Snide Remarks
The Noise of Summer
With Labor Day upon us, we must adapt to a few changes that come with the waning of summer. First, no more white pants or shoes, as mandated by the Fashion Association Guidelines published at www.nolinen,either.com. Second, movies have to start makin...
Winning the Pews
The church attendance rate among Latter-day Saints is anywhere from 10 to 90 percent, depending on whom you ask and whether they like Mormons. The anti-Mormons tend to put the number pretty low, although I don't know why they'd bother attacking the c...
One Fateful Day
I got an e-mail with the subject line, "Eric, an urgent message about your future!" The use of my first name let me know this was a friend writing me, and the word "urgent" informed me of the great importance of the message, but the exclamation point...
I’ll Take Therapist for $100
From what I gather, one of the primary benefits of getting married is the assurance of always having someone who will listen to you, or at least pretend to. When you're single, you have to make your single friends listen to you, and goodness knows th...
Education Weep
Do all your driving this weekend, because starting Monday, Utah Valley will be packed with Education Week visitors converging on BYU. Many of them are from out of state and are not familiar with our local traffic laws, like the one that says when a l...
Too Crude, Live
I was listening to KOSY 106.5's "Showtune Saturday Night" as I drove to Atchafalaya for the 2 Live Crew concert when I realized I couldn't remember which show the song currently playing was from. It was called "It Takes a Woman," and it was really se...
Getting a Bad Rap
More than 100 local women tore themselves away from Deseret Book and the Quilted Bear long enough to sign a petition protesting Saturday's 2 Live Crew concert at Atchafalaya. They feel 2 Live Crew's lyrics violate Provo's obscenity ordinances. They a...
It’s All True
The following bits of trivia are all TRUE! Please forward them via e-mail to every single person you have ever met.
Until 1992, no one had ever died within the state boundaries of Rhode Island.
Technically, a duck has no mouth. Its bill is co...
Heaven or Yell
I was awakened by the sound of a Christian minister yelling at me. At first I thought maybe I'd passed out drunk in the soup kitchen again. Then I remembered I'd never been drunk or in a soup kitchen before, so "again" wouldn't exactly be the right w...
Ask Eric Stuff 5
It is now time for "Ask Eric Stuff," a wildly popular feature in which people ask Eric stuff and he answers them. This feature is so incredibly popular that Eric is mobbed by strangers whenever he walks down the street, particularly when he is wearin...
The Simple Life
I was halfway through the four-hour "Family Feud" marathon on the Game Show Network when a thought struck me: Sweet Allah in heaven above me, is this what my life has become? I'm a big loser! Then Richard Dawson said, "Name a yellow fruit," and the c...
When You Bishop on a Star
My father, whose name really is Rocky F. Snider, is bishop of the LDS ward in which my family resides. This ward is in California, not Utah. This means that when church headquarters said, "No more missionary farewells in which sacrament meeting is de...
Behind in the Music
Remember that Latin Music Invasion we were supposed to have a few years ago? What ever happened to that? People like Ricky Martin and Marc Anthony were supposed to take this country by storm, and then they didn't. Maybe they invaded some other countr...
Take Me Out
I was at a Provo Angels baseball game last week when I had an alarming thought: Provo has a baseball team?
Yes, while you were preoccupied with polygamy trials, smutty Victoria's Secret posters and crackpots in La Verkin who for some reason think...
Dumb as a Post
My point is, you should stay away from those restaurants. Especially the ones with the monkeys.
Eric D. Snider can be reached at 344-2560 or dhfamily@heraldextra.com.
Post your comments here:
Anonymous: not funny, snyder. your never funny...
Breast in Show
A few weeks ago, The Daily Herald received a large envelope containing a copy of the Spring 2001 Victoria's Secret catalog, accompanied by a handwritten note reading: "Victoria's Secret is out .... (She's a SLUT!!!) I resent this pornography being se...
Bad Poetry? Please, Sir, May I Have Smoe?
