Snide Remarks
Letters Entertain You
Being a writer of both humor columns and theater reviews, I am afforded twice the opportunity to make people hate me. Here are some samples of the vitriol that fills my mailbox. Enjoy!
First we have a reaction to my review of Hale Center Theater's...
Resistance Is Futile
A lot of people complain about cell phones, how everyone has them nowadays, and how they're so obtrusive, and how it's rude for people to talk on the phone while they're having dinner in restaurants, and blah blah blah, whine whine whine. I've notice...
Little Gold Men
I think that if you're going to open a movie theater, one of the basic requirements should be that you have to have enough letters for the marquee to spell the names of the movies you're showing. I mean, how much can these things cost? You drive by a...
Top o’ the Whinin’
I have no problem with St. Patrick's Day. I like the color green, and I'm certainly in favor of there not being any snakes. My only complaint -- and I realize this may not be entirely the fault of the Irish people -- is that Lucky Charms is now a moc...
A Matter of Preference
BYU is having its "Preference" dances this weekend. (This year's theme: "Just Like Prom, But Without the Drinking.")
For Preference, traditional roles are reversed and it is the women who do the asking, and the men who say "yes" even though they ...
Reduced-Fat Eric
Many of you will be glad to know that if all goes according to plan, there will soon be less of me walking around.
Yes, I'm on a diet again. I did this two years ago, when I realized that if I was ever going to attract a mate, I was going to have...
The Walk
People who know me can tell you that I am nothing if not efficient, as evidenced by this conversation that I have frequently:
OTHER PERSON: Eric, you're nothing!
ME: No I'm not. I'm efficient.
OTHER PERSON: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
I'm interes...
NCMOrons
During my stay at BYU, which spanned most of the 1990s and ended only at the request of the university president, "NCMO" -- Non-Committal Make-Out -- was something done in the privacy of one's apartment or automobile, and it was generally with someon...
Why?oming
You are looking at a man who is not likely to ever hold public office in Wyoming. Why? Because Wyoming has no system of government, of course, preferring the "lynch first, ask questions later" method.
Ha! I kid. Wyoming does have a government, an...
A Century of Snide
It's a momentous occasion here at "Snide Remarks," as we celebrate the 100th anniversary of my very first column, published on Feb. 4, 1900.
I was just a young sprout then, barely getting my feet wet in the field of quasi-journalism, when a saint...
The Sundance Kidding
Narrowly beating out Payson's Onion Days celebration, the Sundance Film Festival is Utah's greatest cultural event. This is especially true if by "cultural" we mean "featuring a lot of movies about gay people."
I sort of covered the festival for ...
A Keane Sense of Humor
The other day, while embarking on my daily vigil to see if "Family Circus" had suddenly become funny, I happened to see the front page of the newspaper. It said the Supreme Court is going to decide whether it's legal for the Boy Scouts of America to ...
Das Boot
I speak without any exaggeration whatsoever when I say that the practice of "booting" cars that are illegally parked is absolutely the stupidest activity mankind has ever undertaken in all the history of the world, even stupider than the last Schwarz...
Wyoming2K
I rang in the new millennium in Evanston, Wyo. I figured if all technology was going to fail at the stroke of midnight, I should be in a place where there WAS no technology. (Many of the people there already think the year is 1900 anyway.)
Evanst...
The Best of the Millennium
So we've reached the end of another millennium. Seems like just yesterday we were eagerly preparing for the year 1000, taking our annual baths, gathering up live chickens to foully eat with our bare hands at the celebration, and marvelling at how we'...
A Y2K Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the land,
The Y2K fears were now quite out of hand.
The rifles were hung by the doorways, the shooters
Hoping to pick off some Y2K looters.
Fanatics were frantic, insisting they hunker
Deep in ...
The Christmas Christmas
Christmas is a sentimental time of year. In no way is this more evident than in the fact that Richard Paul Evans's "The Christmas Box" and its many dozen follow-up books sell millions of copies, despite having as much literary value as a stop sign.
...
The Shame Companies
I have an idea that will change the social order among single people and bring about more marriages, in addition to ridding Utah of its single biggest capitalist racket: diamond stores. Perhaps world peace will also be achieved, but that is not my pr...
Mis-Mashed Potatoes
The big controversy at Thanksgiving had to do with the mashed potatoes.
Despite being from Southern California, we're a pretty traditional, conservative family. We don't divorce each other very often, and there's very little in the way of feuding o...
Thanksgiving, Sort of
Since we're talking thankfulness (I assume that's what the other columnists are writing about this week; I only read Heloise, because I frequently find myself with leftover scraps of fabric for which I need clever hints on making useful), I'd like to...
