statement, and I look at it and say, "That much? Really? Huh." Then I write a check and go buy some more DVDs. Yo...
Checking It out
Our new library in Provo is very lovely. It used to be the Brigham Young Academy, but the building fell into disrepair sometime after the Civil War and was being used primarily as a place for kids to sneak into and make out.
It was a marvelous, c...
I Don’t Have A CLU
And while we're on the subject of PETA and other organizations that battle against common sense, let us discuss the king of them all: the ACLU.
ACLU stands for American Civil Liberties Whining Poopy-Pants Babies. The group's goal is to make sure ...
September 11
"Snide Remarks" did not appear in The Daily Herald on Wednesday. We figured no matter how funny it was, it wasn't going to seem funny at all in the context of the dreadful news we'd be reporting alongside it, especially considering most readers don't...
I PETA the Fool
I'm not one to criticize or pass judgment, but if there's a bigger group of morons than the folks at PETA, I'll eat my hat (which is made of trumpeter swan, by the way).
PETA is People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and the group's latest v...
Ask Eric Stuff 6
We return once again to "Ask Eric Stuff," an extremely unpopular feature in which ordinary people like you, you and especially YOU ask Eric stuff in the hopes he'll provide guidance, insight and cleverly masked swear words.
Bear in mind the follo...