In response to the many kind readers who have written gentle reminders to the effect that I'm not funny and they hate me, I am turning today's edition over to two other writers who have written extremely funny poetry without even knowing it.
Our ...
Balloon Fest 2001
When the Founding Fathers slapped together this great nation of ours, I'm sure they envisioned a lot of parades and fireworks being part of our celebrations.
"But parades and fireworks are boring!" protested Benjamin Franklin. "If you've seen one...
A Midsummer Night’s Screening
The summer movie season, which runs from February to November, is now half-over (or half-started, as the optimist would say), so it's time for a recap.
The first blockbuster of the season was "The Mummy Returns," in which Brendan Fraser and that g...
Ask Eric Stuff 4
Gather 'round, kids! It's time for yet another installment of "Ask Eric Stuff," an occasional feature in which Eric answers questions that were asked by people just like you, except dumber. You can submit your own questions at .
Dear Eric: I've h...
A Close Shave in St. George
A weekend in St. George is bound to teach you a few things. For example, that it's really hot in St. George and I don't know how anyone lives there. I have noticed it's mostly old people. Do they possess some kind of natural defense against the sun's...
Amana from Heaven
My refrigerator was making a weird smell. The smell persisted, despite several cleanings and throwing out what old food there was. Even baking soda was powerless against it. I called an old priest and a young priest, and they exorcised the refrigerat...
Another Column About Dieting
I knew it was time to start dieting again because when I would say, "I really need to lose some weight," people stopped saying, "Oh, no, you look fine," and started agreeing with me.
This happens every couple years, when my lazy, gastronomical li...
City of Gold
New York called and said, "Hey, this is New York. If we let you into our city for free, will you write a few columns about us? We could really use the publicity, as we fear many people out West have not heard of us." I said, "Sure thing, New York. Gl...
Oh, Say, Can You Sing?
When the Provo Angels begin their inaugural season June 16, fans will be in for a special treat: free beer for anyone wearing Speedos and a tank-top!
I'm lying, of course. Beer, free or otherwise, is not permitted at Larry H. Miller Stadium (former...
The Golden Days of Television
No doubt you've been thinking a lot about "The Golden Girls" lately. At least, I know I have been, and I'm not a guy with a lot of time on his hands.
The subject came up while I was with some friends on a road trip, which is a time when people wi...
Forever Young
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Delta Center, it's the Brigham Young 200th Birthday Extravaganza Spectacular of the Stars! With guest appearances by Heber C. Kimball, Eliza R. Snow, Porter Rockwell, Johnston's Army, and more than 40 wi...
Ask Eric Stuff 3
It is time once again to offer advice, counsel and mean-spirited insults in another edition of "Ask Eric Stuff." All of these questions were submitted at , and we should point out that the very existence of "Ask Eric Stuff" on the Internet automatica...
The Column About the Cab
I'm trying to catch a cab. They whiz by me by the dozens, but none stop. It has nothing to do with my appearance, unless being non-ugly is a liability in New York City (which it might be). It's because they already have passengers. Is it possible tha...
Red-Eye to Rumble
I had never taken a "red-eye" flight until a few weeks ago. Why would I intentionally do anything that would make my eyes red? Their natural yellow color is hard enough to deal with. But since JetBlue -- by far the world's cheapest airline, and I use...
The Daily Harem
Excerpts from The Daily Harem, Utah's polygamy newspaper, written by polygamists, for polygamists. (Circulation: 100 households/500,000 readers.)
• • •
FRONT PAGE:
Tom Green's Wife Has Another Child; Green 'Didn't Even Know She Was Preg...
Angry Moon
We all have different ways of dealing with anger. If you're aggressive, you might lash out physically. If you're passive, you might mutter profanities. If you're the Vandals, you might sack Rome in A.D. 455. None of these behaviors will do you any go...
Hello, Dalai
The Dalai Lama is in Utah County this weekend, speaking at, of all places, Utah Valley State College. (What, was Provo High School booked?) Earlier this week, the Daily Herald's Eric D. Snider was granted an exclusive interview with Mr. Lama, held at...