Cross-Town Revelry
Of course the only reason life even continues to exist at this point is that Saturday is the BYU vs. University of Utah football game. Surely you are more excited about this than you have ever been about anything in your entire life.
This will de...
Oh, Deer
It's hunting season, which means a lot of dumb animals will be shot, usually by their fellow dumb animals, who were actually aiming at deer.
Hunting is a major part of Utah "culture," and it fascinates me. I'm from Southern California, where there...
Hit Me
I vehemently disagree with the notion that movie violence causes people to act violently in real life. In an unrelated matter, ever since seeing "Fight Club," I've been trying to get someone to punch me in the face.
This has been much harder than ...
Ad Nauseum
Tuesday is Election Day, which means the democratic process and its inherent beauty and drama are on the mind of every man, woman and child who works for a newspaper. The rest of the world, I think, doesn't care.
Anyway, in the spirit of governme...
Drive Me Crazy
In last week's column, I made the modest proposal that someone should run over just one BYU student with a car so as to teach the rest of them a lesson about darting out into traffic, which BYU students seem to enjoy as much as they enjoy looking for...
That Run-Down Feeling
I'm not suggesting that ALL BYU students should be run over with cars; just one of them.
But let me backtrack a little. I graduated from BYU in April, and received my diploma in the mail shortly thereafter. Along with the diploma came a copy of m...
Pickin’ Flicks
It's autumn now, which means the air will soon be filled with the crisp scent of fresh-baked holiday pies, and the streets littered with the carcasses of dead leaves, decomposing before our eyes.
Speaking of death, autumn is a good time to re-cap ...
He’s Dead, Gym
Every couple years, I get really tired of looking like I do, which is approximately slug-shaped and pasty, and I start working out and jogging and trying not to eat more than one quart of gravy a day. The results are always immediate: Within days, I ...
Y2K B.C.
(From the Babylon Daily Herald, Sept. 24, 2001 B.C.)
UR OF CHALDEES -- Panic spreadeth wide over this city as the hearts of men turn toward the time, which rapidly approacheth, when the year shall change from 2001 even unto 2000 -- or "Y2K B.C.,"...
Playing the Field
As part of my job here at The Daily Herald (motto: "The Other 'Church News'"), I go to a lot of plays and movies. This is a great thing to do for a living, of course, and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to see "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor...
MT-Headed
All of Provo was aflutter this week as MTV rolled into town to see if it could find someone shallow and stupid enough to be on its "Real World" program. (My guess: Yes. Yes it could.)
You remember MTV. It's the once-relevant basic cable channel t...
We All Scream
So it was my birthday last week (I got your card; thanks), and at first I didn't think anything was going to happen, festivity-wise. Once you get past the age of, I don't know, 5 or so, you should stop expecting people to make a big deal over your bi...
Off to a Ricky Start
When I think of the youth of America, and how they are destined to one day run this great nation of ours, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and foreboding, such as one might imagine the wicked to feel on Judgment Day.
For while many...
Education Weak
About 30,000 people got smarter this week. I'm referring, of course, to all the BYU students who fled campus to avoid the onslaught of Education Weekers, none of whom know where they're going and all of whom walk slow.
Education Week is a time fo...
The Big Apple: Bite Me
Ah, New York. The Big Apple. The City That Never Sleeps. Home of street-corner hot dog and crack vendors. I'd always wanted to experience the sights and sounds of New York City but never had the chance until recently, when I embarked on a trip courte...
Mrs. Angry
Today we're going to learn how to write letters that make people think you're crazy.
We take our text from a letter I got last week from a Salt Lake woman who was very, very angry with my review of "George Washington Slept Here" at the Hale Cente...
Vent-Fest ’99
To the theater-goers who talk during the shows: Can you do me a favor? Can you shut up? I do not advocate violence of any kind, but if these people were to be hit in the head with bricks, I would not be bothered by it. Also, I would pay for the brick...
Sports Illust-hated
I don't wish to cause a mass outbreak of shock-induced coronaries and seizures, but apparently The College Times has recently been guilty of poor journalism.
I hope you were sitting down when you read that. As editor in chief of BYU's Daily Unive...
Snide Farewells
This is the last edition of "Snide Remarks." Festivities will commence in the BYU administrative offices within the hour.
Believe it or not, some people have not found the column very funny. I don't deny them this right; in fact, many of the thin...
Class Struggle
In its ongoing attempt to provide an education that will be useful and practical in terms of day-to-day living, BYU has recently added several new courses to its catalog. Since "Snide Remarks" is, at its heart, a public service column -- it recently ...
Requiem for a Hyundai
Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that Pedro is dead.
Pedro was my 1987 Hyundai Excel whose passenger door only opened from the outside and whose hood was horribly disfigured as a result of an accident that occurred prior to my owning i...
Life’s Little Competitions
I am not a competitive person. I don't even like to play Solitaire on the computer, because I feel like the cards are mocking me when I lose. Also, the very name "Solitaire" implies that it is a pastime for lonely people. This is for people who can't...
Season’s Bleatings
Christmas is a time of giving, a time of sharing, and a time of fudge. But it is also a time of quandaries and dilemmas. Christmas this year with my family was no exception, as we had our fair share of difficult decisions to make. I would like to sha...
Slime and Punishment
I've been working on my sympathy lately. This is because I've occasionally been accused of being insensitive and heartless by certain people upon whom I will wreak horrible, deadly vengeance as soon as I get around to it.
There are a lot of peopl...
Another Letter to the Editor
EDITORS' NOTE: We sigh wearily at even having to do this, but let us point out that this column is a PARODY of letters to the editor. The ideas herein are expressed for satiric purposes, and NOT because the author necessarily feels that way.)
Dea...
BYUSA Essay
Sometimes -- if you're lucky, maybe once or twice in a lifetime -- an opportunity comes along that is so exciting, so rife with hope and potential, so full of magic and wonderment, that it makes your head swim with all the possibilities. The unmarrie...
Ruinmates
Several weeks ago, I wrote a column featuring a list of questions that should be asked of potential roommates in order to weed out the freaks and losers from the normal people ("normal" being defined as "like me"). I got this idea from a questionnair...
Notice Me!
We have some serious problems at BYU, and I'm not talking about the rats in Lee Bartlett's office. I'm talking about people who draw too much attention to themselves in public.
Of course you remember that I addressed this issue a few weeks ago. Y...
Mall in a Day’s Work
As you are no doubt aware, a new mall has just opened in the East Bay part of Provo. This is being heralded as the greatest thing to happen to Provo business since Hogi Yogi built its first 12 stores here.
Of course, we already had the University...
Put Your Voter to the Wheel
Perhaps we in the media neglected to mention it, but there was an election last week. Judging by the number of students who showed up to vote, I'm guessing there must have been a really good "Simpsons" episode on that day.
Voter apathy has been a...
Good Kill Hunting
It's hunting season, which means a lot of dumb animals will be shot, usually by their fellow dumb animals, who were actually aiming at deer.
From what I understand, deer hunting is a major part of Utah "culture," and it's fascinating to me. I'm f...
Humor Column: It’s Funny
People who know me can tell you that my brain never stops working, that I'm always thinking. For example, right now I'm thinking: "What did I do with that donut I had here a minute ago?"
But sometimes my thoughts are even deeper than that, such as ...
Space Invaders
Some people take up way too much space.
I realize this next statement is coming too late, because some of you have already gotten me wrong, but I'll say it anyway: Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about taking up too much space PHYSICALLY. Lar...
How to be a Gooder Speechist
I was sitting in church not long ago, pondering the words of the speaker, when suddenly an inspired thought struck me: I was in the wrong sacrament meeting!
I dashed out and found the right one, and then I sat down and REALLY got to thinkin'. It ...
Irreconcilable Differences
For many BYU students, the start of a new school year means getting new roommates. This is pretty much a random process, except in the dorms, where they purposely match up people they're sure will hate each other, like they do on MTV's "The Real Worl...
Oh My Heck, It’s Another Conference Diary
The reason there was no traffic this weekend is that it was general conference and everyone was inside watching it on TV, or at least pretending to watch it for the sake of their roommates.
But if you only watched it on TV, as opposed to being ri...
Springer? I Darn Near Killed ‘er!
I realize I am going against conventional wisdom in saying this, but I think "The Jerry Springer Show" is good for America.
In case you are not up on your "pop culture," either because you do not watch television or because you are from Canada, I w...
Good-4-Nothing
Although the purpose of this column is not to give free advertising to businesses (the purpose of this column is to offend people), I would like to shamelessly endorse a particular business that I enjoy: Food-4-Less.
You already think I'm being s...
Landlord of the Flies
This week, let's begin with a fascinating question. What would happen if you found the owner of a BYU-approved apartment complex, tied him up with baling wire, and forced him to explain why he charges so much more for rent than the apartments are act...
Degeneration X
While you were out this summer wasting your time sitting by a pool or selling pest control door-to-door, the folks at the Daily Entertainment Network were hard at work making our generation look like idiots (not that this is difficult).
I draw yo...