I Gots a Qwestion
So the phone company came out to hook up my new phone line, but 'cept after they did it, it didn't actually work. Evidently, one needs to specify that one would like a WORKING phone line, as opposed to just a telephone number and a bill.
So they ...
The Heppiest Place on Earth
After spending three days at Disneyland, I am pleased to report that the best ride is Pinocchio's Daring Journey. At least, I assume it is, since we rode it five times.
The "we" in question was me, my research assistant/consultant Josh, and our f...
Fault Disney
My recent trip to Disneyland revealed a park vastly different from the one I knew as a child. The Mickey's Hernia Operation ride is new, for example, as is Tigger's Crack House.
I kid the multi-national conglomerate, but Disney really has changed...
Grad Tidings
The reason you couldn't drive anywhere yesterday is that BYU held its commencement exercises and everyone in Utah County drove to the Marriott Center. (You will notice they did this without using their turn signals.) More graduation stuff happens tod...
Freddy’s Revenge
Centuries from now, when American civilization has completely collapsed, historians will look back and say: "What caused this great society to fall? How could a culture so rich in the arts, so advanced in government, so efficient in its distribution ...
Going Up
My friend Jared and I went rock climbing. It made sense that we would go together, because the last time I climbed was in 1992, and the last time he climbed, he fell and knocked himself unconscious.
Since Jared is a theater student, hitting his h...
Condomaximum
When the time came for me to be a grown-up and buy a condo, I insisted on buying one that had just been built. With no previous occupants, I figured the place was less likely to be haunted, although it did still run the risk of having been built on a...
Special Report: Straight at BYU
BYU student Nick Soto knew there was going to be trouble as soon as football season started.
"Every time there was a game on, I couldn't help but watch it," said the 21-year-old engineering major. "It was only a matter of time before my roommates...
I Think I Need a Loan Now
After years of renting an apartment, I have finally purchased a condominium. I got tired of giving money away to a landlord every month and have decided to give it to a mortgage company instead.
Everyone kept telling me I should buy instead of re...
Ask Eric Stuff 2
It's time once again for "Ask Eric Stuff," an occasional feature in which people ask Eric stuff and he answers them. You can submit your own questions at , and then hope and pray the gods smile upon you and Eric replies in the column. He is unable to...
Girls on Film
Seeing a movie is the most popular thing to do on a date. This is probably because it allows you to sit in the dark with someone of the opposite sex without actually having to talk to them. At least, you shouldn't be talking to them. If you are talki...
Olympics Olympics Olympics Olympics Olympics
Following is The Daily Herald's at-a-glance roundup of today's front page stories relating to the 2002 Winter Olympics.
OLYMPICS = DEATH: With less than a year to go before the 2002 Winter Olympics, state officials are recommending Utah residents...
March Madness
Like all red-blooded American men who pay their taxes and love their wives, I have March Madness. I get it every year. I feel fatigued and nauseated, and it burns when I urinate. It's either March Madness or syphilis, one.
At any rate, I am a pre...
Release Me
Writing a press release is hard, if by "hard" we mean "not hard." No offense to the public relations students I had classes with when I was a journalism student, but it's not exactly brain science or rocket surgery.
Not that journalism is any tri...
Ask Eric Stuff
I see by the old clock on the wall that -- hey, who stole the clock?! Man alive!
I see by my watch, then, that it's time for "Ask Eric Stuff," an occasional feature where people ask Eric stuff. All of these questions were submitted at and are an...
Las Craiges
I recently visited my friends Ken and Katie Craig. They used to live in Provo, but that's no place to raise a family, so they moved to Las Vegas.
The purpose of my trip was to get away from the stresses that beset me in Provo, not the least of wh...
A Tiffany Epiphany
I went to see Tiffany in concert at the BYU on Monday for the same reason I would go to a traveling freak show: It may be unsettling to watch, but I'm curious to see if anyone has two heads.