A Freshman’s Guide to BYU
We thought it would be helpful to give the incoming freshmen a practical guide to living at BYU, what with all the big decisions you are now facing, such as whether to eat dorm food all the time, or to try surviving on vending-machine items, which ar...
A Couple-Watcher’s Guide
It's springtime, and love is in the air, choking its victims with its vile stench and sucking the life out of every living thing it touches. So perhaps it is time to examine the various types of couples you're likely to encounter during this love-fil...
Two Snides to Every Story
Let's talk about objectivity in journalism, and other fantasies. As a seasoned veteran in the world of journalism, I'm able to notice subtle differences in the way different newspapers handle the same issues. For example, The Salt Lake Tribune carrie...
Immersed in Baptists
You may have heard that the Baptists are coming to Utah this summer, and they're holding a convention, and they want to save our souls, and yada yada yada. Some of you may be concerned about this, so I've prepared some helpful tips in talking to the ...
Daylight Raving Time
Obviously the biggest crisis facing us as Americans these days is the evil government conspiracy known as daylight-saving time. This is evidenced by the following letter, which I read in the Salt Lake Tribune on May 2, and which is representative of ...
Mechanical Failure
I have a 1987 Hyundai Excel named Pedro who is an absolute piece of garbage. He knows it, too, and he seems to have a mischievous, pixie-like attitude about the whole thing, randomly breaking down or blowing up just out of sheer adolescent immaturity...
Guns Don’t Kill People … Oh, Wait, Yes They Do
One "hot topic" that has been in the news lately is the subject of gun control, and, more specifically, whether or not guns should be controlled. This is because of the recent tragedy in Jonesboro, Ark., which I am not going to make jokes about, and ...
Michael McLame
One of the greatest things about America, besides Grandma Sycamore's bread, is the fact that in this country, anyone -- yes, ANYONE -- can make fun of famous people.
For example, I recently performed a song making fun of Michael McLean, and I did ...
Loud Squawking Feedback
It's the end of the semester, and it's been a difficult school year for all of us, so I thought a nice way to kick off the summer would be to share some of the volatile, hate-filled e-mail I've gotten in response to things I've written. Surely there ...
Yet Another Conference Diary
If you've never been to a session of general conference live in the Tabernacle on Temple Square, I highly recommend that you do so at some point in the next century, when I-15 is either finished, or when they realize they have no idea what they're do...
Boy Scouting: Be Repaired
Many students will be graduating next month. To them I say: Good luck finding a place to park at the graduation ceremony! When you get out your car will probably have been towed. Ha-ha, welcome to The World!
Although I'm not graduating this year, ...
Nobody’s American Except Me
We as Americans had better get our heads out of the sand and start paying attention, or else before you know it we'll have become slaves to a master race of government-engineered super-computers and talking monkeys.
You'll hopefully pardon my inc...
BYUPD Blue
I'm pretty sure I would make a lousy cop. Fortunately, the strict hiring policies embraced by most law enforcement agencies will prevent this theory from ever being tested.
I decided this when I recently went on what's called a "ride-along." This ...
Grandma II: Margrit’s Revenge
I recently had the misfortune of seeing my grandfather kiss his fiancee. Have you ever seen this? I doubt it, because you weren't at my house when it happened.
It had never occurred to me that I might ever be witness to such an act, until a few m...
Lighting the Way Campaign is Right on Tract
Like all major humanitarians, I spend a great deal of time thinking of ways to make life more productive, beneficial, and happy for all mankind. For example, I recently discovered that if you honk your horn frequently and at random, people will give ...
Socially Stupid
As one of the nation's foremost social psychologists, I would like to present a few of my major social theories. These theories were met with a great deal of enthusiasm when I presented them a few weeks ago at a conference held in the Smith Family Li...
True Love
Valentine's Day is a meaningless, silly holiday, even more so than Halloween, and it's certainly not worth devoting an entire issue of a newspaper to it, but you will notice that this has not stopped us.
The only thing that would help Valentine's...
Clash of the Titanic
Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some of you -- I am speaking to the women here -- have seen this movie se...
Shutteth Up!
The BYU Theater Department is currently performing William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet," and I think I speak for us all when I say, "Forsooth! what doth yon bequiddle?"
Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm going to make a bunc...
I’ve Been Weight Lifting for a Girl Like You
I've started working out. This is because I am out of shape. Well, that's not to say I don't HAVE a shape, which of course I do. I'm sort of amoeba-shaped, with odds and ends floating around in random directions. But it's not the sort of shape a pers...
Just the Fats, Ma’am
As of two weeks ago, I have sworn off all fat and have gone on a diet. In a related news item, Little Caesar's stock has dropped sharply every day for the last two weeks.