OK, maybe not exactly the same reason. My point is, I'm...
There’s a Placenta for Us
I saw a hair-care product whose two main ingredients were henna and placenta. The name of this product: Henna 'n' Placenta. Obviously, originality was not a strong suit here.
Please note that the product is not called Henna and Placenta; it is ca...
Our Towns
So what's happening in Our Towns this week? A better question would be, what ISN'T happening in Our Towns this week! No, sorry, that would actually be a worse question.
You've seen his face, but you probably never knew his name. LaGrese Bingham i...
Congressional Wreckord
The Utah state legislature has wrapped things up for the year, which means I can go back to my regular routine of not remembering they exist.
The most important thing they did this time around was make Jell-O the Official State Snack of Utah. Thi...
This Old House
My parents, back in California, have sold the house I grew up in and are moving to one whose walls I have not marked with crayon (yet).
I can understand why they're doing it. When you get older and the kids have moved out, it makes sense to get a...
Time for a Napster
We Napster users have been in an absolute tizzy lately, downloading songs as fast as we can before the Feds shut everything down. A few more hours, and I'll have completed my Hall & Oates collection.
As with most of the world's major tragedie...
Without a Hitch
I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Not because I'm any closer to getting married now than I was when I was, say, 7, but because I live near BYU, which emits high-frequency marriage waves. It's impossible not to think about marriage under...
Sundunce
How often have you remarked, possibly out loud to strangers you passed in the street, "I wish someone would make a movie about the sexual desires of handicapped people"? If you're like me, you remark this at least twice a day, often with expletives. ...
Coming Up
Question: What is the most unpleasant way to be woken up?
A. Wolverines biting your throat.
B. Icy she-beast Hillary Rodham Clinton tickling you with her mustache.
C. Monkeys.
D. The sound of your roommate, just a few feet away from you, vo...
Deface the Music
I keep hearing this song on the radio that I don't understand, for a variety of reasons. First of all, it's by one of those R&B groups consisting of three black women who take turns seeing who can sing the most different notes over the course of ...
Meat the Press
Food and shopping malls go hand-in-hand, like grease and food, or shopping malls and stores that only sell one thing and it's something you don't want. After a long day of being annoyed by 1,000-percent mark-ups and incompetent 15-year-olds masquerad...
Airline Fracture
The latest way the Internet has turned our lives into living nightmares irreversibly and forever is with Priceline.com. If you have not used Priceline to get airline tickets, then it's a safe bet you have gotten to where you actually wanted to go.
...
The Best of ‘Snide Remarks’: 2000
Excerpts from some of the less unmemorable "Snide Remarks" columns in 2000.
Jan. 7: I rang in the new millennium in Evanston, Wyo. I figured if all technology was going to fail at the stroke of midnight, I should be in a place where there WAS no ...
TRAX Is for Kids
The TRAX light-rail system opened to much fanfare in 1999, and before the month was over, it was scissoring people in half almost daily. I believe it carried some passengers, too, though that's hard to verify.
I don't know why more people don't r...
A Bowl Full of Telly
Unless you're some kind of atheist or communist, you'll no doubt be spending thousands of hours this holiday season with your fat butt parked in front of the TV. The television wizards have cooked up enough Christmas programming to make you as cheerf...
Totally Awesome Angry People
Well, I reckon it's about time to dip into the ol' Snide Remarks mailbag to see what's gotten folks up in a dither the past few months. We do this in the spirit of giving that permeates this season so that everyone can enjoy the hate and vitriol that...
Hymns for Him
With the Christmas season in full swing, as it has been since last Dec. 20 -- I'm sure you recall as I do how the stores all took down their 1999 Christmas decorations five days before the holiday and replaced them with the 2000 Christmas decorations...
Every Vote Re-Counts
BERNARD SHAW: This is Bernard Shaw for CNN. As we enter our 236th consecutive hour of non-stop election coverage, we have a late-breaking development: Election officials in Florida have announced that they still don't know who won. All of the major t...
Going Blind
Three of my friends recently went on a triple date. That by itself is an ordeal, as it means having to convince three different women all to be ready at the same time, but there was another factor that made it even worse: It was a blind date.
We ...
It’s All Downhill from Here
While the rest of you were out voting Tuesday -- and look at the mess THAT made -- I was at the Utah Olympic Park, risking my life as I tried out the quasi-sport known as "skeleton."
Aside from "Tonya Harding," "skeleton" may be the scariest-sound...
Blair Witch 2: Electric Boogaloo
When we think about "Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2," let us stop killing ourselves long enough to admire Hollywood's resourcefulness. I wish this power would be used for good instead of evil, but you have to admit, it's a pretty cool talent, however...
Corections
A photograph of a hunter with his freshly killed deer in last week's Recreation section had an erroneous caption. The phrase "local redneck" should have been omitted.
• • •
Due to an editing error in Wednesday's edition, the word "not" was a...
Evil-Mail
To: The inhabitants of Earth ‹humanity@earth.com›
From: Satan ‹lucifer@microsoft.com›
Subject: Clearing up a few things
Dear whimpering, weak-fleshed cowards --
Hey, what's up? It's me, Old Scratch. Just wanted to drop ...
A Little Nap
I wrecked my car last week, but don't worry: It was a Hyundai, and I'd had it for two years, so it was about time to throw it in the trash anyway.
When you're in an accident, the first thing people ask you is not "Are you OK?" or even "Is the car...
User Unfriendly
With all the computer viruses that have gone around in recent months, I'm extra-glad to own an Apple computer. Not only are Apples generally immune to such things, but they also come in pretty colors.
I've feared e-mail viruses lately because of ...
Best and Worst
You no doubt have spent the last several weeks in sweaty anticipation of the results from the Daily Herald's Best and Worst of the Valley survey. Or perhaps you never knew the survey existed and have spent the last several weeks in sweaty anticipatio...
Bridal Power
I was going to start a store in the mall called PriestCrafters, with the motto, "We'll sell you the gospel in about an hour." But then I realized Living Scriptures, Missionary Emporium and Deseret Book were already doing that. So instead I came up wi...
UVSC What I Mean?
Utah Valley State College needs to stop wondering why people make fun of it and why no one takes it seriously. UVSC needs to locate reality, possibly by employing the services of a sleuth, and then gain a hard, firm grip on it.
No one hates UVSC,...
Mall or Nothing
I'm normally a pretty open-minded and non-complaining type of person, but I can no longer remain silent on the fact that shopping malls are horrible, squalid places where everything costs twice as much as it does in real stores and where the store ma...
Clothes-Minded
I've been buying a lot of clothes lately. This is stupid, of course, because I already have plenty of clothes. I mean, have you ever seen me naked? My apologies to those who have, but my point is, it's not like I'm walking around wearing a barrel, li...
Manic Hyundai
So I get this thing in the mail telling me that my car registration is about to expire and that I should send Utah a huge check. (Well, the check would be normal size; the amount of money represented by it would be huge.)
Now, I can understand why...
For Whom LaVell Tolls
Last week the world was stunned when the legendary LaVell Edwards announced that, after 29 years of coaching BYU football, he was going to do what no one thought he would ever do: give Merrill Bateman a wedgie.
Also, he announced he will retire a...
Education Freak
As another Education Week comes to a close on the BYU campus, let us take this opportunity to reflect on all the knowledge we have gained these past few days. For example, I now know that if I plan to do anything special, such as eating at a restaura...
Big Bad Guru Daddies
I'm currently facing a moral dilemma such as those that plagued Socrates, Sir Thomas More, and Marcia Brady that time when she had two dates to the big dance.
The dilemma is over a new restaurant in Provo called Guru's. It's one of a chain of sem...