Believe me, you and the good folks at Little Caesar's are not as shocked ab...
Pedro’s Christmas Vacation
I drove home for Christmas. It's 640 miles from Provo to Lake Elsinore, Calif., and I was pretty sure that Pedro (my 1987 Hyundai Excel) could make the trip, despite the fact that he occasionally overheats just on the way to school, sometimes when I'...
Crock of Ages
BYU singles wards are better than regular wards out in the real world for the following two reasons:
1. No crying babies. (Plenty of babes who cry, but no crying babies.)
2. Gospel Doctrine classes actually teach doctrines of the gospel.
...
Police Beat — Beaten
(Editor's Note: The following article is a PARODY. None of the events described actually happened, at least not in the manner described. So put the phone down and relax.)
CRIMINAL NAUGHTINESS
A 21-year-old male student phoned University Police on...
A Very Random Christmas
It's Christmastime. How do I know? You can feel it in the air. People smile more, they're nicer, they're more polite, as they push and shove their way out of the Marriott Center after Devotionals and Firesides, like there's a poison gas leak or somet...
Parking: Stick It
If you have ever parked on campus for longer than 12 seconds, you have no doubt received a parking ticket. Parking tickets are distributed more widely than "Watchtower" magazine. If all the money raised by BYU parking tickets over the course of one d...
How to Do Stuff Better
One of the perks of being extremely lazy is that you occasionally come up with time- and energy-saving ideas that revolutionize the way Americans do things, and which result in you being hailed as a genius, all without even having to get up off the c...
In Movie Battle, Air Farce Won
Surely you are aware that International Cinema played host last week to one of the masterpieces of modern filmmaking, a movie so astounding in its beauty and magnificence that audiences and critics alike have embraced it to their bosoms and are givin...
Letter to the Editor
(Editor's Note: We regret that we even need to do this, but we would like to state up front that this column is SATIRE. Eric D. Snider doesn't really think most of the things he says here. We're not entirely sure what he does think, but it's not this...
The Naked Truth about Smith’s
With all the uproar over the Rodin exhibit at the Museum of Art, I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you that I am writing a column about ice cream. Specifically, about the Ben & Jerry's situation at Smith's.
Ben & Jerry's, as you know...
The Reason for the Season
Unless you are a stick-in-the-mud or a communist, you will no doubt be celebrating Halloween this Friday. Halloween is a marvelous holiday with a long, sentimental history, but I fear that with the over-commercialization and the hustle-and-bustle of ...
Bed-Ridden
I really need to get some sleep.
See, I quit sleeping several months ago, mainly because there's just so much hanging around I have to do. I have all these friends, and my friends are always wanting to go out and do stuff, and I can't say no to m...
The Homecoming Horror
In case you were wondering why The Daily Universe is so huge today, it's because there are 17 blank pages scattered throughout it on which you are supposed to write your own news.
Just kidding. Actually, it's because this was Homecoming Week, and t...
1800 Dumb Questions
In my ongoing quest to bother people on the telephone, I recently called several consumer hotlines. These are the 1-800 numbers on the labels of many products that you can call if you have questions or comments. I wondered if they would take me serio...
Another General Conference Diary
One of the perks of being a Daily Universe editor is that you get lots of free stuff. For example, last week I got a fake hand in the mail from someone promoting a haunted house. The letter said, "We didn't want you to hear about us second-hand." I s...
Fly Like a Weasel (a.k.a. “The Superheroes Column”)
I know we should try to be happy with ourselves and not try to be something we're not, but I spend most of my time wishing I were a superhero.
This is mostly because I covet the ability to fly, because if I could fly, I could avoid nearly every un...
Towing and Booting in Provo
I drive a 1987 Hyundai Excel named Pedro. It's not so much a car as it is a monster from the fiery pits of the underworld.
Pedro has many faults, but the one that gets the most complaints from passengers is that the passenger door only opens f...
A Visit to a Psychic Hotline
If you've watched TV for longer than ten seconds, you've no doubt seen commercials for psychic hotlines. These things are very expensive, but they get you by offering free minutes. You can call and get a little sample, and hopefully you'll be hooked ...
TV is Good
Can we stop the TV bashing already? Not since Jimmy Carter has a mostly good thing gotten so little respect.
Now, I whole-heartedly agree that watching television for hours upon hours is probably not a good idea, simply because it's such a passiv...
A General Conference Diary
(An account of a young journalist's experience at the Saturday morning session of General Conference.)
9:13 -- I find Door 4 of the Tabernacle (the press entrance), show my press credentials, three forms of ID and a major credit card, and am at las...