Julie and Rules
The Daily Herald has lately been publishing nothing but stories about Julie Stoffer, the BYU student who appeared on MTV's "The Real World" and subsequently got kicked out of school. This is part of our ongoing attempt to annoy our readers and get le...
Pukemon
"Pokemon: The Movie 2000" grossed $20 million in its first weekend. In a related story, I'm going to kill myself.
I've seen plenty of bad movies, of course, including the entire oeuvre of Freddie Prinze Jr., who is this generation's Keanu Reeves ...
Born on the 24th of July
Let me start by saying that I have the utmost respect for the Mormon Pioneers who trudged across the plains and established something that very closely resembles a civilization, here in the uninhabitable wasteland full of sagebrush and Idahoans. I ce...
English Is Talked Here
I don't generally follow politics, mainly because I like to reinforce the idea that I'm an uninformed idiot. But I spend enough time napping at my desk in the Daily Herald newsroom to at least catch the gist of what's going on, and this "English-only...
ShakesFest2000
I recently spent three days at the Utah Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City. This is perhaps the only place in the world where you can hear actors speak some of the most beautiful words ever written, and then turn on the Southern Utah University rad...
Just Fiends
Today's topic is Things Women Do That Men Don't Understand.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Ricks College, a four-year university? Great. Now people who couldn't get in to BYU will be able to get bachelor's degrees in Paste-Eating, i...
Between Me and You
Is it fair to single out others' small mistakes, and enlarge them to the extent that we miss the point of what they were trying to say?
Yes. We do it all the time, and we should do it even more. Missing The Point is one of the major industries in ...
The Tragedy of Village Inn
"The Tragedy of Village Inn"
A Play in Three Acts
By Eric D. Snider
Dramatis Personae:
ERIC, a local man
JOSH, Eric's research assistant/consultant
JJANA WITH TWO J'S, Eric and Josh's friend who spells her name wrong on purpose
SURLY WAI...
Treatise on White Trash
In this column, I would like to use the phrase "white trash" a number of times. (That number: 12.) However, in these days of political correctness, one is hesitant to use any derogatory term that involves a race, for fear of being called discriminato...
Shushing: Impossible
"Mission: Impossible 2" is a good movie, but I issue this warning: Do not see it with a stupid person.
I saw the film on opening night at the Wynnsong in Provo. This theater was already on my bad list, due to a problem we'd had a few weeks earlie...
On Broadway
Here's what New York City is currently angry about: everything. This is evidenced by the fact that every single driver in Manhattan is honking his horn constantly, and has been doing so since the island was first purchased from the Indians (which I s...
Badvertising
I consider myself to be at least as smart as the next guy (even smarter, if the next guy paid money to see "Battlefield Earth"), but I don't understand advertising.
Specifically, there are some particular advertising and marketing strategies that...
Hyst-Eric-tomy
Since Sunday is Mother's Day, I thought I'd honor my mother by telling you about her recent hysterectomy.
I asked her permission to tell you this, of course, and she had no problem with it. ("Anything for a laugh" I believe were her exact words.)...
Yet Another Letter to the Editor
(Please note: This is not a real letter. This is satire. We're sorry we even have to explain that up front, but trust us, we do.)
To the Editor:
I read with horrific disgust the letters from people who feel the LDS Church has too strong a hol...
Commencement Exorcises
BYU held its graduation ceremonies last week. As you know, BYU ends its semesters earlier than most universities, in order to give its students a head-start on not finding jobs. BYU students have been known to not find jobs nearly twice as fast as Ha...
Dr. Backcracker
I had a mysterious pain in my shoulder a few months ago, one whose origin I could not determine. It certainly wasn't from doing any strenuous exercise, as the most active thing I generally do is sneezing, which seems entirely non-shoulder-related.
...
Not a Moment Too Swoon
What's it like to be singing and dancing in a show, and then to suddenly collapse in a heap onstage due to illness and exhaustion? Apparently, it's quite funny.
That's what happened to me last weekend while performing with the Garrens Comedy Trou...
